ALMOST NOTHING GOOD TO SAY - ABOUT ANYBODY PART IX

The nearest the two parties have come to agreement is, the Democrats don’t want to fight wars and the Republicans don’t want to win them. The Republicans won’t take yes for an answer and the Democrats cannot resist the sweet smell of surrender.

This may be the right time to schedule a series of television debates between The Donald and Rosie. It could be called Trump versus Frump.

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villagairosa wanted to give the city of Los Angeles a Spanish name until he realized it already had one.

France’s new President Nikolas Sarkozy is offering the Muslims bribes to go back to their native country. How about we raise the ante and send them to another planet – preferably one in a more distant galaxy?

Let’s retire the term “hard-working” as it pertains to illegal aliens. It is a reliable assumption that there isn’t a native-born citizen in America who is complaining to his boss that he’s being “under-worked”.

It’s rumored that the sexually overheated and drug-saturated student body of Colorado’s Boulder High School will put on a production of My Fair Lady. The high point of the production will be Eliza Doolittle singing “The Cocaine in Spain Goes Mainly in the Vein”. Incidentally, Boulder High graduates can pick up their diplomas up at the nearest adult book store.

Bill O’Reilly says it would jam up the courts to try to deport 20 million aliens. How about we deport a million a week?

There is nothing wrong in the Bush White House that a full scale mutiny wouldn’t fix. It is increasingly apparent that only great men can govern but only morons can get elected to office.

The prison guards are running a pool to determine which one of them gets to frisk Paris Hilton. All things considered, America would be a better country with Paris Hilton in the Oval Office and Hillary Clinton in "the slammer".

Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky has decided to become the leader of the Senate’s Radical Middle. Conservatives can write him off as a friend.

There’s good news and bad news. The good news is there is still only one Geraldo Rivera. The bad news is he gets more like himself everyday.

The competing nominees, John Edwards and Hillary Clinton, may come down to a choice between The Breck Girl and The Dreck Girl.

If History has taught us anything it’s that behind every great man there’s a woman telling him he’s wrong.

Sociologists claim the Earth is becoming increasingly overcrowded and perverts in crowded elevators are loving every moment of it.

The real “surge” is not going into Iraq but coming in from Mexico. Plagues do not respect borders and neither do Mexicans. And, incidentally, how about labeling illegal aliens who do stoop laborers as immi-grunts?

Bill Clinton will be remembered as a guy who kisses a prostitute goodnight and goes home to a whore.

The Bush White House is trying to find a way to keep Jimmy Carter from getting off his leash. Jimmy Carter keeps telling Bush what to do about Iran, but when he was President he didn’t know the Shah from Shinola.

Environmentalists have attributed the fact that fish do not have feet to global warming. Ichthyologists say it is because they don’t want to step in anything.

It’s rumored the Reverend Al Sharpton is trying to choose between offers to become the Grand Mullah of The Mosque of Reform Sharia or the Voo Doo Deacon of the Church of Orthodox Mau Mau.

You know Bush’s compassion has gone over the top when his policies begin to form puddles.

Leonardo Di Caprio says the Apocalypse is coming – but not to his house. Fortunately, he lives in a gated community.

Republicans are reconciled that they will get no help from their people in Congress. Their only hope is getting through to Dr. Laura.

The trash coming out of Congress would offer a real challenge to Tony Soprano’s fleet of waste management trucks.

There is no discernible daylight between the political philosophies of Vladimir Iyich Lenin and Hillary Ilyich Clinton.

Had Bill Clinton known Bush had the power to defy the American people and turn the county into the United States of Mexico, he would have used his term in office to change the nation into The United States of Ethiopia.

Canada turns out more pedestrians than any other country – and manages to do it without affirmative action.

John McCain has become toast just in time to give toast a bad name. Americans will start eating their poached eggs on linoleum. McCain has taken more weird positions than the Swing Shift at a Las Vegas cathouse.

When they came to America, the Mafia learned to speak English. That’s why the Mafia became big time crooks and the Mexicans remain small time peons.

American businessmen consider China more than their market. It has become now their shrine.

The Bush Administration is like having a bone stuck in your throat for eight years. Having George Bush tell Americans we don’t understand the immigration problem is like having your grammar corrected by an illiterate.

It is time to find an antidote for George Bush’s compassion. He has compassion in the place where other people have hearts.

Five minutes in a room with Jesse Jackson would have made a racist out of Mother Theresa.

The Reagan Administration was a merciful breather from the recent string of traitors who occupied the Oval Office.

Statistical projection: If the Mexicans are given amnesty, the next census will reveal that busboys will outnumber homosexuals.

In a recent book about the Clinton marriage Bill wanted to divorce Hillary but settled for having her de-clawed.

Irrespective of the excesses of the bloggers and info-junkies, they are a vast improvement over the mainstream muckers.

