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[Apolitical]

THE ICONOCLAST
LATEST SATIRICAL NEWS IN DEPTH.....

MARS CORPORATION ENTERS ADULT CANDY MARKET

By William Grim




New York -- In a controversial move designed to garner greater market share and boost a sagging bottom line, the Mars Corporation, best known for its flagship Mars Bar, has purchased the Super Dickmann line of candies from its German owners. As a result of this purchase, as of February 1st the family-oriented Mars Corporation will become the world's largest purveyor of adult candies.

Hubert "Skippy" Mars, CEO of the company founded by his great-great grandfather, was unapologetic about the company's move into erotic sweets. "We feel that the phallic-shaped, creamy-centered Super Dickmann is a natural for the Mars Corporation. As our target demographic ages, it's only natural that our brand of high quality treats matures as well. When you bite into a Super Dickmann you're not only getting nourishment from vitamins and natural ingredients, you're also making a statement that candy can be naughty as well as nice. And at the Mars Corporation, we call that a win-win situation for all involved."

Comic book legend Stan Lee, creator of Spider Man and the Fantastic Four, has purchased the rights to create a series of Super Dickmann graphic novels for Marvel Comics. A Super Dickmann movie is also in the works starring Arnold Schwarzenegger in the title role with Vanessa del Rio portraying Super Dickmann's love interest.
Broken Newz, © Copyright 2002 Broken Newz. All rights reserved.

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LAWMAKERS CALL FOR SNACK FOOD CZAR

By Marni Soupcoff


A joint House and Senate snack food committee found that Americans "do not fully exploit" the wide variety of snack foods available to them.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The President needs a cabinet-level National Snack Food Adviser to ensure that American consumers munch on as wide a range of potato chips, crackers, pretzels, and other between-meal snacks as possible, lawmakers said Wednesday in a long-awaited report on Americans' snacking habits. The final report by a joint House and Senate snack food committee also leveled fresh criticism at certain snack food manufacturers, including the makers of Smartfood popcorn which the committee insists leaves most people dumb as a brick, saying that many snackfood names are deceiving and hard to pronounce, causing helpless consumers confusion in making a choice and, therefore, lost snacking time.

At a news conference to publicize the main conclusions of the report, Sen. Bob Graham, D-Fla., said the call for creation of a new cabinet-level position to oversee nation-wide snack food consumption was the most important suggestion resulting from the long study by the joint congressional committee. "What with Chipitos and Tostitos and Doritos and Taquitos, selecting the appropriate tortilla chips alone is a confusing ordeal. You can't expect people to figure this out on their own," he said, referring to the need for one centralized federal department to assess and categorize the manifold snack food options available to consumers.

The hard-hitting snack food report makes fifteen recommendations in total, many involving laws requiring Taco Bell franchises to make prescription-strength antacids more accessible to their customers. It also calls for an investigation of possible links between consumption of large quantities of Chex party mix and suicidal tendencies. And the report also suggests a congressional investigation into the question of why as Twinkies continue to shrink in size, Americans grow more and more obese.

The report did not endorse consumption of any one particular snack food. But it said that certain snack foods, such as corn chips and Bugles, have not received the attention they deserve after becoming passé in the current era of chips and salsa.

"We cannot overlook the Fritos," Senator Graham emotionally told assembled reporters.

For more of the wry writings of Marni Soupcoff, check out Marni's World

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IBN SAUD "BOOM-BOOM" AL FARABI CALLED UP FROM MINORS

By William Grim




GAZA STRIP -- It's been an injury-plagued season in Professional Suicide Bombing as teams in both the Al Qaeda and Al Fatah leagues have seen their injured reserve lists fill up faster than Shiites scarifing down sushi at the after-Ramadan buffet. Earlier today the Gaza Strip Blasting Caps called up rookie southpaw Ibn Saud "Boom-Boom" Al Farabi from their AAA farm team, the San Francisco Bay Bombers.

The Blasting Caps' manager, Sparky bin Sulieman, was excited about the highly touted rookie's prospects in the big leagues. "Yeah, Boom-Boom's been getting a lot of playing time in San Francisco," said bin Sulieman from the Blasting Caps' bunker. "The kid's got a good eye and he's fast as all get out. His Earned Bombing Average is an impressive 1.3 and he's bombed safely in his last 15 games. Not only that, but he's bombed doubles in 12 of his last 17 at-bombs. We're gonna use Boom-Boom at left field, because let's face it, in Professional Suicide Bombing, everyone's out in left field."

Critics, however, charge that Al Farabi's stats are inflated because the Blasting Caps are in the Al Qaeda League that permits the use of the designated bomber.

"That's a bunch of hogwash," bin Sulieman retorted when told of the criticism. "It's just blasphemous lies told by jealous Zionists who have no appreciation for the game."

