Announcer: Todd is a part time employee at Petco. Bruce is a much-in-demand interior designer. They are here today in Gay Divorce Court to bring an end to their three month marriage amidst allegations of infidelity, heavy drug abuse and verbal assaults. Let’s join the court now as Judge Baxter Brownbutter adjudicates this painful breakup.
Todd: “….we were madly in love and I thought we’d be together for a lifetime. That all changed when my rectum prolapsed. Suddenly the magic was gone and the abuse began…”
Bruce: “Your honor, I wasn’t the one who caused his love bucket to fall out. That happened at a three day beach party when he decided to take on Lubricia, the lesbian dominatrix and her 12 inch strap-on.”
Judge Brownbutter: “Quiet you. You’ll have your turn in a minute. Go ahead Todd dear. You’re already at a grand a month. Love the sailor suit.”
And so on…..
Cue Theme Music
Announcer: In today’s episode of Gay Divorce Court, a lesbian couple from San Francisco, California comes before Judge Yolanda Sans Spermatozoa to put an end to their six month marriage amid allegations of mental cruelty, false imprisonment and emotional distress.
Marie Ball-Bustier has filed for divorce from her long time lover and short time spouse, Vaginitia Lackluster, claiming among other things that Ms. Lackluster has tried to impregnate her against her will and has taken to locking her in the car on family outings. Let’s now join the court as Judge Sans Spermatozoa solicits testimony in this emotional case.
Marie: Your honor, I’m a feminist/lesbian and I object to any intrusion into my bodily orifices because of my conviction that all heterosexual behavior is rape perpetrated by a patreo/judaeo/christo/mohammedo/capitalo societal framework embossed onto our collective consciousness by Republicans and their archetypical co-religionists.
So you can imagine my surprise when Vaginitia attempted to impregnate me with a commercial grade turkey baster and the sperm of a man whom I consider to be a psycho-historical revisionist.
Vaginitia: Your honor, for years I complied with Marie’s wishes concerning her physical apprehensions but now that we’re married I feel that I have a right to offspring. Since Marie’s my wife, I feel it’s her obligation to give me children…
Marie: I’m NOT the wife!
Vaginitia: You’re the wife…
Marie: NOT!!
Judge Sans Spermatozoa: Womyn, please! Since this is a new area of the law and we’re just making it up anyway, I feel that I have the discretionary latitude to assign roles in these matters. Ms. Ball-Bustier, you’re the wife…
Marie: NOT!!
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Cut to Commercial
Announcer: As Judge Sans Spermatozoa weighs in on this important aspect of gay marriage law, let's briefly hear from one of our fine sponsors.
Cut to interior of law office
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Do you long for the days when you could attend an innocent knothole party without having to come home to a spouse in a jealous rage?
If you're tired of getting your meat beat and it's time to beat feet call the law offices of Rimley, Brown and B'Lome at 263-555-HOMO. We can help...for a fee.
Remember, that's Rimley, Brown and B'Lome, 263-555-HOMO. Specializing in gay marriage law since early 2004.
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Announcer: And now back to Gay Divorce Court...