Morford: Minivans Do Not Have Sex But BMW owners have plenty. What's a new-car buyer to do?

San Francisco Chronicle ^ | Friday, May 7, 2004 | Mark Morford, early Miata owner

[presidio9]

BMW drivers have more sex.

Astonishing, this headline, ripped straight from the pages of an upstart German car magazine for men called, quite Germanically, Men's Car, so you know it must be authoritative and irrefutable and dorky and niche-y and almost entirely pointless. So it must be true.

Basically, the survey claims that Bimmer owners claim they get it on more times per week (2.2, to be far too exact) than Audi owners or Porsche owners or Mercedes owners or VW owners and much more than those poor sorry Volvo people, because, well, it's a Volvo, fer Chrissakes, and don't even mention Hondas and Toyotas and Hyundais, because everyone knows Hyundai people don't have sex given how the very word "Hyundai" sounds like a noise you might make when you're choking. On a bratwurst.

[presidio9]

Dear Morford,
A moment of your time, if you please?
Your boss wants to fire you because your drug addiction has made you unreliable. He is using subject matter as an excuse, so you are unable to devote entire columns to insulting decent happy people. Still, I'd appreciate it if you did not monitor my username for story ideas. Thanks. You may now resume whatever perversion you were previously engaged in.
P9

[eastforker]

My Tahoe and Silverado both have orgasms every time it runs a BMW off the road!

[presidio9]

Let's try that again.

Morford Ping!

[RichInOC]

niche-y

Mark, I might be a stupid hick, but shouldn't that be spelled Nietzsche?

[MNlurker]

Shame his parents didn't own a minivan...

[TommyDale]

Was this study about having sex while in the car?

[presidio9]

Hyundai" sounds like a noise you might make when you're choking. On a bratwurst.

Morford expects us to believe that with all of her experience it would be physically possible for her to choke on a bratwurst?

[Constitution Day]

Still, I'd appreciate it if you did not monitor my username for story ideas. Thanks.

She likes you!
Miss Morford really likes you!

[1Old Pro]

Just for the record, I've driven BMW's for the past 20 years.

[KarlInOhio]

giant chrome exhaust pipes

Mark, please no discussions of "exhaust pipes".

ogles the Weber barbecue catalog and dreams of grilling giant wienerschnitzels and slapping them into warm buns).

Mark, earth to Mark, you're off topic. Get back to your usual topic.

And right now, in BushCo's pedantic and desperately asexual, violent, ass-clenched little world, open-thighed sexual energy is desperately needed.

Mark, one little sentence mentioning the President? Are your hormones OK? Do you need to see your doctor?

[presidio9]

I have for 10. It has had no noticable effect on my sex life.

[RightWingAtheist]

I can't find a picture of that car the Ambgiously Gay Duo drives in. Can someone post it here?

[Triple Word Score]

I'm not gonna click on that--just tell me, is the headline his work or yours?

Best laugh I've had all morning.

Doncha hate it when you are trying to go somewhere and two minivans decide to have sex right there in the middle of the road?

[presidio9]

This is the only one I was able to find for the other thread.

[Gorzaloon]

Basically, the survey claims that Bimmer owners claim they get it on more times per week

Yes, but alone while they are supposed to be driving.

[pt17]

My Tahoe and Silverado both have orgasms every time it runs a BMW off the road!

Our BMW pays no attention to SUVs when it leaves them in the dust. :-)

[reagan_fanatic]

Morford expects us to believe that with all of her experience it would be physically possible for her to choke on a bratwurst?

With Missy Morford's vast experience, he could probably deep-throat a watermelon and still carry on a conversation.

[1Old Pro]

I have for 10. It has had no noticable effect on my sex life. Me neither

[Constitution Day]

I've got a Mercedes now.
But I am married, so I could be driving a Ferrari and it would make no difference.

;^)