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Source: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2005/03/20/INGIGBNC46129.DTL

MISSING CASEY
When a soldier dies, nothing back home is ever the same

The family Spc. Casey Sheehan left behind reminds us that war creates intensely human consequences. Sometimes we become numb to the pain.

For two years now, a new vocabulary has invaded the nightly news shows. We hear the words so often they aren't so jarring anymore. "Another four U.S. soldiers ..." "Two more Marines ..." There's really no need to complete the sentences. They end the same way: "... died in Iraq."

Some nights, the stock market, traffic tie-ups, even the weather get more attention than American casualties in Iraq. Is it war fatigue that diminishes the impact of this death count? The total is now 1,519. On average, two U.S. service members a day have died since the Iraq war began two years ago this weekend.

Numbers are inadequate in any case. Without a name, without a face, without a personal history, the lives of these fallen men and women are anonymous. The same is true for the estimated 16,000 Iraqi civilians who have died since the war's start on March 20, 2003 (Iraq time).

In the streets of Baghdad, in the corridors of Washington where pundits and politicians meet for conversation, there's still no agreement on whether the conflict has been worth it. The question is academic for most people, including politicians. For those who've lost a family member in Iraq, it's almost cruel. Some of them respond, "yes, the war was necessary," and some say, "no, it wasn't," but they all feel the pain of personal loss.

Reminders are everywhere. Sometimes, people in Vacaville walk up to Casey Sheehan's family and ask how he's doing. They haven't seen Casey in a while --

some of them aren't even aware he joined the Army -- and they want to know if he still lives in town, still enjoys acting, is still religious.

It's always an awkward moment. The family explains that Casey was recruited to join the U.S. Army before the Sept. 11 attacks. They explain that Casey was convinced that while in uniform he could help people, that Casey wanted to be a chaplain's assistant and perhaps make a career out of the Army.

The family then must say that on April 4, 2004, Casey was killed in a Baghdad slum. He died in an ambush while trying to rescue other soldiers who were under attack. Seven other soldiers perished with Casey that day. The newscasts made passing note of their deaths.

Casey was 24. He's survived by his mother, Cindy; his father, Pat; his younger brother, Andy; and younger sisters, Carly and Jane. Each has reacted differently to Casey's death. Together, they are indicative of the human burden that countries exact when they go to war. More than the monuments that get erected, it's the actions of those left behind and the feelings they carry inside that testify to a war's lasting influence.

CINDY SHEEHAN

In the years before April 4, Cindy Sheehan's life revolved around her family and a series of full-time jobs, including one as a youth minister at a Vacaville church. Three months after Casey's death, Cindy Sheehan, 47, became a full-time antiwar activist. She travels around the country to speak, letting others know there are military families who believe the Iraq war was a mistake.

The group Sheehan founded in January, Gold Star Families for Peace, has members across the United States. Sheehan is its best-known face because of her many appearances at demonstrations and because of TV ads broadcast during last year's presidential campaign.

In one ad, Sheehan spoke directly to President Bush, saying about Casey, "He died in his best friend's arms in Iraq. I imagined it would hurt if one of my kids was killed, but I never thought it would hurt this bad. Especially someone so honest and brave as Casey, my son, when you haven't been honest with us, Mr. Bush. When you and your advisers rushed us into this war. How do you think we felt when we heard the Senate report that said there was no link between Iraq and 9/11?"

Sheehan cried in the ad, just as she cries today when she speaks about her elder son. She takes his picture wherever she goes. She carried it to Washington in January when she tried to meet with Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Security guards prevented her and other members of Gold Star Families for Peace from entering the doors of the Pentagon.

She met Bush once, during his visit to Fort Lewis, Wash. She says she tried to show the president photos of Casey, but he wouldn't look at them. She says she asked him, "Mr. President, what did my son die for?" and he said, "I believe every person deserves to be free."

She says Casey's death is "compelling me to fight for peace. ... This is what gets me out of bed in the morning -- that and my other three kids."

PAT SHEEHAN

Casey's dad is a sales representative whose territory is Northern California and Northern Nevada. Pat Sheehan, 51, says his son's death changed the way he deals with people. Before April 4, Pat Sheehan would never talk to clients about issues like Iraq.

"Before, I didn't ever bring politics into the equation during my work," he says. "I learned early on not to discuss politics or religion with business associates, but I've become more outspoken and a little more stubborn about the way I feel, even though it's important to be professional in my business. I think it's important to let people know the truth. I'm still very cautious, but I'm quicker to speak out than I was before."

Pat couldn't bear having Casey's things at home, so he rented a storage locker. Visiting it, as he did recently to retrieve Casey's uniform, is exceptionally difficult for him.

To help him cope with his loss, Pat Sheehan bought a 1969 VW Bug convertible last month. He says working on the car takes his mind off Casey's death and the political issues he is focused on. "Andy and I work on it together," says Pat. "Casey used to help me a bit with other cars."

ANDY SHEEHAN

Pat and Cindy Sheehan's only surviving son moved back home after his brother died. He works as a surveyor apprentice, a job he started just three months after Casey's death.

In his room, Andy has posters that once belonged to his brother, including one featuring cheerleaders from Texas, where Casey was stationed before going to Iraq. Andy, who is 21, was always close to his brother, who was four years older. Every day, Andy wears a spare set of Casey's military dog tags.

