Dave Barry -- Marlins unite us...unless they lose

The Miami Herald ^ | 10/11/2003 | Dave Barry

[Luis Gonzalez]

I'm a huge Marlins fan. I've been following this plucky team ever since they beat the San Francisco Giants, which was, what, nearly a week ago. I live and die by this team! When they win, I drink champagne and dance all night. This is also what I do when they lose, because there is no point in wasting champagne. But I dance in a more subdued manner.

The last time I was a huge Marlins fan was October 18 through 26, 1997, which happens to be exactly when the Marlins won the World Series against the Cleveland Native Americans. I'm not taking all the credit for that victory: Many Marlins players were also involved.

But I was in the stands for game seven, and when the score was tied in the bottom of the 11th inning, with two out and the potential game-winning Marlin run on third base, I decided that if I buttoned a certain button on my shirt, it might cause the Marlins to get a base hit. A bold tactical gamble? Yes. But it paid off, and the Marlins won, and South Florida erupted in a joyous celebration that lasted until 2:30 the following afternoon, at which time owner Wayne ''The Antichrist'' Huizenga sold all the good players.

But that is the distant past. Today South Florida is, once again, totally and permanently united, for the time being, behind this spunky young Marlins team and its plucky players, including one named ''Pudge'' and another one named ``Spooneybarger.''

CUBS DON'T WIN

You'd think everyone would be rooting for this spunky team, but you'd be wrong. Everyone else in the entire world (including, in a formal statement released today, the Pope) is rooting for the Chicago Cubs. Why? Because, historically, the Cubs stink. They have not won anything for centuries. They are the only team in the National League that fought for the South in the Civil War.

So now everybody is making a big deal about the Cubs, and their fans who've been loyally supporting them through decade after decade of losing -- as if we should APPLAUD them because they wasted generations of perfectly good fan energy rooting for a team that traditionally had as much chance of winning the World Series as the von Trapp Family Singers, with Julie Andrews pitching.

HITTING THE WALL

Does this make any sense? Let's say you're at a restaurant, and you see a man stagger away from the bar and walk directly into the wall, mistaking it for a door, banging his face and falling down, only to pick himself up and walk into the wall again, and then again, over and over. Would you say to yourself: ``I admire that man! He is loyal to the tactic of walking into the wall, in the hope that it eventually will turn into a door!'

No! You'd say: ``He must be a Cubs fan.''

Ha ha! I'm kidding, of course: A true Cubs fan would never leave the bar. But my point is that we South Florida fans deserve some credit for displaying discretion. Yes, we're loyal to our local teams. But if, after a reasonable period of loyalty -- generally, two days -- we perceive that a given local team is unlikely to win a national or world championship, we drop that team like a used napkin and move on to another team, or another sport, or a mall.

IVY-LESS STADIUM

But for now, we're committed to our Marlins, and we'll be out rooting for them this weekend in Formerly Joe Robbie Stadium. Oh, sure, it's not historic Wrigley Field, with the ivy growing on the walls.

This is actually a sign of poor maintenance, but it causes baseball writers -- who spend their entire lives in dingy press boxes where the only green organic thing they ever see is relish -- to spurt little prose orgasms. Wow! Wall vegetation!

Listen, baseball writers: If you like wildlife, South Florida has WAY more wildlife than Chicago! It would not surprise anybody down here if, during a game, a third-base coach was eaten by an alligator.

But it's no use arguing South Florida's merits: Nobody wants us to win, except us.

So let's do our part; let's all go out to Formerly Stadium and root, root, root for our Marlins. Go ''Pudge!'' Go ''Spooneybarger!'' Go ``whoever the other Marlins players are!'

If they don't win, it's the mall.

[Luis Gonzalez]

[el_texicano]

What a riot, Dave Barry strikes again...

[Always Right]

Actually a pretty humorous peice, done with some taste. It is always good when someone is able to laugh at themselves as much as they laugh at the other guy.

[CounterCounterCulture]

Network executives cried all night that the Cubs did not win. They wanted Cubs-Sox (they'd settle for Cubs-Yanks too).

On the upside, Pudge could take over governorship of Florida when Jeb steps aside.

[David1]

Hilarious, I love Dave Barry. What a nice piece by Dave.

