Posted on 02/12/2005 7:00:08 PM PST by NYC GOP Chick
By DAMIEN CAVE
IET GAUCHAT arrived at his new girlfriend's apartment on Valentine's Day a few years ago with box of chocolate candy and a card. Their first date had occurred only a few weeks earlier, and since he had just ended a serious relationship, Mr. Gauchat approached the holiday warily.
He figured candy was safe - a step up from the clip-on teddy bear he'd given to someone a few years back, yielding the complaint that he was "an emotional park bench." The idea was simply to keep the relationship in play, without moving it forward.
"I gave her mine first, feeling a bit sheepish," Mr. Gauchat, a 31-year-old software entrepreneur from Hoboken, recalled. "She then proceeded to pull out this nicely wrapped box, which had a blue cashmere sweater in it."
The clearly uneven rate of exchange, he said, "was an unmitigated disaster complete with tears, followed by breakup and nasty e-mails referring to my inability to 'validate her emotional needs.' "
There are probably no couples who consistently sail through Valentine's Day, each miraculously meeting and exceeding the other's expectations, neither one feeling put out or shortchanged.
But for those in the first flush of love or lust, the day casts a particularly long and ominous shadow, forcing couples to gamble on a relationship that has barely begun. Do too much, and you scare the other person away; too little and your date may be disappointed. Most people would prefer to just shut their eyes and hope it goes away, but of course it never does.
Steve Koppes, 47, a publicist and children's book author in Chicago, was so afraid of the Valentine's Day hex that he almost stopped dating altogether. Though he had spent most of 2004 alone and mildly miserable, he had a hard time facing the prospect of colossal, public romantic failure.
"I'd just rather not deal with it," he said.
Nevertheless, there is now a woman in the picture and Mr. Koppes - still unsure of what he will do - sees Valentine's Day bearing down on him like a freight train.
"You never really know what you're going to get or what's going to happen," Mr. Koppes said last week. "People get dismissed in the dating pool for the slightest provocation so if you don't hit just the right tone, you're out."
Trying to anticipate the romantic expectations of someone you don't know that well may in fact be impossible, said Barbara DeAngelis, author of "What Women Want Men to Know" (Hyperion, 2001). "People don't realize until it's too late that each of us has a secret relationship rule book based on a combination of expectation, fantasies or even television," she said. "We come into a relationship not even realizing we have it, but we enforce it immediately."
The misunderstandings, the tears, the breakups, usually revolve around a single question. Is Valentine's Day important?
For some - mostly men - the answer is a definitive no. They tend to see Feb. 14 as "a day on the calendar that vendors promote to get into their wallet," said Michael Webb, author of "The RoMANtic's Guide: Hundreds of Creative Tips for a Lifetime of Love" (Hyperion, 2000).
Others, he said - often women - "believe that what happens on Feb. 14 will be an indication of how the rest of their relationship will play out for eternity."
For the faint of heart, there's always leaving town. Mr. Gauchat's current girlfriend saw potential trouble coming and made plans to visit her family in Oregon over their first Valentine's Day together. They've been together ever since.
And of course it helps to have advance intelligence. Lucy Fowler, 29, a lawyer in Boston, said she pulled off a Valentine's Day coup a few years ago thanks to a friend who tipped her off that a new beau would be sending a dozen purple tulips. She liked him, but their first date had been only 10 days earlier; she hadn't gotten him anything because she didn't want to seem pushy or clingy.
"I freaked out because I realized that I would have to reciprocate without making it look like I was doing so only because I found out about the tulips," she said. "I wanted things not to be awkward."
So, like a prosecutor faced with a surprise witness, she put in a call to Zingerman's, a specialty food store in Ann Arbor, Mich., where the beau had attended law school. After hearing about her predicament, the saleswoman agreed to send him an e-mail message claiming that the gift was arriving late because of a software glitch.
"He loved it," Ms. Fowler said. Eventually the pair broke up, but amicably. "And to this day," she said, "he does not know that he received bread only in response to the tulips."
I agree; Now, a cleaning lady, THAT would be a cool gift. B^P
I have no idea what I mean. Ever. Seriously.
Sorry about that.
Sure. Break into the bank. She'll like that macho manly way you have about you. Just be sure to hand her the candy BEFORE they put the handcuffs on you.
ROFL And I for one, wouldn't blame you!!!
Death by chocolate, eh? I heard the CIA was developing that. The French have something in a light fluffy (but deadly) mousse.
Oh, and quit whipping out your lightsaber. It's kind of disturbing.
It's not your fault!
Actually I'm witty and likable. Friend to all I meet. Don't have a book to hawk, either.
man, how many bitter writers are there....this is like the 5th story posted like this!
I was 28 before I got married... my younger sister got married... my two younger first female cousins were married... I thought my gosh, I might end up a spinster. But then suddenly just when I least thought it would happen, it did. I met my husband and we've lived happily ever after ever since.
I've known him for 18 years... I've only received one valentine's day gift from him... a dozen plastic pink roses.
He loves me with all of his heart... sometimes it not just about the money or the diamonds, there are so many other ways that it shows.
I don't think he's bitter, just kind of freaked out by pushy broads.
Distance relationships help take some of that pressure off ;)
I think your husband and I got the same pan. Did his have a glass lid?
Your hamster story is very sweet. And I don't blame you for not wanting a snake. I wouldn't mind having one, but I'd have a problem feeding it.
Ah! The old sympathy ploy, some how I don't think that will work. Anyway I'll save the "Ooooo I've twisted my ankle,
(clutching tightly around the waist) for later, who knows, I had that one pulled on me once, and I couldn't even figure out why her girl friend was laughing to beat the band!
That's good to know. The "pithy" thing caught my eye...but I wouldn't say Bill O'Reilly is attractive to women. He sure isn't to me.
I'm into desperate and plain with low self-esteem. But I love your positive outlook.
Oh No No No AmishDude, never desparate! THey will latch on to you for dear life, and sufficate you! Not literally of course, but sometimes the nonliteral is worse!
My ex (who was dubbed thereafter as The Beast) had mentioned once that she thought it might be fun to go on a balloon ride, after seeing one in the sky. She hadn't mentioned it for months afterward, but that ended up being my gift to her. She loved it.
Dammit.
ROTFL!
Now that is so sweet!! Very expensive but very sweet none the less!
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