"We were inseparable before he left for the military," Andy says. "We did everything together, just like brothers."

Two months after Casey's death, Andy had a large tattoo created on his back. It features a cross, a rose, and a band that reads "79-04" -- the years of Casey's birth and death.

"I have three other tattoos. It seemed like a good idea to get one in memory of him," Andy says.

Casey's death has prompted changes in Andy. "I'm not saying (Casey's death) benefited me, but it made me more of a man," Andy says. "I just felt I should be closer to my sisters and be more of a big brother now that we've lost our big brother."

CARLY SHEEHAN

Carly, 24, works as a waitress at a local restaurant and goes to Solano Community College. She wrote a poem about her brother's death:

Have you ever heard the sound of a mother screaming for her son?

The torrential rains of a mother's weeping will never be done.

They call him a hero, you should be glad that he's one,

but have you ever heard the sound of a mother screaming for her son?

Have you ever heard the sound of a father holding back his cries?

He must be brave because his boy died for another man's lies.

The only grief he allows himself are long, deep sighs.

Have you ever heard the sound of a father holding back his cries?

Have you ever heard the sound of taps played at your brother's grave?

They say that he died so that the flag will continue to wave,

but I believe he died because they had oil to save.

Have you ever heard the sound of taps played at your brother's grave?

Have you ever heard the sound of a nation being rocked to sleep?

The leaders want to keep you numb so the pain won't be so deep,

but if we the people let them continue, another mother will weep.

Have you ever heard the sound of a nation being rocked to sleep?

She says the pain of Casey's death has eased a bit in the past few months, but "Every once in a while, I'll just be doing normal things and, all of a sudden, I feel like I get smacked in the face or punched in the gut. I'll think, 'Oh my God, my brother is dead.' It's hard."

JANE SHEEHAN

The youngest of Casey's siblings, Jane Sheehan, is 19. She has a hard time talking about her brother's death, and she didn't want to speak for this article. She was certainly in Casey's thoughts during his brief time in Iraq. In a letter Casey wrote on March 31 (but never mailed home -- commanders found it after his death), Casey wrote, "How is everyone doing? I wish I could be home for Jane's graduation."

The letter is difficult to read. In it, Casey reassures his family that he should be safe, that "we should be looking at a pretty smooth year. The unit we're replacing had only two deaths during their time here."

Four days later, Casey was dead. It has been almost a year now. The anniversary is coming up in two weeks.

To mark the second anniversary of the war, Cindy Sheehan was scheduled to be in Fayetteville, N.C., speaking at an antiwar rally in a city that's home to Fort Bragg and Pope Air Force Base.

Fayetteville is a long way from Vacaville and a long way from Iraq. Cindy Sheehan says she and her family will go as far as it takes to keep Casey's memory alive.

Casey's last letters home
These letters to Casey Sheehan's family were never sent. Military personnel gave them to the family after his death.

March 13-14, 2004

"The Beginning"

It was a long ordeal starting out at 1100 Saturday morning. We arrived at the back dock to find out we weren't leaving until 2:30 that afternoon. And so began a lot of waiting around. The married soldiers had their families to see them off, and all I had was a call home the night before. Mom cried her eyes out over the phone, not the first time it happened either.

From the back dock we loaded onto a bus that took us to the iron horse gym, where we did some more waiting and the families had one more chance to say good bye. From there we took another bus to Abrams gym, where we actually did some manifest processing for the flight.

They had a nice setup for us, too. Phones, Internet, video games, food, free stuff and music were all provided prior to the next bus ride to the plane. At 6:30 p.m. Saturday, they formed us up and herded us onto the bus for the plane.

As we loaded the plane, the flight attendants proceeded to tell us we were making a stop in Ireland before we got to Kuwait. Unfortunately for us, we have to stay on the plane while the crew changes and the plane is refueled. We will be landing in Ireland shortly, then on to Kuwait.

We stayed in Ireland for about 4 hours. While we were here, there was also a National Guard unit from Sacramento. I spoke with the sergeant major of that unit and let him know I was from Vacaville.

I also spoke with one of the airport employees. She told me about the country and the different things to do. She also informed me that my family name is well known here. Shortly after that, we boarded the plane for Kuwait which we were informed will take 6 hours and 4 minutes to get there..

March 31, 2004

Hey Family:

I've finally made to Iraq. Luckily for us, there was no threat to our convoy.

How is everyone doing? I wish I could be home for Jane's graduation.

We should be looking at a pretty smooth year. The unit we are replacing had only two deaths during its time here. Anyway, I didn't think Mom needed to know that. She's already too worried about me being here.

I'm glad I finally got to write. They didn't give us the address until we got to our camp. I'm also glad I got to talk to Mom for a bit about a week ago. She probably doesn't remember because I woke her up.

I had an interesting flight. We flew from Fort Hood to Ireland. We had had 3 1/2-hour layover there. I spent $1.30 for a coke out of a soda machine and got 70 cents back in Eurocoins. I got to speak to one of the employees at the airport. She told me about the country and said that our last name is very well known.

After Ireland we landed in Kuwait ...

E-mail Jonathan Curiel at jcuriel@sfchronicle.com.