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HOW TO TELL IF YOU'VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS
Weekly World News ^
| 11/10/2005
| NICK JEFFREYS
Posted on 12/20/2005 8:14:41 AM PST by Lazamataz
MOST people have been abducted by aliens, say some UFO experts -- so odds are you're one of them.
"Extraterrestrials possess the ability to wipe human memory clean," said Dr. J. Albert Longneck, a UFO investigator from Houston, Texas. "You could be kidnapped once or twice a week and you wouldn't remember a thing."
But there are detectable signs that you've been taken aboard a spacecraft and examined, according to Dr. Longneck. Here is a revealing excerpt from his upcoming book Did I Forget I Was Kidnapped By Aliens?
(Excerpt) Read more at weeklyworldnews.com ...
TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: aliens; analprobes; artbell; greensemen; kooktokookam; ufo
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I won't totally spoil it for you, but some of the ways to tell if you have been abducted are:
- You are drunk a lot.
- You are mentally ill.
- There are a lot of puncture marks (needle marks?) on your arms.
- Your blood is green (also a sign of Advanced Leprechanism).
- Your nose is smaller.
1
posted on
12/20/2005 8:14:42 AM PST
by
Lazamataz
To: Lazamataz
You frequent the democrat underground.
2
posted on
12/20/2005 8:15:46 AM PST
by
mnehring
(“Anybody who doesn’t appreciate what America has done and President Bush, let them go to hell”...)
To: Lazamataz
You have a subscription, don't you? Admit it. : )
3
posted on
12/20/2005 8:15:55 AM PST
by
TheBigB
("Hey, barkeep, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?"--Brian Griffin)
To: Lazamataz
It's 12/20/2005! Welcome Back, Laz. Oh, that's right. You never left.
How can we miss you when you never leave?
To: Lazamataz
You have an
ENORMOUS WINKIE!
To: Lazamataz
HOW TO TELL IF YOU'VE BEEN ABDUCTED BY ALIENS Michael Moore and Nancy Pelosi start making sense to you.
Hillary's thighs start to turn you on.
You start caring what Mike Farrell and Ed Asner think about the death penalty.
Guns start scaring you.
6
posted on
12/20/2005 8:17:16 AM PST
by
dirtboy
(Drool overflowed my buffer...)
To: mnehrling
You frequent the democrat underground.Nu uhh. YOU do.
7
posted on
12/20/2005 8:17:35 AM PST
by
Lazamataz
("Over it is not, until over it is." -- Yoda Berra)
To: Lazamataz
ROFL!!!
My personal favorite:
"You suddenly discover you are missing a limb -- "You know you started out the day with two arms and two legs, and yet, when it's time to go to bed, one is missing," said Dr. Longneck. "This is an indication they have kept one of your limbs for dissection purposes."
I just KNEW it! They have been abducting the whole DNC for YEARS!!!!
8
posted on
12/20/2005 8:17:50 AM PST
by
Danae
(Anál nathrach, orth' bháis's bethad, do chél dénmha)
To: Lazamataz
Is this the rag that had the picture on the front page of the cats living on venus? (could have been Saturn)
9
posted on
12/20/2005 8:18:06 AM PST
by
nuconvert
(No More Axis of Evil by Christmas ! TLR) [there's a lot of bad people in the pistachio business])
To: Lazamataz
You think Michael Moore is cute......
10
posted on
12/20/2005 8:18:35 AM PST
by
Red Badger
(And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him)
To: Lazamataz
psstt..I'm the one pictured in the middle...
11
posted on
12/20/2005 8:18:37 AM PST
by
Millee
("Life is just one damned thing after another" - Elbert Hubbard)
To: Young Werther
You have an ENORMOUS WINKIE!Uh oh.
12
posted on
12/20/2005 8:18:42 AM PST
by
Lazamataz
("Over it is not, until over it is." -- Yoda Berra)
To: Lazamataz
Though I'm not sure if Teddy Kennedy's blood is green, he meets the other qualifications
To: Lazamataz
LOL, glad to see your humor this early today...
14
posted on
12/20/2005 8:18:54 AM PST
by
ßuddaßudd
(7 days - 7 ways "Guero")
To: Lazamataz
Clearly we've been abducted by aliens. Congress is run by aliens. We are under the tuteledge of Congress.
To: nuconvert
Is this the rag that had the picture on the front page of the cats living on venus?Yes, and the caption was: PROOF THAT VENUS DOESN'T NEED WOMEN.
Must be an inside joke.
16
posted on
12/20/2005 8:19:31 AM PST
by
Lazamataz
("Over it is not, until over it is." -- Yoda Berra)
To: Lazamataz
"Extraterrestrials possess the ability to wipe human memory clean," said Dr. J. Albert Longneck, a UFO investigator from Houston, Texas. "You could be kidnapped once or twice a week and you wouldn't remember a thing...""....that's what I tell my wife, anyway".
17
posted on
12/20/2005 8:19:39 AM PST
by
randog
(What the....?!)
To: Lazamataz
Abducties often experience existential angst:
Scenes from a DUmmie Marriage
A film by Ingmar Bergman
with joska wilson & val plameska
I saw Death today, Val.
.
.
.
.
.
.
He challenged me to a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos.
.
.
.
.
.
.
As we were playing, I had a vision. I saw a large
frog marching toward me. It spoke ominously, saying....
.
.
.
.
.
.
... "The tea! The Tea!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.................................................................Joska?
.
.
.
.
.
.
"The sweet mint tea!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
........................................................... Yes, Joska, I
...........................................................understand now. All is lost.
To: Lazamataz
Your nose is smaller.Michael Jackson's been abducted... I knew it!!
19
posted on
12/20/2005 8:20:02 AM PST
by
Cliff Dweller
("get thar fustest with the mostest." GEN NB Forrest)
To: TheBigB; Lazamataz
You have a subscription, don't you? Admit it. : )He's Senior Editor.
20
posted on
12/20/2005 8:20:27 AM PST
by
Fierce Allegiance
(I miss my dad. Ruudzdistvachxizax^ama ama slum tagadagan inix^sinaa imchix anuxtakus)
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