Posted on 12/22/2004 7:34:39 AM PST by ijcr
An Edinburgh man was arrested by police after they discovered an alligator in the boot of his car, a court has heard.
Anthony Quinn, 34, of Leith, was trying to sell the 4ft reptile after buying it over the internet and then realising that he could not care for it.
He advertised the caiman for sale and was arrested by undercover police officers for keeping the animal.
Quinn pleaded guilty at Edinburgh Sheriff Court to keeping a dangerous wild animal in his 15th floor flat.
The Scottish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (SSPCA) initially spotted that the animal was for sale after Quinn placed an advert.
Posing as potential buyers, SSPCA officers and plain-clothes police met Quinn in a car park in Edinburgh and asked to see the animal.
Quinn opened the boot of his Vauxhall Cavalier and the officers were confronted by the unrestrained and unmuzzled creature.
Regarded by experts as being "very dangerous", the female specimen was between four and five years old and weighed 7.5 kilos.
Quinn explained he had been looking for a pet and came across the alligator for sale on the internet. He said he had bought it for £250 from a man called "Bobby Brown".
The court heard he thought it was only 12" long and had been taken aback by its size when he picked it up.
He had initially planned to keep it in a 4ft fish tank at his flat in Kirkgate House, Constitution Street, but decided to house it in a bath instead.
He soon realised how dangerous the caiman was and decided to sell it on for a profit.
In the meantime, the court heard, he had fixed up "a heating contraption" which could have electrocuted the animal and was looking to buy a pond so he could keep it in his living room.
He fed it on frozen mice and brown trout.
The procurator fiscal said Quinn had waived all ownership rights to the animal and it was now in an animal sanctuary.
It will be sent back to South America for breeding purposes when it is six years old.
Quinn pleaded guilty to keeping a dangerous wild animal in his flat between 26 May and 7 July this year without having a licence from Edinburgh City Council; to causing it unnecessary suffering by failing to keep it in the proper conditions; and to culpable and reckless conduct by endangering others.
In Quinn's defence, it was said that he lived alone and so no-one else had been put in danger.
Sheriff Kenneth MacIver said he was at a loss to come up with a punishment that would meet the stupidity and danger to others caused by Quinn's actions.
He deferred sentence for reports.
Bath time on the 15th floor must have been hilarious, gator wrassling mandatory.
Who said the Scots were dour and have a poor sense of humor?
And the hood is called a "bonnet". Wacky Brits.
Hey, Anthony, don't let that alligator bite you in the -- a**, er, boot!
I can not resist. I need a license for my pet halibut! No you don't! Yes I do! Monty Python.
Here it is.
Fish Licence
Customer:
Hello, I would like to buy a fish license, please.
Shopkeeper:
A what?
Customer:
A license for my pet fish, Eric.
Shopkeeper:
How did you know my name was Eric?
Customer:
No no no, my fish's name is Eric, Eric the fish. He's an halibut.
Shopkeeper:
What?
Customer:
He is...an...halibut.
Shopkeeper:
You've got a pet halibut?
Customer:
Yes. I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too flat.
Shopkeeper:
You must be a looney.
Customer:
I am not a looney! Why should I be tied with the epithet looney merely because I have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabardo has a pet prawn called Simon and you wouldn't call him a looney; furthermore, Dawn Pailthorpe, the lady show-jumper, had a clam, called Stafford, after the late Chancellor, Allan Bullock has two pikes, both called Chris, and Marcel Proust had an haddock! So, if you're calling the author of 'A la recherche du temps perdu' a looney, I shall have to ask you to step outside!
Shopkeeper:
Alright, alright, alright. A license.
Customer:
Yes.
Shopkeeper:
For a fish.
Customer:
Yes.
Shopkeeper:
You are a looney.
Customer:
Look, it's a bleeding pet, isn't it? I've got a license for me pet dog Eric, and I've got a license for me pet cat Eric...
Shopkeeper:
You don't need a license for your cat.
Customer:
I bleeding well do and I got one. He can't be called Eric without it--
Shopkeeper:
There's no such thing as a bloody cat license.
