Posted on 11/02/2003 2:38:06 PM PST by PJ-Comix
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INT. LES MOONVES' LUXURIOUS PENTHOUSE SUITE—NIGHT
The front door opens. Les Moonves and his bimbo girlfriend, Julie Chen, enter. MOONVES (screaming): I hate that lousy manipulative control freak, Nancy! What a bitch! CHEN: Well, at least you'll be getting your revenge on her in the upcoming CBS movie, "The Reagans." MOONVES: No, you idiot! I don't mean Nancy Reagan. I'm talking about my wife who filed for divorce---Nancy Moonves. CHEN: Good! That means you will be able to go out with me without cheating. MOONVES: Good for you but bad for me. My wife hired one of the top divorce lawyers, Dennis Wasser, to go after my bank accounts and financial holdings. By the time he is done draining my wealth, instead of being worth hundreds of millions, I'll only be worth tens of millions. CHEN: Wow! That sounds bad! MOONVES: Things are worse than you think. On top of my wife almost sending me into poverty, the vicious right-wingers could cause me to lose my job as CBS chairman because they don't like "The Reagans" TV movie. CHEN: What don't they like about the movie? MOONVES: They are so narrow-minded as to insist that the dialogue be backed up by reliable sources to ensure that the Reagans really said what we say they said. Facts are such stupid things! CHEN: Is it too late to make changes in the movie? MOONVES: Pretty much. All we can do is cut scenes out and since little of the dialogue is based on any real sources, that means the two-part TV movie won't be long enough for just one part. Come to think of it, it probably won't even last a half hour if we are forced to depend on facts. This could cost me my job. CHEN: And it could also cost you the loss of a hot-looking, overly bubbly, Early Show anchorperson who only puts out for you as a way to advance her career. Hee! Hee! MOONVES (crying): It's Armageddon . . . that's what it is. Armageddon. The Leader from CBS will be revealed as the anti-Christ, and then God will strike him down. That's me. I am the anti-Christ. CHEN: Hmmm . . . There might be something to that. After all, your wife once appeared in a movie called "Seduced By Evil." She must have been thinking about you. And . . . MOONVES (interrupting): And the Lord will strike down all of television in order to make way for a new order . . . the Internet. CHEN: Leslie, forget Armageddon for a moment. I'm getting sick and tired of living in sin. We should get married. MOONVES: They that live in sin shall die in sin. And I'm sure not about to get married again and have you drain my funds like my current wife is trying to do. Living in sin is just a lot cheaper in the long run. Moonves starts sobbing even more loudly and Julie reaches out, grabs his hand, strongly. CHEN: Hold on. You've got to hold on, Leslie. Moonves' eyes are filling with tears. He can't help it. He's crumbling. MOONVES: I couldn't save CBS from a ratings disaster. Julie puts her arms around him. She rocks him slowly, silently, back and forth. MOONVES (continuing): MOMMY! Am I really so horrible? CHEN: Well, even Howard Stern called you a snake in the grass. MOONVES (angrily): Rank amateur! Who does that sonofabitch think he is? I'm the goddamn chairman of CBS! I am his boss! CHEN: Maybe you'll feel better after I fix you up a nice tofu burger. MOONVES: Be sure to put ketchup on it. CHEN: I thought you're a strict vegetarian. MOONVES (angrily): Ketchup is a vegetable! It is not meat, right? So IT IS a vegetable! CHEN: Forget tofu burgers. I know what you need . . . the Green Room! MOONVES (frightened): No! I won't go there! I want to stay here and play! Julie grits her teeth and takes Leslie by the wrist. MOONVES: No! No! No! No! NO! NO! Julie reaches out and slaps Leslie. Leslie reels, holding his cheek. Julie freezes. FADE TO INT. ANOTHER ROOM IN THE PENTHOUSE SUITE—NIGHT Chen and Moonves are in a darkened room covered by green leather-lined walls and plush green carpeting. Moonves is kneeling on the floor wearing only a diaper. Chen, wearing a tight black leather S&M outfit, is standing over him. She is beating Moonves with a wire hanger. CHEN: NO WIRE HANGERS, EVER! MOONVES: I'm sorry, Mommy! CHEN: I've heard that you've named other people as your Mommy! Have you been naming names? MOONVES (pleading voice): I never called anybody my Mommy who wasn't my Mommy! Julie sniffs the air and a disgusted look appears on her face. CHEN: Did you make a messy-poo in your diaper again? MOONVES: No, Mommy! CHEN: You made messy-poo and now bad Leslie MUST be punished! MOONVES (cringing): Please don't hurt me, Mommy! Julie rips off Moonves' diaper and tosses it on the floor. CHEN: Oh, look at that! Bad Leslie has a smaller acorn than Howard Stern! Julie shoves Moonves' face into the soiled diaper on the floor. MOONVES (muffled): Mmmmmmmph! CHEN: Your Mommy is getting tired of waking up early to anchor the Early Show. She wants to anchor the Evening News so she can sleep late. Julie pulls Moonves' head off the diaper. MOONVES: COURAGE! Julie shoves Moonves' face back into the diaper. CHEN: Not quite the answer I want to hear. Remember, Dan is growing older and nuttier every day. Julie yanks Moonves' head from the diaper again. MOONVES: WHAT'S THE FREQUENCY, JULIE?!!! JULIE: Three times a week with all holidays off and four months of yearly vacation time. Oh, and as anchor of the CBS Evening News, I want my salary tripled. MOONVES: There you go again! |
No, but I did read that when Nancy Moonves (soon to be very rich ex-wife) met the Pope on that occasion, she said something like "Hi Pope!"
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