Print It and They Will Come

I understand that the two hottest books in America are those I-Was-There exposes, one from Dick Clarke who certainly has changed from his days on ''American Bandstand'' to his transformation into an anti-terrorism/anti-Bush expert. The other bestseller comes from a guy who alleges that he had an affair with the late Carolyn Bessette, even while she was still married to the late JFK, Jr. [Michael Bergin's ''The Other Man.''] Something's missing in this picture, namely, this humble correspondent.

Seems that today anybody can say anything about anybody and get big book contracts, especially since the people they're writing about are unavailable to respond, being either dead or reclusive. I have my own memories of high politics and of countless affairs, and where memory ends, imagination conveniently begins. What I'm saying is that I could use my own 15 minutes and the money that comes from dishing (true or false) dirt.

For some reason I keep thinking of that terrific Al Pacino line in the second Godfather when that politician tries to shake him down. Goes something like this:

So, attention (and money) must be paid, for I also had an affair with Carolyn Bessette. I can do a whole book on this, or, how about all of them for the price of one, for I likewise had a torrid affair with Princess Di, never mind that British guy who got to the bookstands first with his fancy tell-all. Princess Di told me she loved me more than the entire British Empire. I'll never forget those words: ''Oh, Jack, who needs the crown when I have you?''

I should have recorded or filmed those words. I didn't. My mistake. So you'll just have to trust me, as you trust all those others who write books about people who can't or won't talk back. I want in on this action. As we say nowadays, fiction versus fact--who knows, who cares? Or, print it and they will come.

(Let's not forget that David Hannum quote that's been attributed to P.T. Barnum.)

Can any of it be true? We sure believe Dick Clarke, with all his Yin and Yang. His book is Number One. Well, I was also in on those meetings with the president and Chaney and Condi. Let me tell you, this Clarke has it all backwards. I never even saw him in the White House so what's he talking about? He should go back to what he does best, rock and roll and New Year's Eve. Condi, by the way, is a big fan of Beethoven and Howard Stern.

Before I forget, Fergie and I had our moments, plenty. She liked to say: ''Precious, shall we give it another go?'' Nicole Kidman? Guess who caused that split with Tom Cruise?

On the literary front, can I tell you stories? First the money, of course. Then I'll tell-all. Like me and J. D. Salinger. Is this worth a book, or what! We're old buddies. I call him Jerry. He calls me Jack. That should be proof enough. He phones me all the time, and this does get on my nerves. Anyway, he says that I'm the greatest writer of all time and he keeps pestering me to help him improve his own writing. Don't believe me? Call him.

But back to sex, as that's where the money is. I don't want you to think that the book I have in mind (million dollar contract, right?) is only about women who are no longer with us. (Though that is much safer, cause who can dispute, know what I mean?) What about me and Ann Coulter and the party we had with Madeleine Albright? I have no notes on this, either, but I'll be glad to give it all from memory or inspiration.

There certainly ought to be a market for ''My Days and Nights'' with Jackie O. Go ahead, prove otherwise!

I've got a million stories about Me and Paula Zahn and Linda Vester and Liz Smith. We're all journalists, after all, or, again from the Godfather, ''After all, we are not communists.'' I was also part of the Rat Pack, in case you forgot. I go way back with Frank and Dean and Sammy. And stories? You want stories? I'll give you a whole book about the night Ava and Angie…oh this'll have to wait till the check clears.

As Jerry (J. D. Salinger to you) keeps saying, ''Jack, you sure do pick 'em.'' Or was that Thomas Pynchon? Either one. You can call him, too, Pynchon, I mean. We're pals.

Of course, Howard (Howie to me) Hughes and I used to be great pals. I'll never forget when he said: ''Jack, I'd like you to join me in the aircraft business.'' I said no, where's the money in that? Another mistake, but there's a book in this, believe me. Orson Welles, dear Orson, always bugging me with, ''Jack, you've got to help me with this script, please!''

I'll never forget the day Hemingway said, ''Jack, what should I write next? I'm thinking about an old man and a mountain.'' I said, ''Ernie, how about an old man and the sea?''

You want the (up close and personal) scoop on Halle Berry and Jennifer Lopez? You've come to the right place.

I'll never forget the night Halle whispered, ''Oh, Jack, who needs what's-his-name when there's you?'' Or maybe that was J.Lo.

I should have taken notes, I know, and pictures. You'll just have to trust me. Hey, I'm as honest as the next guy.

Jack Engelhard is the author of the bestseller ''Indecent Proposal'' and the award-winning memoir ''Escape From Mount Moriah.'' His novel ''The Days of the Bitter End'' is being prepared for movie production. His journalism is published and posted worldwide and appears regularly in AFSI's Outpost, www.chronwatch.com, and weekly at: www.israelnationalnews.com. He receives e-mail at viewopinion@aol.com

Excellent!! Loved it. now if he would have just lambasted Richard Clarke even more than all the 'tell all' sex authors, but the parallel is perfect.

I mentally compare Richard Clarke, and probably O'Neil as well, to the 'shock jock' approach to journalism. You have to have a spicy topic with something lurid, sinister or revealing so if you don't have anything make it up, and when the phones ring off the wall you will know you hit your mark. Phil Henrie, using his own fictional interviewee's uses this well (and admits to making it all up) on the radio. It's amazing how many people always think his shtick is true, and in that their calling in makes a laughable show.

Problem with the Richard Clark's of the world though, is that they will never admit that they are lying since that would get in the way of their 'shock jock' path to quick 'cashing in'. Ain't no money in honesty ... it just doesn't sell books.

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