Posted on 01/25/2004 12:27:43 PM PST by Sweet_Sunflower29
Milwaukeean struggles with the feeling that he's an outsider both on campus and back home
It's a frigid Saturday morning in November, but the Purdue University students do not seem to feel the cold. They spill in and out of main street pubs, dressed in an assortment of flesh-exposing costumes, revving themselves up for the afternoon's football game against Iowa. They are safe and self-assured. This moment is all that matters.
Corey Benson, a Purdue freshman, left behind the urban neighborhoods of Milwaukee's north side for the sheltered structure of this campus, an engineer's dream. He doubts that he would have chosen Purdue if he had visited first. The physical isolation of the campus and the carefree oblivion of many of the students rankle him.
Benson grew up in some of Milwaukee's tougher neighborhoods. He spent time in foster care, was reunited with his family, faced eviction, graduated first in his class at Washington High School, and won a scholarship to Purdue. At Washington, more than 90% of the students are black. At Purdue, about 4% are.
He has friends both in Milwaukee and at Purdue, and his girlfriend shares his commitment to education. Yet, in both places, he views himself as an outsider.
"It's hard to share your experiences with someone who hasn't been through it and isn't conscious of it," he said. "I see myself restraining my voice as I'm here longer, which isn't something I like to do."
Many college freshmen feel displaced as they adjust to a new environment. But for those who have defied the odds at struggling, inner-city high schools, pursuing an academic path can be isolating.
Benson sometimes doubts he will find a niche at Purdue. He feels much more comfortable at his old high school and in Milwaukee, he said. But he does not want to live surrounded by family in the neighborhoods of his youth any time soon. He dislikes what he describes as an acceptance of failure.
At 19, Benson spends his time navigating his way in and out of two different worlds, struggling to find a place where he can be ambitious yet comfortable.
"In high school, my identity was two people," he said. "At home I had to be ghetto Corey and break down big words for my family. And at school I would be the successful Corey everyone knew. But I felt I shouldn't have to pretend to be two people."
Lifelong Milwaukeean Until Benson left for Purdue last summer, he had lived in Milwaukee his entire life. His father was never part of his life, and Benson is not certain whether he is dead or alive. His mother, Shirley Bynum, said she did her best, but sometimes struggled to keep her six children together. As a toddler, Corey spent time in foster care. His family bounced around so much during his early years that he attended three different elementary schools.
"I was all over the place," he said.
Benson has good memories of Sholes Middle School, which he said was "one of the best middle schools at the time." But he also remembers a security guard brazenly selling drugs, and wonders if that was one of the reasons for the school's decline. Last spring, district officials said they planned to close Sholes because of entrenched problems.
"It's gone downhill for a number of reasons," he said.
He's proud of attending Washington. In high school, Benson was mature from the start, say teachers and family members.
"He was always by himself with his books," his mother said. "Corey has always been serious. He was the one saying, 'I'm going to be something.' "
He did well in every subject but excelled in particular at math and science. He played football and ran track, resisting the lure of easy money on the streets.
"In some ways, I was encouraged more by the drug dealers than my peers at school, who I had to compete with," Benson said.
"What some of the drug dealers would tell me is: 'Don't do this. There's always an end to this game.' "
Benson's teachers at Washington describe him as unusually focused and competitive.
"He just wasn't your average kid who we have here at Washington," said Mary Weber, a math teacher. "He was willing to face ridicule from the other students sometimes. He didn't seem to succumb to the peer pressure of, you know, 'Let's chill.' "
Benson refuses to talk in detail about his family. And he won't readily name role models from his high school years. He felt disconnected from a family of sisters who, by his account, did not value education. He was so competitive that he did not always relate well to people his own age.
One exception was Kim Green. At 16, she's more than two years younger than Benson, but her maturity surprised him. The two started dating last year. He's comfortable acting studious or goofy around her, depending on his mood.
"He sees opportunities that others don't see, and that's what I love about him," Kim said. "He's a black man who sees education as his way out."
Benson said, "It was the first time I fell in love with someone quickly, and I'm actually learning something from her."
Still, he added, dating Kim can be scary. With few successful relationships in his immediate family, he finds it hard to be lighthearted about this one. He knows how much he could hurt Kim because he's seen it happen to other women.
Shortly after he began to date Kim - and just as the awards, accolades and publicity began to pile up last spring - Benson had to cope with his family's eviction from their home. He moved in with an aunt and uncle, and started thinking about his looming departure from Washington High and Milwaukee.
On graduation day, he became the first person in his immediate family to graduate from high school, and the first black male valedictorian at Washington. He moved to Indiana just a few days later.
"I've always had to be this serious person 95 percent of the time, and I honestly believe that's my purpose," he said. "I think I pushed myself harder than anyone ever pushed me."