[Paladin2b]

I'm STILL upset about the Cubs losing, but why did it have to be to the Fish? This is a black eye for baseball....the pennant goes to a rootless team with the most pathetic fan support, who didn't even win their division!

It's time to admit that the whole Sunshine State expansion by MLB was a big mistake. Sure, I know all the arguments they made: "It will gain tens of millions of new fans in Latin America! Florida is the third largest state now! These cities (Tampa/St. Pete and Miami) have arrived in the big leagues, now they need big league franchises!"

Baseballs. It's been a disaster. The Marlins couldn't get better than an average crowd of 16,000 this year, the Rays stink on ice and always will, and the international future of the game is in Esat Asia, not south of the border. Pull the plug already and move these teams to communities that want them and would love them!

[Paradox]

Barry NAILS the typical south Florida fan! Thats the only shame to this whole thing, HOWEVER...

In defense of the fans, one reason fan enthusiasm was so pathetic the past few years was because of the whacky ownership. Most of us thought for sure that the current owner was only here biding his time, in order to sell/move the team next year, and that he wouldn't give a rats a$$ about making a winning team. We were wrong.

[David1]

You can't really underestimate the damage Wayne did to the fan base down here in South Florida: http://www.baseball-almanac.com/teams/marlins3.shtml Btw, I believe the Marlins will not be going anywhere anytime soon. I believe a ballpark for them will eventually be built down here.

[David1]

Exactly! Let me repost something I already posted in another thread:

After what Wayne did to this team and the constant threat to move or contract this team, what did you expect??? You just could not feel that this would be your team much longer. You can't blame the fan too much. I certainly was extremely hurt by what stinkin Wayne did in 97. Additionally, with the continued talk that they would move or be contracted, I just could not feel like this was my team. I tried but I just couldn't. I became very afraid to fall in love back with the Marlins to only have them taken away from me by contraction or moving to nothern virginia. And I am sure I am not the only fan that felt that way. I feel now that this team is here to stay and it ain't going anywhere in a while. I also believe a new ballpark will eventually be built.

[Warren]

WOW! Sour grapes, decently expressed, but still sour grapes.
Hey, at least your home team is not the
B A R F - San Diego Padres, my home team,
ARRRRGGGGHHHHH!

[Luis Gonzalez]

The Marlins vs. The Yankees.

The snowbirds against the fish.

Do not misunderstimate the impact of a Turnpike Series.

There are people in Miami leaving for work right now that don't have to be there until next Tuesday, but hate to sit in traffic.

There are more Yankee fans in South Florida than in New York...hell, there are more New Yorkers in South Florida than there are in New York.

Phft!

[Luis Gonzalez]

Go Fish!!!!

[mewzilla]

I also believe a new ballpark will eventually be built.

A new ballpark?! Their fans could meet in a phone booth!

[jpl]

I believe a ballpark for them will eventually be built down here.

I wouldn't get my hopes up for that if I were you. It's far more likely that the Marlins are going to be contracted out of existence (along with the Expos) in a couple of years, regardless of whether they win the Series this year or not.

[lawnguy]

On the upside, Pudge could take over governorship of Florida when Jeb steps aside

I'm a Royals fan, but I was one of the few people outside Florida not rooting for the Cubs apparently. All because of Pudge. I like him so much, and it is so cool to watch a catcher control a game defensively like he does, I just couldn't help but root for his team.

[Republican Red]

Pudge could take over governorship of Florida when Jeb steps aside

I saw a baseball pregame a few months back about Pudge. Seems like a one of the good guys. A real family man.

However, he's erected a statue of himself to himself in his back yard. Who has statues made of themselves these days. Oh sure, a dictator here and there, but a Florida Marlin catcher?

Maybe he's preparing for a coup in Florida during the winter break.

[David1]

That's the reason I believe it will eventually be built. I mean, how much could a phone booth really cost? I can see it now: Phone Booth Field. That is why I am really optimistic. No, seriously, I believe it will really happen. The baseball fan in South Florida has really been screwed by the owners.

[Dog]

Hey Luis this is the headline in one of the Philly papers..

[David1]

No, I think there really is a future for baseball here in South Florida. I really do believe a ballpark will get done. The talks have already started to heat up and I expect something by Dec 1. But, alas, i could turn out to be wrong, AGAIN!!!

[george wythe]

Wood did his best, but Billy Goat still rules.