[New Jersey Realist]

Thank you for your comment (post #4). I always felt guilty about pulling the feeding tube on my dying mother (brain cancer) but it was the most humane thing I could do. I know she’s in heaven thanking me.

[Secret Agent Man]

If your mom was terminal and in the process of dying, you were just letting the natural death process occur. As long as pain is managed and you know she’s saved, there’s nothing else you can do.

[Mrs. Don-o]

Why did you share rhis story about your mother? Was it for affirmation? And why did you feel guilty? Was it because you thought you did something wrong?

If a person can no longer assimilate food (because their processes of digestion and absorption have shut down), or if feeding provides negligible nutritive benefit, but causes severe discomfort and pain (nausea, vomiting, infection or abcesses at the point of tube entry, risk of aspiration/suffocation) and death from an underlying cause is in any case imminent-- in these cases, futile, burdensome attempts to provide nutrients can be discontinued.

If such was your mother's case, then you had no need to continue attempted feeding, and you ought not to feel guilty.

Because I don't know anything about your mother's condition, that's all I have to say. I hope you may be at peace.

[brytlea]

We live with whatever decisions we make. It’s unfortunate that medical science has come to the point where we, in effect, play God. My Mom’s in heaven too. I miss her, but I’m not sure what she’s in Heaven thinking. Eventually I’ll get to see her again, that’s all I really know. I’m sorry you lost your Mom. Mine had kidney cancer, but cancer of all types is pretty horrible.

[Mrs. Don-o]

I can sense the dread that's part of the experience of accompanying, and making decisions for, a dying loved one. I will keep you in my prayers.

Here's something that may be very useful for you. The Robert Powell Center for Medical Ethics put out this model "advance directive" (Living Will) document: they call theirs a "Will to Live".

Will to Live - Model Document (Link)

It's a legal statement they have prepared to be in conformity to state laws in every state. You can modify it to include your own particular preferences. But the basic intent is to make explicit three essential rights:

• the right to refuse treatments which are futile and burdensome

• the right to receive palliative care in the case of terminal illness, including nutrition/dydration, hygienic and comfort care, effective pain management, etc., and

• the right to have care and treatment decisions made by one's self or one's designated proxy.

You may already have a document like this, but I think it's still worthwhile to read and compare. I think the "Will to Live" strikes just the right balance between over-treatment on one hand and under-treatment on the other, and includes nutrition/hydration as a form of "ordinary care" that should not be terminated unless it has become futile, i.e. the dying person's body can no longer tolerate it.

My father chose this "Will to Live" as his official advance document (I had Medical Power of Attorney), and I have signed one for myself. It gave me confidence and peace that I was making the right decisions.