What I Have Learned In 15 Years

It was 15 years ago today that our 8-year-old son Ryan suffered a severe brain injury that left him unable to walk or talk or feed himself. He was in the hospital (in two hospitals, actually) for over six months, and ever since has lived with us at home. I thought I would share some of the lessons I've learned in these past 15 years:

I thought I'd start out with the most unpleasant reality first. That in times of real trouble, some people you thought were your true-blue friends or close family members you thought were of solid character can turn out to have the proverbial feet of clay. For whatever reason, they're never around anymore. Why? I don't know. But you have to get to the point where you worry about this about as much as you worry that your pet ferret can't do fractions, which is to say not at all. Yeah, it hurts. But your not the first to stumble upon this disappointing fact by any means

When my first born was still in the hospital nursery, I showed him to my Dad. Looking at my son, I told my Dad that I loved the little boy. Dad looked at me and said, you don`t love. I couldn`t believe what he said and almost popped him. Then, he told me what he meant, I couldn`t love my son till he was sick, then I would understand. Six months later, standing in the same hospital, I got what he was talking about.

You have a long hard path, and my sincerest sympathy and best wishes go out to you.

Eight years ago I brought my mother home to die (she begged me not to let her die in a hospital), and I cared for her for 4 months with the help of my husband.

Four years ago my husband became totally dependent with Alzheimers. I watched over him 24/7 for 3 years. He had one good friend who always called to ask how he was doing and cheer me up. Sometimes, during the last 3 months when my husband was no longer very mobile and slept 15 hours a day, he would come and sit with him, while I went to the bank, food store, etc. His support made a tremendous difference. I feel teary just remembering my gratitude.
Both men were combat veterans.

Most people today (unless they are gay or poor) have very little experience of death and dying. Death is part of life, faith should enable you to face it with peace, even though there is deep sadness and grief. With the help of hospice, the last week for both my mother and husband were not as hard as I was afraid it would be.

Aside from friends two important things helped me through these times. One was that I made it a point to eat and take supplements to help maintain my strength. I also studied and worked out a program of supernutrition for both my mother and my husband, so they remained mobile and in as little pain as possible. Mother, who had not been eating well, even improved a little after she came to me.

The other think I did was allow myself to cry as much as I needed to. When they were asleep I would go to another part of the house, put on sad music and cry for a long time. Sometimes I would say goodby over and over again. Sometimes, I would imagine the memorial service and say my farewell words and cry. I always felt stronger afterwards and better able to go on, or sleep at night.

Goodby and my your faith keep you strong.

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