Posted on 07/28/2005 12:12:25 PM PDT by Mike Bates
A man who compared a woman's anatomy to a carburetor won an annual contest that celebrates the worst writing in the English language.
Dan McKay, a computer analyst at Microsoft Great Plains in Fargo, N.D., bested thousands of entrants from North Pole, Alaska to Manchester, England to triumph Wednesday in San Jose State University's annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.
"As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire," he wrote, comparing a woman's breasts to "small knurled caps of the oil dampeners."
The competition highlights literary achievements of the most dubious sort — terrifyingly bad sentences that take their inspiration from minor writer Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, whose 1830 novel "Paul Clifford" began, "It was a dark and stormy night."
"We want writers with a little talent, but no taste," San Jose State English Professor Scott Rice said. "And Dan's entry was just ludicrous."
McKay was is in China and could not be reached to comment about his status as a world-renowned wretched writer. He will receive $250.
Rice said the challenge began as a worst paragraph contest, but judges soon realized no one should have to wade through so much putrid prose — such as this zinger, which took a dishonorable mention.
"The rising sun crawled over the ridge and slithered across the hot barren terrain into every nook and cranny like grease on a Denny's grill in the morning rush, but only until eleven o'clock when they switch to the lunch menu," wrote Lester Guyse, a retired fraud investigator in Portland, Ore.
"That was the least favorite of the five I entered, but you win any way you can," Guyse said.
Ken Aclin, of Shreveport, La., won the Grand Panjandrum's Award for his shocking similes and abusive use of adjectives. He wrote that India "hangs like a wet washcloth from the towel rack of Asia."
"I just saw that washcloth hanging in the shower and it looked like India," he said. "I'll be doggone."
___
It doesn't?
Shouldn't this have gone to the NYT's editorial staff?
Lol. These are always funny.
It's a little hard to get it started and it takes it a while to warm it up, but then it runs and runs and runs and runs ....
He compares a man's anatomy to a bottle rocket.
So9
They have editors?
This is someone who spends a lot of time in the garage.
And it's true.
By himself.
"The rising sun crawled over the ridge and slithered across the hot barren terrain into every nook and cranny like grease on a Denny's grill in the morning rush, but only until eleven o'clock when they switch to the lunch menu."
IIRC, didn't British iron come w/ SU's, not Strombergs ?
Yes, and they are only about an 'A' cup, so it was wrong to compare an 'ample bosom' to them.
So9
Remind me of some of Larry the Cable Guy's analogies.
My favorite: "makes me madder than a one-legged prostitute trying to do a table hop!"
My appreciation for knurling just went up considerably.
I like Larry the Cable Guy's analogies.
Kind of like Rodney Dangerfields comparison of women to a car.
"How many times on a cold morning when you really need it, they won't turn over"
That explains why he won. His writing isn't bad, he just got his facts wrong. Perhaps he's got a future on network news.
The geek version: I think of her every time I see a brand new pencil ereser.
Funny, yes.
Well, I think I've found a way to make it a winner next year:
"The rising sun rammed itself over the ridge, slip-sliding across the hot barren terrain forcing itself into every nook and cranny like grease spatters jumping like lemmings from a Denny's grill onto the vast ocean of the cook's bare belly, but only until eleven o'clock when they switch to the lunch menu."
Paging Olive Oil. Or Gwyneth Paltrow.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.