So the minute eggs were nearly done cooking? :-)
How I learned to mind my own business...
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and the patients were all
shouting 13...13...13
The fence was too tall but I spotted a crack between two boards, so I put my eye
to the crack and looked.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick and they
started shouting 14...14...14...
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words.
Stop shaking the ladder you little bastard...
When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my uncle Vince.
Not screaming and crying like the passengers in his van.
Silence is golden. Unless you have a toddler...then silence is very suspicious.
It’s not a toe it’s a furniture location device.
You are never worthless...Organs go for a lot on the black market.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because you didn’t cook it.
Roses are red. Pizza sauce is too.
I ordered a large. And none of it’s for you.
Do you know what happens after 14 tequila shots? That’s OK nobody else does either...
If you’re deaf, every fart is a gamble.
Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’.
He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked.
‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
When I was 10 I realized how dumb everything I said as a child was.
When I was 20 I realized how dumb everything I said in my teens was.
Now I’m beginning to realize why old people don’t talk much.
The Iranian ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked
out into the lobby where he met the United States ambassador, John Bolton.
They exchanged pleasantries and as they walked the Iranian said, “You know I have
just one question about what I have seen in America.”
Ambassador Bolton said, “Well anything I can do to help you, I will.”
The Iranian whispered, “My son watches this show ‘Star Trek’ and in it there is
Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese,
but no Iranians. My son is very upset and doesn’t understand why there aren’t any
Arabs or Muslims on Star Trek.”
Bolton laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and whispered back,
“It’s because it takes place in the future.”