Posted on 07/25/2016 6:45:30 AM PDT by Iron Munro
A week ago I felt good about America but no more. Coyotes are running freely in the streets of our big cities, the stock market is teetering on the verge of collapse, the monetary system will soon go belly-up, China and North Korea and Iran have a knife to our throats, our schools are in chaos, politicians corrupt, the media stupefied by political correctness, and everywhere you look you hear foreign accents. We are on the edge of the abyss.
At my house, we've begun fortifying the basement walls with sandbags and laying in barrels of fresh water and K-rations. We refuse to be at the mercy of the government when liberals decide to shut down the water supply.
We have purchased flame-throwers that are much more effective than firearms and we have enough napalm to fight off platoons of invaders, plus the attic holds four tons of dynamite that is wired to a single switch in the refrigerator: When we go, we'll take the whole neighborhood with us. We've cashed in our bonds and put some of the money in coffee cans and buried them in the yard and the rest we've invested in precious agates, which is the only truly safe place to put your money these days. The American Board of Agates in Waco, Texas, has a brochure that will knock your socks off.
Of course, none of this information appears in the mainstream press and you can be sure that no newspaper dares to print what I'm telling you now. The greatest nation in the world is about to collapse like a paper parasol in a hurricane unless Donald J. Trump is elected president and given the power to turn things around.
I am a lifelong Democrat, or was until I watched the Republican National Convention and the darkness became visible and the pieces clicked into place and suddenly everything made sense. This is scriptural prophecy come to life, the seven-headed beast, the whore of Babylon, the woman with snakes coming out of her head, all of it. It's here. Now.
"What can I do to protect my family from the holocaust of a hostile Hillary takeover?" you ask. "Or should we fly to Singapore while our retirement fund is still worth something?"
That is up to you. But if you choose to stay and fight, I can train you in the most effective technique of persuasion yet devised, developed by Hopi medicine men centuries ago and used by Navy SEALs, now Top Secret and so I am exposing myself to felony indictment by the very mention of the name "Hopi hypnosis," or Hopnosis, and could be sent to prison for up to 25 years, but I don't care. A man must do what a man must do.
I can send you a 35-minute video on a DVD that will teach you how to employ this technique for $47.95 plus $13.50 handling and postage.
The technique involves (1) breath control, (2) steady eye contact, and (3) the silent mental repetition of a code word that carries the hypnotic power. It's as simple as that.
I have used Hopnosis to talk a used car salesman into selling me a 2010 Honda Accord for half of list price, make my teenage daughter turn over her iPhone and go to her room, and convince my wife that the Chinese bombed Pearl Harbor in 1941. And I have persuaded 75 friends who are Democrats to vote Republican in the fall. In three days.
If each of us changed 150 minds every six days between now and November, the country can be saved. Either we use this technique or we surrender to the enemy and leave with our tails between our legs.
"Prove it," you say. "Tell us the code word that gives us the power to reverse the rational thinking of another person.
I can't tell you that, of course. I can only tell you that it's a five-letter word that begins with L and ends with R. "Lover"? Close, but no cigar. Send now. The supply is limited. If you are not completely satisfied with the DVD, you may return it within 30 days for a 100 percent refund — I keep only the $13.50 postage and handling. And because our national currency will likely be in free fall, the refund will come to you in the form of a precious agate worth many times the list price.
"TRUMP IS DARK AND SCARY!!!"
He inadvertently describes how we felt when Obama was elected.
And how we feel about the possibility of Hillary being elected.
P.S. - Was it only an election or two ago that democrats were bragging about their mastery of computers and the digital world?
Now from Hillary's home-made server down to the rotting guts of the DNC we find they don't even have sense enough to handle eMails in a safe and sane manner!
I thought that pinko died years ago.
Didn’t know he was still around.
I bought the set. The word is “Liver”.
He’s coming to the MN State Fair next month as part of his farewell tour. I was offered a free ticket. My response was short and not so sweet.
Christianity rotted down to a bunch of self-willed philosophy tends to DO that.
Real believers know when to be stern, and when to be soft. But all soft all the time doesn’t work in this sinful world.
Gosh that Garrison Keillor is so down-home and folksy.
Just like an outhouse.
And just as full of crap.
You could have been magnanimous in wishing him a farewell!
The Legend in His own mind Garrison Keeler. He’d give himself a Pulitzer if he could. Met the guy once, total tool. Yes, an elbow patches, pipe smoking, low-T, assw*pe. Makes me hate people from the Upper Midwest even more. American Liberalism is an outlet for pus*y men to get access to the mainstream. To steal a 90’s meme from Rush
I have used Hopnosis to … convince my wife that the Chinese bombed Pearl Harbor in 1941. …How vile of him. Everyone knows it was the Germans.
Barack Obama beat him with Hopenosis, under which much of America is still staggering. Problem was, it was a hope in something that was powerless to bring salvation.
Aww. Isn’t this cute and funny. Folksy Garrison is writing ironic satire about how he is pretending to see the light and support Trump.
The real ironic satire is that a lifelong Dem hack who makes a very good living pretending to be a folksy middle-America dutifully falls into line to support Goldman Sachs’ candidate.
That’s all right. Trump is trying to appeal to the three-quarters of the nation that believe we are on the wrong track. They are more likely to be offended by mockery of their concerns than convinced by it.
“You could have been magnanimous in wishing him a farewell!”
I don’t wish him to fare well. I wish him to be punished appropriately for his part in deceiving the stupid into voting demonrat.
If we all got punished for our part in various evils as we deserve, we’d all be in hell. Nobody is wearing an earned halo in this world.
Ha ha.
Any of these predictions sound familiar?
"Women will be forced to perform their own abortions in alleys with clothes hangers."
"Children will starve."
"Old people will be pushed off cliffs in their wheelchairs."
"The worst economy since The Great Depression."
"Senior Citizens will have decide whether to buy medication or dog food."
I could go on and on but you get the idea, don't you, Garrison, you lying, forked-tongue, two-faced hypocrite crybaby Libturd.
Gonna be a lot more mandolin on Companion starting in September.
lol. Thats so funny.
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