At Purdue, Benson is struggling to find his niche.
He did not want to go to a Wisconsin college, and he chose Purdue because of its strong reputation for both academics and athletics.
On campus and in class, Benson is conscious of being "the chocolate in the cream," he said, meaning that he stands out. Most of his friends at college are black. He doesn't usually feel comfortable sharing his ideas with white people.
"People notice me, but will I have a say in the end?" he said.
In his health class, two of the 16 students are black. At the start of one class session, when students share news articles they've read on health issues, Benson looks bored. This week's article describes the rising numbers of people suffering from hunger in the country.
He becomes more engaged when the students go over the answers to a quiz and talk about their own diets.
"That's how the class typically goes," he said later. "Slow at first, then it picks up, then it slows down again."
He's reluctant to bring up his own experiences in class or with other Purdue students. "I don't really like to talk about where I'm from," he said. "I like to keep things low key about my past."
So far, Benson is doing nearly as well as he did in high school, although the straight A's do not come quite as easily. He earned one of his first B's at a summer program Purdue held for minority students studying business. His grade point average for the summer classes was 3.4.
"He cried, saying, 'I've never gotten a 3.4 in my life,' " his aunt, Candice Bynum, remembered. She said the B came in psychology. "Corey is more fact-oriented," she added. "He was not impressed by someone's feelings. He is a 2-plus-2-equals-4 kind of man."
He plans to study accounting and to eventually conduct audits of government organizations.
Benson also earned a 3.4 for his first semester last fall - and found the B in math particularly galling. He plans to appeal at least one of the Bs.
While hanging out with his friends, eating dinner, or talking to visitors, he slips in and out of funny and serious moods.
His conversations one day cover weightlifting, drag racing, the comparative size of dorm rooms, the surprising prevalence of men on the Purdue campus who wear sandals, and which high schools are more "ghetto" than others.
One evening, he eats in the dining hall with his roommate, Jonathan Clinton, and a few others.
Benson insists he could beat up Clinton because he can bench press more weight. Clinton insists he could beat up Benson because he is taller.
Benson grabs a roll off the table, crumples it in his hand and declares that it is "J's body," referring to his roommate.
A moment later, he asks Clinton: "How does it feel to be living with a star?"
"It feels really good to be living with myself, man," Clinton replies.
He is most relaxed talking on the phone with his girlfriend or joking around with friends. He does not smoke or drink, and he says he stopped fooling around with other women when he started dating Kim. At moments, Benson can be preachy, telling a reporter to stop drinking coffee and "try tea or something."
He complains that Purdue students sleep around too much without thinking about the risks of sexually transmitted diseases. They just don't know when danger is coming, in his opinion.
Maybe that's because they've never seen it before.
Benson wishes more poor black people could see beyond the lives they are living and strive for something better. But he also wishes the government would change some of its welfare and social policies to offer them more support.
He scoffs at the richer kids at Purdue, the ones who drive around in BMWs. But he also tries to distance himself from the people he knows back home "who buy into the drugs, who buy into the fast life."
"I'm just the same person as all of them," he said. "The only difference is that I don't want all that. I can't say it's because I'm knowledgeable or conscious. I really can't say what it is."
Benson knows he wants his own kids to be able to identify the source of their inspiration and strength.
"When I have kids, it is definitely not going to be like this," he said. "I'm going to have an influence on them."
For now, he's still searching out places at Purdue where he feels comfortable and challenged at the same time. He hopes to walk on to Purdue's varsity football team or join a fraternity.
He's also trying to relax more.
"Sometimes I tell him to lighten up," said Kim, his girlfriend. "He can be too serious. But he's able to laugh more than he used to, and have more fun. All work and no play, that's no kind of life."
His mother wants him to remember his roots.
"I've always told him not to forget where he came from," she said. "A young black man is supposed to know where he comes from. I tell him that he didn't get here by himself. I gave birth to him. I tell him, 'Sometimes you can get bigheaded, but you have to stay humble.' "
Benson has heard this before. And for someone who has often stayed more focused on where he is going than where he is from, it can be tough advice to take.
"Many people may think I'm trying to run from my life," he said. "But you can't run from your life. I just don't expect to return and be surrounded by family."
"I've always told him not to forget where he came from," she said. "A young black man is supposed to know where he comes from. I tell him that he didn't get here by himself. I gave birth to him. I tell him, 'Sometimes you can get bigheaded, but you have to stay humble.'"
It sounds like giving birth to him is about all she ever did for him, and she thinks that's more than enough. All his hard work counts for squat. He will always owe her for her generosity. Puhleeze! Any decent Mom would be praising him for all he's accomplished, instead of trying to keep him down. My own son has made a better life for himself than my husband and I could give him. We couldn't be more pleased! How can any parent resent their child's success?
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