Posted on 08/07/2020 9:50:09 AM PDT by Colonial35
Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. “Give me your money,” he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this - I’m a US Congressman!” “In that case,” replied the robber, “Give me MY money!”
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married,
or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time
you see a bottle of wine:
Tom was driving home from a business trip in Northern Arizona when he saw an
elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo
man if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the man got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Tom tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man.
The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw,
studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Tom.
‘What in bag?’ asked the old man.
Tom looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s bottle of wine. I got it for my wife.’
The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
‘Good trade.....’
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson
I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol,
so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don’t like guns,
how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.
You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness,
you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple
of bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda your wife
in bed with another man. Whata you gonna do then?
Point to you watch and say, “TIMES UP”?
Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks.
The other half will come out with a drinking problem.
I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune.
Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.
I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter -—— The Living Room or The Bedroom
Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit.
Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
Homeschooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher
fired for drinking on the job.
I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from
Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN.
You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal.
I have no clue how this place is still in business.
My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee
it cleans the toilet.
Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
I’m so excited -— it’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda.
I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.
Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer
for good clean fun.
Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said “I hope I don’t
have the same teacher next year”.... I’m offended.
Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under!!!!!!!!!!
Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down
and his fly area wide open.
His assistant walked up to him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house,
did you close your garage door?’
The boss told her he knew he’d closed the garage door, and walked into his office
puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant’s question about his ‘garage door’
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask,
‘When my garage door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?’
She smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tires..
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a
tree when one turns to the other and says:
‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains.
I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
Transcript of internal debate at the CDC:
Fauci: Hey, guess what? We did it! We finally forced them all to wear masks!
Redfield: You’re kidding?
Birx: No f**king way!
Adams: Even POTUS?
Fauci: Yes, even POTUS, he finally caved!
Birx: Cool! So Tony, what do we do now?
Fauci: First I think I’ll show up at a baseball game NOT wearing one, just so I can lord it over everybody how we are the ones who are really superior to them.
Redfield: That would be AWESOME! But once you’ve done that what are we ever going to do to top this?
Fauci: That’s easy....goggles! Face shields!
Adams: ooooooh....I like the way you think Tony!
Fauci: Twelve hours after I’m done giving my interview to
CNN the lawn and garden shelves at Home Depot are
gonna look like the toilet paper section at Target
in April.
Birx: If we can make them wear masks AND shields, why, we
can make them wear ANYTHING!
Fauci: Yes, indeed. Ankle bracelets, cowboy hats,
those silk disco shirts that went out of style in 1979, handcuffs lined with fur...
Adams: Ballgags? Please please PLEASE can we do ballgags?
Fauci: No, Jerome, no one would ever see them under the
masks.
Redfield: I know....let’s make them wear their underwear
on the OUTSIDE! I saw that one in a movie once.
It was hilarious!
Birx: I don’t know. Wearing my bra on the outside? The
Playtex Pretty Petite #304 clashes with most of my
scarves.
Fauci: All in favor.....
Thank you. Needed the chuckle. :)
A senior citizen
said to his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Yep!’
‘Do I know her?
‘Nope!’ ‘This woman, is she good looking?’ ‘Not really.’
‘Is she a good cook?’ ‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’ ‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’ ‘Because she can still drive!’
An Irishman’s first drink with his son
While reading an article last night about fathers and sons,
memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn’t like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny’s, he didn’t like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?
He didn’t. I drank it.
I thought maybe he’d like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson’s; nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland’s finest whisky.
He wouldn’t even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn’t like to drink,
I was so sh**-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home!!!
A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing?
The father said: “Why, my son, it is a ‘chechia.’
In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a ‘djbellah.’
As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing.
My djbellah protects the entire Body,
The son then asked: “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
“These are ‘babouches’ my son,” the father replied. You must understand that
although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot.
These babouches’ keep us from burning our feet.”
“So tell me then,” added the boy.
“Yes, my son…”
“Why are you living in Colorado
and still wearing all this s**t?
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ ‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis’
So happy to see the Friday silliness thread back! Please let it return to weekly enjoyment, now more than ever!
Senior Parachute Club
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn’t do something
useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn’t a good thing?”
I asked. Talking about my “doing something useful” seems to be her favorite topic
of conversation. She is “only thinking of me,” she said, and suggested,
I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.
So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her.
I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, “Are you nuts? You’re 86-years-old and now you’re going to start
jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
“Oh man, am I in trouble,” I said, “I signed up for five jumps a week!”
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn’t getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
A little girl leans into a lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the
collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her,
under the eyes of her screaming parents.
A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the
nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back
letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents,
who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says,
‘Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.’
The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed.
I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page.
So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?’
The biker replies “I’m a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I voted for Trump”.
The journalist leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings
news of his actions, and reads on the front page:
** U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH. **
And THAT pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days...
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.