Posted on 01/26/2005 3:27:27 PM PST by ambrose
Orthodox lesbian speaks to students at U of T
By SHERI SHEFA CJN Intern
As if the life of an Orthodox Jewish woman in North America isn’t complicated enough, “Chani” is also being torn between being true to herself and the religion she honours.
“Chani” – who chose not to reveal her real name – spoke to a gathering last week at the at the University of Toronto’s Wolfond Centre for Jewish Campus Life about what it’s like to live as an Orthodox lesbian Jew.
The lecture titled “Collision of Worlds and their Rebuilding: On Being an Orthodox Lesbian Jew,” organized by Hillel of Greater Toronto’s education committee, and Kulanu, the campus gay Jewish organization, covered her journey into accepting herself as both a lesbian and a frum Jew.
“In the beginning of this journey of coming out to myself and realizing who I was, I don’t think I questioned my Jewishness or who I was as a Jew. I still knew that I wanted to be observant,” Chani said.
Growing up in a very sheltered community in New York City, without television or even a radio, she didn’t know what the word lesbian meant.
“I didn’t realize that I was different from other people. I just assumed that most girls were attracted to other girls and you get married to guys,” she said.
“There were some signs along the way,” she joked. “When most of my classmates were babysitting, I was working in a hardware store.”
By the time she was 17, she did what all the girls in her class did.
She got married, and by 21 she had three kids.
She became overwhelmed with the stress involved in raising children, so her husband, who “was becoming more modern,” decided it might be a good idea for them to get a television set.
After watching a few shows, she stumbled across the situation comedy, Ellen, which starred Ellen DeGeneres, who played a lesbian on the show.
“I’m watching this episode and I hear or see the word lesbian and everyone [the studio audience] was laughing, so I thought, ‘What does this word mean?’ And I looked it up in the dictionary,” she said.
“Finding out that I was a lesbian was a relief. It was like, Oh! Now I get it! All of a sudden all those little things make sense!”
Once she had her third child, she felt the relationship she had with her husband had become unreconcilable.
After going into therapy, to try to mend a marriage that was doomed for reasons other than her sexuality, she eventually left and took her children with her.
Leaving her husband was enough to keep her parents from speaking to her ever again – and they don’t even know she’s gay.
Despite being torn between a religion that doesn’t accept her and a lifestyle that doesn’t understand her connection to God, Chani has made peace with the fact that it is possible to be Orthodox and gay.
“When people ask me ‘Why are you a lesbian? Why are you gay? Why do you feel you need to be different?’ It is something you can’t explain, it’s something innate, something inside of us. The attraction isn’t something you decide,” she said.
In the same way that Chani couldn’t ignore her natural attraction to women, she simply could not abandon her faith in God.
“I knew that I would be throwing away a big part of who I was and I didn’t want to do that,” she said. “I can’t choose not to be frum, I can’t choose not to [have] a connection with God.”
While she said she still understands that the Orthodox community and the Torah frown upon homosexual acts, there is nothing in the text that says anything about being homosexual.
“Maybe it is easier for me because I’m a woman, and in the Jewish text, the idea of lesbian or gay is not really discussed. The actual wording has to do with a guy lying with a guy.”
(The actual passage in Leviticus states: “A man shall not lie with another man as he would lie with a woman, it is an abomination.”)
Chani said she dates Jewish women – observant and non-observant – and feels it doesn’t make her any less Jewish.
She also said she has come to realize that no Jew is perfect or can live to the letter of the law in every way. That’s why she chooses not to judge individuals the way others have judged her.
“I’m going to stop judging Judaism by the Jews… because they are just people. People make mistakes, people mess up everything. If I judged Judaism by the Jews, I wouldn’t be a Jew. Let alone Orthodox or observant or any of that,” she said.
Chani said she is not out to make anyone believe something they don’t want to believe, nor is she looking for approval.
“For me I try to believe that God loves me for who I am regardless of what I do,” she said. “I love who I am and I love every part of what makes me be the person I am, and my sexuality is part of that,”
So, what’s next for Chani?
She plans to continue taking night courses over the years to get an undergraduate degree, and she’s also hoping to do rabbinical studies. She hopes one day that Orthodox rules will be modified so that she can become a rabbi.
And she became a Jew after watching "Fiddler On The Roof"...
OY - LOL !!!
FYI..and a question....doen't Orthodox Jewd require a "get" for a divorce?. Would the husband grant one, AND allow the wife to take the kids?..doesn't seem to totally make sense..
As a conservative, I'm glad we don't see people primarily as members of a group -- her life is her own to live.
Aha! A loophole!
"Orthodox (Jewish) lesbian "
Isn't that an oxymoron?
Yes. The husband probably ran to give her one as fast as he could anyway.
After watching Ellen I wanted to become a capon.
Orthodox Lesbian Jew = Oxymoronic Left-wing JAP
Whoooosh.........I was really afraid the U of T they were talking about was University of Texas. Canada can have her.
This is just a case of being so sheltered from life that she's become naive. And with that comes an ease of accepting things, like being gay. Just because you identify with a tv personality doesn't make you gay.
you haven't been watching ellen, have you? (/s)
I can buy that..but why would he let her take the kids?..That's what I don't get..( no pun intended..)
Sounds like the beginning of a joke. An Orthodox lesbian jew walks in to bar...
This after she was happy/eager to marry and have sex and a family with a man. Then she decided to find a way out of the stressful marriage by chasing after women.
Ok, if her lesbian nature is so "innate" why did it only become apparent to her after watching a TV show?
As usual, the world revolves solely around HER needs and identity. Today, it seems nothing else matters. And then we wonder why kids grow up to be sociopaths.
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