also have "The Nude Bomb."
Posted on 01/06/2005 11:45:00 PM PST by Straight Vermonter
EXTREMIST Muslim scientists are developing a bomb that turns anyone within a 30-mile radius of its blast into a homosexual, say U.S. Intelligence insiders.
It's all a part of the Al Qaeda master plan to pull our country apart and kill the patriotism that makes us strong. "
They believe that making more Americans gay will start civil war between gays and ultraconservatives," says one highly placed intelligence officer. "They also figure it will lead to a decrease in the U.S. population."
The Gay Bomb was already in the planning stages when Osama Bin Laden and close, intimate friend Muhammad Atef founded the international terrorist group Al Qaeda in 1989.
"Atef and Bin Laden spent many late nights together during that time of revolution," reveals an ex-Al Qaeda member, who prefers to remain anonymous for fear of retribution.
"One morning, I entered their living quarters and they had worked so hard the night before they had fallen into bed together, suffering from exhaustion.
"That's when I saw the blueprints for the bomb. I asked about it, but Bin Laden said to leave it to the scientists. He and Atef had accidentally set one off the night before."
The explosive device is a foot long and shaped like a cigar with a pair of land mines at one end. Planes carrying the weapons will drop them on all major U.S. cities, except, of course, San Francisco, reveals the source.
The Gay Bomb will detonate the instant a heterosexual male steps on one of the mines, releasing potent waves of the female hormone estrogen into the air.
Within hours, heterosexual men will experience terrible urges like: "I'm dying to make out with my buddy in the next cubicle," and "I want a divorce from the witch I married," and "I wonder if I should redecorate the living room."
By the end of the day, the nation will be thrown into chaos. Wives and husbands will square off, leaving a trail of broken families from Hollywood to New York City.
Children will sob: "Why is Daddy moving the furniture and who is Judy Garland?"
Civil war will break out between conservative heterosexuals and newly single guerrilla fighters whowill likely call themselves the PLH, or Proud Latent Homosexuals.
"The only way to stop this horrible vision of the future is to analyze an exposed person's biochemistry and come up with a vaccine before the gay bombs strike," explains a government scientist.
Fortunately, Homeland Security czar Tom Ridge has stepped forward and volunteered for the dangerous job.
"We will reconstruct the gay bomb from the ex-Al Qaeda member's memory of the blueprints and set it off," says the scientist.
"Mr. Ridge will be as queer as a three-dollar bill until we find an antidote. Hopefully, we will discover the cure before it becomes permanent and he remains a gay man forever."
Um...all your butts are belong to us?
It must be a blast being a writer for the Weekly World News.
L
Hmmm.. A bomb full of Barbra Streisand CDs and Prince Alberts? This must be their most diabolical scheme yet!
The Pentagon's response to this flaccid menace was almost Halliburtonary in its evil brilliance. President Bush, Rove and the FCC commandeered the Emergency Broadcast System and began playing a John Wayne war movie marathon to protect and enhance the Nation's precious testosterone levels. At the same time, VP Cheney and the Secretary of War commandeered the Secretary of Agriculture, to immediately ramp up the manufacture of foot-long bladders of swine skin. Code-named, "Operation Super Bowl," the strategy is to drop millions of these pigskin devices in the sacred areas from a blimp....
You bet. You can just make stuff up on the fly.
Subsequent airdrops featured Critical Manhood Reinforcement Kits, each of which included half-inch socket sets, wide-screen HDTVs, NFL Films DVD collections, big sandwiches, keychain bottleopeners, Weber Pro gas grills, High Karate shaving kits, Jack Daniels Black Label, Fast Actin' Tinactin, 8-1 remote controls, pound upon pound of various smoked meats, and Beer World Gift Certificates.
Won't matter if it does. We'll all be mobbed by hairdressers if that bomb works...
Further land-based deliveries were expected to include Kegerator beer dispensing systems and chest-type freezers filled with Omaha Steaks.
San Francisco is safe...There won't be any casualties in that city.
The Onion? Sure sounds like it.
Those evil terrorists have already tested this bomb in San Francisco and it worked flawlessly. This was after a failed trial in Paris turned all the men into whiny cheese monkeys.
I meant The Weekly World News, not the New York Times ;)
-PJ
Isn't the latest headline about Saddam getting beat up by a female inmate?
....as the threat continued to loom, the Department of Education, acknowledging a critical 'girly-boy' situation in the nation's schools, sent all male teachers with necks less than 17" in short buses to interment camps...and granted the National Rifle Association a no-bid contract to provide all needed substitute teachers.
In the propaganda warfront, Hollywood responded as it did in WWII's Golden Age, with actors providing character-building patriotic tutorials carefully disguised as Midwestern tractor pulls and rodeos.
one for your homosexual agenda ping :-)
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