Customer:
Yes there is!
Shopkeeper:
Isn't!
Customer:
Is!
Shopkeeper:
Isn't!
Customer:
I bleeding got one, look! What's that then?
Shopkeeper:
This is a dog license with the word 'dog' crossed out and 'cat' written in in crayon.
Customer:
The man didn't have the right form.
Shopkeeper:
What man?
Customer:
The man from the cat detector van.
Shopkeeper:
The looney detector van, you mean.
Customer:
Look, it's people like you what cause unrest.
Shopkeeper:
What cat detector van?
Customer:
The cat detector van from the Ministry of Housinge.
Shopkeeper:
Housinge?
Customer:
It was spelt like that on the van. I'm very observant!. I never seen so many bleeding aerials. The man said that their equipment could pinpoint a purr at four hundred yards! And Eric, being such a happy cat, was a piece of cake.
Shopkeeper:
How much did you pay for this?
Customer:
Sixty quid, and eight for the fruit-bat.
Shopkeeper:
What fruit-bat?
Customer:
Eric the fruit-bat.
Shopkeeper:
Are all your pets called Eric?
Customer:
There's nothing so odd about that: Kemal Ataturk had an entire menagerie called Abdul!
Shopkeeper:
No he didn't!
Customer:
Did!
Shopkeeper:
Didn't!
Customer:
Did, did, did, did, did and did!
Shopkeeper:
Oh, all right.
Customer:
Spoken like a gentleman, sir. Now, are you going to give me a fish license?
Shopkeeper:
I promise you that there is no such thing. You don't need one.
Customer:
In that case, give me a bee license.
Shopkeeper:
A license for your pet bee?
Customer:
Yes.
Shopkeeper:
Called Eric? Eric the Bee?
Customer:
No.
Shopkeeper:
No?
Customer:
No, Eric the Half-Bee. He had an accident.
Shopkeeper:
You're off your chump.
Customer:
Look, if you intend by that utilization of an obscure colloquiallism to imply that my sanity is not up to scratch, or indeed to deny the semi-existence of my little chum Eric the Half-Bee, I shall have to ask you to listen to this! Take it away, Eric the orchestra leader!.......
A one... two.... A one.. two.. three..four...
[piano intro]
Half a bee, philosophically, must, ipso facto, half not be.
But half the bee
has got to be,
vis a vis
its entity - do you see?
But can a bee
be said to be
or not to be
an entire bee
when half the bee
is not a bee
due to some ancient injury?
Singing...
La dee dee, 1 2 3,
Eric the half a bee.
A B C D E F G,
Eric the half a bee.
Is this retched demi-bee,
half asleep upon my knee,
some freak from a menagerie?
No! It's Eric the half a bee.
Fiddle dee dum,
Fiddle dee dee,
Eric the half bee.
Ho ho ho,
Tee hee hee,
Eric the half a bee.
I love this hive employee-ee-ee
[with buzzing in background]
bisected accidentally
one summer afternoon by me
I love him carnally.
He loves him carnally... [together]
...semi-carnally
[spoken]
The end
'Cyril Connelly?'
No! 'Semi-carnally'
Oh!
Cyril Connelly [sung softly and slowly]
I hope they don't find out about the python in my trousers...
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig!
'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!
THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause)
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a slug.
(pause)
C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the parrot for you.
C: Bolton, eh? Very well.
The customer leaves.
The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.
C: This is Bolton, is it?
O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.
The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".
C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
Attendant: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!
C: I beg your pardon...?
A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!
C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 200 lines, you know.
C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.
A: No, this is Bolton.
C: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!
A: Can't blame British Rail for that.
C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!
He does.
C: I understand this IS Bolton.
O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
C: You told me it was Ipswitch!
O: ...It was a pun.
C: (pause) A PUN?!?
O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?
C: (Long pause) A palindrome...?
O: Yeah, that's it!
C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!
O: Well, what do you want?
C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!
Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly...
or Chad's pet armadillo
I hope that isn't illegal, or I am in some series trouble... By the way, today's Armadillo Advisory is "SEVERE"...
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