In related news, Nike announced that it has just signed convicted shoe bomber Richard Reid to a $40 million, ten-year endorsement contract for the Air Al-Qaeda Hollow-Point Athletic Shoe.
Broken Newz, © Copyright 2002 Broken Newz. All rights reserved.

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BELTWAY SNIPERS TO STAR IN NEW FOX REALITY SERIES: 'DOIN' TIME'

By Marni-Rebecca Malarkey




The agent for accused "Beltway snipers" John Allen Mohammed and John Lee Malvo has announced that the infamous duo will star in a new FOX-TV reality series called Doin' Time. The show has already started filming, according to Michael Aldooanythingfermunny, the agent who signed the two psychos on as clients shortly after their arrest in late October.

"We're going to follow them through the justice system," he said at a press conference yesterday, "starting with pre-trial motions and preliminary hearings. And it won't just be the in-court stuff. I mean, you can get that on CourtTV. It's only on Doin' Time that you'll be able to get 24-hour coverage of the tawdry goings on in this country's prisons. Yes, we're talking mealtime, celltime and showertime. If you want to see who gets to call John Allen Mohammed his own personal 'bitch,' well, you can only get that on our show, and we're proud of it."

Asked what would happen if the two were acquitted, Aldooanythingfermunny chuckled and said: "Ain't gonna happen! Are you kidding? I would never have signed them on if I thought there was a hope in hell of that. I mean, I first had this idea when OJ was on trial seven years ago, but I just knew he was going to walk, even if he was guilty. And anyway, if the unthinkable did happen, we'd still have that all-important shower footage from the snipers's pre-trial days. Look, a few weeks of sleaze is better than nothing, even if it's not as good as decades of sleaze."

A spokesman for FOX insisted that the motivations behind the show are educational, not financial. "This is a real opportunity for Americans to learn about their prison system. We see great educational possibilities for this show -- for example, selling it to schools and universities. We couldn't care less about ratings or money."

Mohammed and Malvo are said to be looking forward to the show; and both, according to their agent, are planning to use it to expand their career horizons. Apparently, during the time they spent together driving cross country and killing people, they worked up a comedy and singing act "to pass the time between murders."

Added the FOX spokesman, "Just wait till you hear their rendition of 'Me and My Shadow.'"

Should the pair be executed for their crimes, their agent says he has another idea: Pay Per View coverage. Echoing the FOX spokesman, he said that "it wouldn't be a cheap, sensationalistic ratings ploy. It would only be to educate"..............

[Apolitical]

Timely news as it was meant to be.

[yoe]

Ye Gads! A snack foods Czar? Hopefully that will go the way of Low Flow toilets and showers that use twice as much water to get the stuff out to the septic and the soap out of your hair! I'll eat what I want; when I want and smoke if I please...it is my choice in this Land Of The Free!

[Coto]

To 'Follow-Up' on that first item....: Marvel Comics to unveil gay gunslinger

NEW YORK (CNN) --Marvel Comics plans to break new ground in the comic book industry by introducing the first openly gay title character in a comic book.

The character will appear in a revival of the 1950s title, "The Rawhide Kid." Marvel expects a February debut.

The new series pairs the original artist, John Severin, now 86, with Ron Zimmerman, a writer for the "Howard Stern Show."

The Rawhide Kid has been a Marvel character since the 1950s both as a main and a secondary character. However, it was not until Zimmerman approached Marvel with his idea of a homosexual Rawhide Kid that sexuality was mentioned in the discussion of the character.

Although shy with girls, the original Rawhide Kid was not intended to be gay. The new version uses double entendres and euphemisms to reveal his homosexuality without saying anything explicitly. Based on a blurb on Marvel's Web site, the tone may be campy.

In a bubble in the first edition of the series, Rawhide Kid comments about the Lone Ranger: "I think that mask and the powder blue outfit are fantastic. I can certainly see why the Indian follows him around."

Brian Reinert, Marvel's public relations officer, said that Marvel has always been "interested in tapping into stories that are relevant today." He expects the reactions to this comic to vary.

Although many readers will accept the new sexuality of the Marvel hero, Reinert expects possible negative responses from people who don't accept homosexuality and readers who do not want to see a change in their beloved character.

"When you tackle these issues it will always push buttons," he said.

Marvel is planning six stories over the next six months. After looking at the response to those issues they will decide whether to continue production and whether they would be interested in more series with gay title characters.

Although Rawhide Kid is the first gay title character, Marvel does have several existing gay characters, such as North Star of the "X-Men" comic book series.

The Rawhide Kid series, beginning with the first edition "Rawhide Kid: Slap Leather," will run about 22 pages and have a suggested retail price of $2.95.

[Fiddlstix]

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