Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dogs’ Tails

TAS ^ | 5/24/2004 | P. David Hornik

[swilhelm73]

In the new novel Bliss by the Israeli writer Ronit Matalon (Metropolitan Books, trans. Jessica Cohen), there's a passage that stayed with me like a pesky tune.

Sarah is a young woman with a small child who wants to divorce her husband; Inès is an older friend from a different generation:

"Life's not good," Sarah says.

"When is it, tell me? When was it ever good?" Inès loses her temper. "What's the problem -- does he drink?"

Sarah shakes her head.

"Does he go with other women?"

"No," Sarah says.

"Does he bring home money?"

"That's not the problem, Inès."

"Then what is the problem? Tell me, I want to understand."

[…]

"I don't love him, I think," Sarah says finally. "Ultimately, I
suppose I don't love him."

… "You love him, you don't love him -- who loves anyone anyway? Children, you love. That's love."

Divorced myself and in the "dating" scene for eight years, I've met many Sarahs (the one in the novel indeed divorces her husband, though with other complications). They typically have husbands who are decent sorts, who love their kids and are loved by them, but whom the "Sarahs" eventually find deficient in some way -- unable to communicate feelings, lacking in understanding, no longer meeting expectations of "love." Apart from personal impressions, studies find that at least two-thirds of divorces in both Israel and the U.S. are now initiated by women, and a quick cruise of the Internet reveals that this is now the reality throughout the Western world.

It's a disconcerting reality, one that, I think, is not addressed much because of fear of offending women as a group. We may have come a long way since women were associated too narrowly with nurture; but we seem to have reached the opposite pole. Women now take the lead, by far, in dissolving families for reasons that usually are less than clear-cut.

We can speculate why this is so. Feminist assertiveness may have pushed women so far in that direction that it starts to verge on heedlessness. Media sentimentality about "love," to which women may be more sensitive, may indeed have created expectations that few real-life marriages can meet. Or it may be that our era has stumbled upon a discovery: now that the playing field is level, with little or no religious or societal sanction against divorce, and with most women able to survive financially without their husbands, could it be we're finding out that -- contrary to the lore and assumptions of the ages -- women just don't like men that much?

Indeed, the ex-husbands who are described by many of the divorcées I meet don't sound like such appealing creatures. They keep their feelings to themselves, come home after a long day of work and just expect physical needs to be met, don't bother to find out who their mate really is and what her inner terrain looks like. Since I'm often in a situation where I'm hoping to be liked myself, I don't say what's on my mind at such moments: "Yes, I understand, but maybe these are just limitations that are common among the male species? Maybe, since he was decent and responsible, you could have sought the things you lacked elsewhere -- among friends and relatives -- and accepted that this person was never going to live up to your dreams and answer all your needs?" But I'm starting to sound like Inès in the novel …

With both my old country and my adopted country engaged in a deadly war against terror (some would say it's the same war, some insist it's two different ones), one might ask if there aren't more urgent things going on than speculations about male-female relations. Except that I think it's connected; in both Israel and the U.S., the part of the society in which the divorce culture is strongest is also the part that most tends to deny that there's a need to fight, and to blame the country itself for the war instead of the cold-blooded killers who are attacking it. And in Western Europe, where the family is dying out, they refuse to fight altogether. That's another question we should probably be asking, and might be worth a study or two: Is the divorce culture compatible with patriotism? If people, in childhood, experience having a decent father move to a different apartment, are they as likely to identify with the larger society when they grow up?


P. David Hornik is a writer and translator in Jerusalem.

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[Warren]

What's for lunch?
Frogs and Snails and Puppy Dogs’ Tails

[Askel5]

=== Is the divorce culture compatible with patriotism?

[Spok]

People get bored, and new relationships are the most exciting. The problem is the relationships get old or they end. And eventually we reach the point where we no longer excite those who excite us, and we end up alone. IMHO

[whd23]

...don't bother to find out who their mate really is and what her inner terrain looks like

A man's view: If you want me to know about your "inner terrain" start talking. Don't expect me to play 20 questions.

[GovernmentShrinker]

IMHO, people need to learn to differentiate between family relationships and romantic/sexual relationships, and not chuck the former when they decide to move on in the latter. Family relationships need to be enduring, but romantic/sexual relationships are inherently not enduring (except for that minority of people who lack the drive for novelty). Some of the strongest, longest lasting marriages I know of from among my college friends (graduated nearly 20 years ago), are the ones that were "open" relationships from the start.

[bayourod]

I don't have an opinion on what the author says, and I'm sure that there are a lot of differences between Israel and America; but I do have some strong opinions on why government actions have made divorce so prelevant in America:

1. The "no fault" divorce laws have made it easier and cheaper to get divorced. When I first started practicing law in the 70s the minimum attorneys' fees were $1000.00. (that didn't include the detectives' fees) Thirty years later they start at $35.00. Spouses could fight the divorce and frequently win. Now there is no defense and all divorces are automatically granted.

2. The government has made it financially easier for a woman to divorce. AFDC, food stamps, Medicaid, vocational training, housing assistance, free childcare, new alimony laws in community property states, higher child support etc... now make it possible for a homemaker to leave her husband.

3. The Equal Rights Amendment movement, workplace equality anti-discrimination laws, quotas, womens scholarships, etc... sped up the movement of homemakers into the workforce, giving them financial Independence from husbands. Career pursuits resulted in later age marriages of women, fewer children, office romances and more interests outside the home and family.

4. Miscellaneous law changes weakened marriage. Adultery was decriminalized. Alienation Of Affection civil suits were prohibited. The marriage defense to rape was abolished. Spousal immunity laws were abolished. Rules requiring police action on domestic disputes gave women a big club to hold over their husbands' heads.

I could go on for days about governmental acts that have weakened the family institution. Others can talk about cultural, religious, emotional, etc... factors.

[Imal]

Wife: "Ask me what's wrong!"

Husband: "What's wrong?"

Wife: "Don't ask!"

[nunya bidness]

=== Is the divorce culture compatible with patriotism?

Do your lawyers wear flag pins?

[singlemomofone]

I think part of the problem was that we went through the "Do what feels good" era, and came out scarred.

Used to be couples held in there for the ebbs and flows of love. And by the time they reached upper middle age, the true love - the kind that no others can draw lines between - set in. People no longer recognize that it takes years and years to fall in love with someone. It doesn't happen over week, or months or even a few years. It takes a long time to learn to live with someone and truly love them.

People just give up now when the first "ebb" comes. They don't give it chance. Sometimes, it seems to me that people getting married treat it like exchanging class rings at the prom....you just take it back if something better comes along.

[Askel5]

Mixed bag, actually.

Pix of the President in two offices ... one is proudly displayed along with other similiar memorabilia by the "GOP Trunk List" author ... the other is held to the wall with a safety pin and has a barcode on W's forehead. I have yet to figure out whether it's a statement or not.

Somehow, I doubt it. Probably just "wiped it off" on whatever on the wall was handy.

[nunya bidness]

There's your answer.

[Publius6961]

I have a feeling that the book, The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands is at least one response to this phenomenon. I haven't read it, but I just have this suspicion...
Marriage is a complementary synbiotic relationship, thus it is impossible to claim failure without blaming oneself.

No, none of this applies to abusive relationships.