By William Grim
(Grove City, Ohio) -- School officials in this suburban high school were informed today that members of the school's French Club have officially surrendered to the suburban high school's German Club.
"We felt it was the only thing we could do under the circumstances," said Mme. LaForge, who has taught sophomore French at Grove City HS since 1985 and is the newly-dubbed Vichy Club's advisor. "The boys in the German Club were threatening to pull down all the posters of the Eiffel Tower on the walls of the French classroom."
Herr Gruber, advisor to the German Club, scoffed at Mme. LaForge's assertions. "They are the whimperings of an inferior race who speak a language full of irregular verbs and idioms. In German, everything is standardized. Eine Reich! Ein Volk! Eine Grammatik!"
Dr. Sidney Biddlestreet, Superintendent of Schools for Grove City, declined to comment citing confidentiality laws and not really knowing what was going on at the high school.
Although details are sketchy at this point, Mme. LaForge did state in a communiqué that all French students will be closely collaborating with the German Club and that all non-Aryan students will be banned from taking French and going on the field trip to Paris during Spring Break.
AUTHORITIES PONDER TRANSFORMING FORMER NEVADA BROTHEL INTO BRANCH OF CLINTON LIBRARY
By Marni-Rebecca Malarkey
RENO, NEVADA -- According to informed sources, a precedent-setting idea is being floated around The Bureau of Land Management in Nevada. Recently, the agency assumed ownership of the infamous Mustang Ranch brothel and began seeking ideas on what to do with the prime riverfront property. The property, 15 miles east of Reno, was forfeited to the federal government in 1999 after guilty verdicts against the bordello's parent companies and manager in a federal fraud and racketeering trial. The women who worked there were evicted and the brothel was padlocked.
Federal officials say there's no chance the property will be used for prostitution in the future, but many other uses are under study, including a new role for the former brothel as a branch of the Clinton Library.
Several local historians have criticized the proposal, arguing that associating the popular Mustang Ranch brothel with Bill Clinton will sully the historical brothel's reputation. However, Clinton loyalists have rushed to defend the oddball scheme.
"I know, I know, " said the former president's former secretary Betty Currie. "It seems odd that a property in Nevada will become part of a museum based in Arkansas, but think about it. A brothel! Tax problems! Fraudulent behaviour! Racketeering! Unseemly comportment all around! A disgrace to our country! What could be a more fitting addition to the Clinton legacy?"
Authorities will not confirm whether Bill Clinton was a customer at the Mustang Ranch.
GERMANY HAS TROUBLE LOCATING JEWS TO BLAME FOR ECONOMIC WOES
By William Grim
BERLIN -- Speaking after an emergency meeting of his cabinet, German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder said that his government is having a great deal of difficulty locating Jews to blame for the recession that the German economy is currently experiencing.
A plan for economic revival devised by the German Council of Economic Advisors called "Operation Scapegoat" has had to be put on hold until sufficient numbers of Jews in Germany can be found.
Warning that the current Jew shortage has reached crisis proportions, Chancellor Schroeder told this reporter that his government is planning on offering cash incentives to German Catholics and Lutherans to convert to Judaism so that they can be blamed for the recession.
When asked if his government would ever consider lowering Germany's extremely high taxes in order to jump start the economy, Schroeder sneered and replied, "That's a typical simplistic American solution. We Germans are going to stick with blaming an innocent minority group for all of our problems. You know what they say -- you dance with the one what brung ya."
In related news, German Minister of Immigration Horst Himmler announced today a new marketing campaign designed to attract Jews in Israel to return to Germany so that they can be expelled again. Ads for the Germany--The Land Everyone Loves to Hate! ad campaign will start appearing in print and on TV during the February sweeps.......
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