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Since the President has far better things to do than bother with pathetic turd-burglars like Morford, I will take the liberty of answering for him:

1) At no point. And thank you for putting such nasty images in my head.

2) Neither. I am merely a man (as if you could say the same). And no, you didn't even come close to answering your own question.

3) Have you stopped beating your boyfriend yet? Sheesh. To answer your question, I sleep just fine, thanks to those "Rough men". (Though I rather suspect "rough men" has a far different connotation to you, and it has nothing to do with sound sleep.)

4) I don't know what you were watching, but the only "radiant women" I saw at that march weren't participating, and what I did see participating would never be decribed as radiant. My family's medical business is a private matter.

5) You know, as someone for whom the word "Castro" has nothing to do with obsolete caribbean dictators, you probably shouldn't be trying to quiz me on world or political geography.

6) When you can even plausibly demonstrate that human activity has contributed one single calorie to any global temperature rise, let me know. Until then, I suggest you get caught up on the latest in climatic theory (no, not climactic. Ugh). That whole "hockey stick" graph thing? Turns out the researcher fudged the data (someone you know?).

7) I dunno what "god" you deal with, but my God is an awesome God, and I will answer to HIM when the time comes. In the meantime, I very much doubt you have any inside line on any divine opinion of me. By the phrasing of that question, I rather suspect you fall into the latter of those groups you listed. You know that, with the possible exception of the Buddhists, all those groups you listed have a strong dislike for pagans, and consider them heretics? I note you deliberately didn't list Islam in that list of peaceful religions. I wonder why that might be?

8) The economy is just as bad as it was when you re-elected Mr. Clinton, and you didn't have any problems with his failures (any boy, if you only knew...). As for the UN, since when have they ever been relevant?

9) If that's what you call modern culture, it's no wonder you have missed the boat so badly on all the other questions. My answer to your list? Who cares? I have more important things to deal with.

10) And if that's where I am, where does that put you, column boy?

11) Whatever I put there, I doubt very much He will look more kindly on your pile of...no, I won't say that. It's too foul.

Nice answers. Let me try some.

(2) You are very comofortable with the fact that you've killed several hundred of our nation's soldiers, wounded thousands more, and killed tens of thousands of innocent Iraqis and Afghans. Do you laugh to mock the victims of your oil wars? Are you God? No, you're a lunatic warlord controlled by puppeteers!

PRESIDENT: Sir...sir--I don't know where to start. Okay, first things first. I am not God; I'm just an ordinary human being trying to do God's work to the best of my ability. Although I try to serve God, I'm just a human; I have free will, and I am not infallible. Nor am I a lunatic. You seemingly have forgotten that America suffered a brutal terrorist attack on 11 September 2001.

You have forgotten how you felt that awful day, to see your country under attack, and three thousand of our dearest fellow Americans ruthlessly killed. You have forgotten when those towers fell, and our compatriots' living hell. How dare you say that we should not worry about Usama bin Laden, al-Qaida, weapons of mass destruction, or any of the other threats that this country faces. After that horrific attack, we will not tire, we will not falter, and we will not fail in our quest to stop terrorism and eliminate the terrorists from this planet. We must Do you understand? Obviously not!

I went to Ground Zero in New York in the days following that horrendous tragedy. Let me assure you of one thing: never will I forget it. I do not take lightly the massacre of three thousand of my people at the hands of cowardly terrorists.

Have you forgotten all the people killed? Some went down like heroes in that Pennsylvania field. Have you forgotten about our Pentagon? And all the loved ones that we lost and those left to carry on? Don't you tell me not to worry about bin Laden! Have you forgotten?

Perhaps you should find those harrowing images of New York City and see your fellow Americans blown into oblivion by a few cowardly terrorist murderers. Then maybe you might understand why I am willing to pay any price and bear any burden to defend this great nation and to ensure that the terrorists do not win. So are the fine men and women of our military.

I've had the pleasure of meeting thousands of our soldiers, sailors, airmen, and Marines. I've met personally with the families of the dead, and I visit Walter Reed Medical Hospital regularly. I know that these fine men and women make a great sacrifice for their country. It is important for you to understand that these people make this sacrifice voluntarily and few regret it. They are the front lines in the war on terror. We are at war.

Every death is a tragedy--and I would rather avoid death. You need to understand one thing: We love and cherish life; our enemy cherishes death, and desires nothing more and nothing less than our annihilation. I think and pray hard and long before I commit our troops to a battle because I understand the risks. But I also understand the rewards. Saddam Hussein no longer sends his secret police to kill his people. He no longer fills mass graves. He no longer attacks his own people with poison gas. He no longer murders his citizens for his own personal entertainment. He no longer rapes young girls.

But I must ask you again: have you forgotten?

3) Your God told you to bomb a bunch of defenseless paupers in foreign lands to oblivion. You are a drunkard, druggie, felon, deserter. You harbor the secrets of your Governorship and your business ethics. You are a repeat abject failure in everything you have ever done. Can you sleep at night? Of course not, you have wretched nightmares! Don't bother answering, you scum!

PRESIDENT: I'd better answerer that! Everything you said is false. I've already discussed my relationship with God at length; you just didn't listen. Although I've done some things that were wrong in my past, I haven't time to discuss it with you; you won't listen anyway. And you're wrong on the last count, too. I sleep peacefully at night. I don't have nightmares. I understand my role in the world. It isn't easy, but you couldn't be more wrong.

(4) A million people marched on Washington recently, protesting your anti choice policies. Meanwhile, you monkey...you went on vacation. Would you let your daughter take an abortion pill after a mistake at a beer bash?

PRESIDENT: I would appreciate your respect for my daughter's privacy. She is an adult and can make her own decisions. I've told you that I cherish life, and I even cherish the lives of unborn babies. Those lives are very real. Moreover, we're bringing fundamental rights to the women of Iraq and Afghanistan. They aren't raped by Saddam Hussein, and the don't have to wear burqas.

Thank you and good night.