(Well actually I didn't make this, the deli around the corner did. But who gives a sh!t? Have another beer.)
Posted on 12/07/2001 12:42:07 AM PST by DCBurgess58
Captain Blood was a successful pirate, sailing the Indian ocean in search of Spanish merchant ships to plunder.
Many a Spanish ship, loaded with gold from the new world, was looted sent home empty to the anger and dismay of the Spaniards.
Every time a Spanish merchantman was sighted, Captain Blood would call out "bring me my crimson jacket" and would ceremoniously don the jacket and then personally lead the boarding party onto the hapless ship.
One day the first mate asked the captain "why do you always call for your crimson jacket before we plunder the Spanish?"
Captain Blood looked somberly at his first mate and replied "If I am wounded the blood will not show on a crimson jacket and the men will fight fearlessly, thinking that I am indestructable."
The next week Captain Blood sailed into a Spanish trap and suddenly found his ship surrounded by a dozen or more Spanish Man O' War's.
Boldly he called out "Bring me my brown trousers."
An old man was laying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when he suddenly smelled chocolate chip cookies.
He loved chocolate chip cookies more than anything else in the world.
With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, and to the stairs. Then down the stairs and into the kitchen.
There his wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. As he reached for one, he got SMACKED across the back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was holding.
"Leave them alone!" she said, "They're for the funeral!"
FRUITCAKE RECIPE
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 tsp. baking soda
1 tsp. salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality.
Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 tsp. sugar and beat again.
Turn off the mixer.
Break two eggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the dried fruit gets stuck on the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for consisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who likes fruitcake anyway?
Ever notice nobody plunders anymore?
A few years back while searching for some suitable vocation to create a second income I looked into the fasinating field of "Plunder!"
After much discussion with accountants, lawyers, and business associates, and extensive creation of business plans and flow charts, my wife put a stop to the whole enterprise when she pointed out "Pirates do not have Beer Bellies..."
Hillarys next book titles could be "It takes a village to pillage" or "Plunder Woman"
(Well actually I didn't make this, the deli around the corner did. But who gives a sh!t? Have another beer.)
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