The National Association of Gurus and Mystics have determined that the composition of the first O.J. jury was not karma – it was bigotry.

Inside every Hillary Clinton there’s a Zsa Zsa Gabor having a shit hemorrhage because the maitre d’ gave someone else her usual table.

Feminists have determined that Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart was a male chauvinist pig because the title The Magic Flute was a double entendre. Wolfgang, you sly devil! However, the feminists may have a point. Even Mrs. Mozart could sit through Cosi Fan Tutte just so many times.

The Israeli answer to indiscriminate bombing should be indiscriminate nuclear annihilating.

Every time Britney Spears spreads her legs getting out of a car there’s a chorus of parking attendants saying, “Been there. Seen that”.

My guess is Patrick Fitzgerald is a direct descendant of the guy who framed Edmund Dantes. Fitzgerald’s legal savvy is on a level somewhere between farce and flatulence.

After eight years of Bill Clinton how many countries are there in which life has become idyllic for blacks? Survey says “Zero”.

This late hour in history demands the unvarnished truth. The brains behind George Bush is Alan Colmes.

Are you ready? Homosexuals in prison are now entitled to receive same-sex conjugal visits. Inmates will no longer have to ask each other the tiresome question, “Your cell or mine?” Why not just turn San Quentin into a motel? For that matter why not turn the Holiday Inn into a chain of prisons?

Hillary has turned her back on the self-sufficient society in favor of universal dependency. Her campaign slogan should be “In weakness there is strength”.

The Arabs are not technologically backward. Remember, they were the first people on earth who discovered a way to grow more sand.

Now that Jack Kevorkian has been “sprung”, perhaps he will leave assisting the suicides of Muslims to the military under whose purview the job properly belongs.

Maybe we could make the immigration problem more manageable by having our embassies abroad issue exploding visas.

Katie Couric’s collapsed ratings indicates her CBS Evening News audience has OD’d on perk.

Americans haven’t much faith in Bush’s plan for the Nation’s security. People are starting to put something aside for a radioactive day.

There are signs that the Mexican invasion will get worse. American restaurants are beginning to serve rice and beans with a side order of rice and beans.

The Muslims regard Israel’s Ehud Olmert and the United States’ George Bush as a suicide pact made in Heaven.

There is some consolation in the fact that political correctness does not insulate the politically corrected from the contempt their political correctness invites.

The media has not yet done all the damage to the American people that it can. Their mission remains to keep picking at sores they’ve inflicted so that they cannot heal properly.

A Navy destroyer fired on a terrorist camp in Somalia. As a salute to Bill Clinton they were ordered to use their 5 inch gun – give or take an inch.

The GOP will not give their nomination to the best candidate. Republicans are famous for spitting in the face of their salvation.

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates won’t say whose winning the war on terror. I don’t know whose guess is better – his or mine. At least mine is available.

There is speculation whether Jane Fonda would show up at Hillary’s (God Forbid) Inaugural Ball wearing the same gown she wore to the Tet Offensive.

Lowered expectations: Some while back Louis Farrakhan demanded the black people should be given their own State in the Union. They settled for guest appearances on The Jeffersons.

Ten minutes inside a black church and Hillary sounded like she swallowed forty acres and a mule. In honor of Bill Clinton, his church is printing a special Bible that contains The Gospels according to Matthew, Mark, Luke and Pinocchio.

Our military should drop a few mosque buster bombs on Iran and Syria. They keep accusing America of being aggressors. As the expression goes, we might as well play the game as have the name.

Is there any truth to the rumor that couturiers will indulge in some racial pandering this fashion season by introducing a new color called “NBA Black”? Along those lines, Civil Rights leaders are floating the canard that if more Republicans are elected they will enact legislation to shrink the size of basketball hoops which will make minority super heroes look less super-heroic. (Presumably a slam dunk would then be called a slim dink.)

There’s an aphrodisiac coming on the market called “Tax Hike”. The name alone is enough to start Hillary rubbing her lap against the furniture.

Ireland’s trend toward socialism may be a sign of creeping abstinence. If that’s what happens when the Irish taper off, they ought to consider tapering back on.

The Democrats are taking a hard look at education and will adopt the slogan “Don’t raise the bridge – lower the standards”.

Somebody was sure taking his grumpy pills.

And I thought I was something of a curmudgeon.

Los Angeles means something in Spanish? I didn’t know.

2 posted on 06/06/2007 8:53:30 PM PDT by alloysteel (Choose carefully the hill you would die upon. For if you win, the view is magnificent.)

I’m ready for a remake of “Mars Attacks”. I want George Bush to play himself.

The full name is El Pueblo de la Reina de Los Angeles or The Town of the Queen of the Angels.

This guy makes a lot of valid & funny points...

5 posted on 06/07/2007 12:49:46 AM PDT by 2ndDivisionVet (Fred Thompson/John Bolton 2008)

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