Megilla (Purim Story) of Saddam

1. And it was in the days of Saddam Hussein of Iraq, who might have been the ruler of 127 villages, from Baghdad to Basra, were it not for the fact the he burned and gassed many of them, including a particularly devastating mustard gas attack on the Kurdish village of Halabja in 1988.

2. Now it happened that Saddam’s mistress of thirty years, Parisoula Lampsos, granted an interview to Claire Shipman of ABC news. She related, among other things, that Saddam loved watching The Godfather, listening to "Strangers in the Night" by Frank Sinatra, and watching videos of his enemies being tortured. When Matt Drudge broke the story of the ABC interview, Saddam was very upset. After consulting with his advisors, he retained the services of a hit squad to deal with Ms. Lampsos.

3. One night, sleep eluded President George W. Bush of America, so he ordered that the record book, the chronicles, be brought and read before him. There it was found recorded the account of a disrupted car-bomb plot against his father, George Bush Senior, during a visit to Kuwait in April 1993. The plot had been traced back to Saddam Hussein. When the President heard that Saddam had never been repaid, he asked his advisor, Donald Rumsfeld, “What should be done for the man who messes with the President’s honor?” Rummy suggested “Regime Change.”

4. Immediately thereafter, President Bush turned to the United Nations for help in bringing Saddam Hussein to justice. “Who knows,” said the President, imploring Kofi Annan to take decisive action, “whether it was just for such a time as this that you attained the royal position.” So Kofi called a banquet, otherwise known as a meeting of the United Nations Security Council, to which he invited Mohammad Al-Douri, Iraq’s representative to the United Nations. He intended to use the banquet to expose Iraq as a corrupt dictatorial regime. But at the last minute, Kofi chickened, and instead of announcing that Iraq is in material breach of resolution 1441, he called for more time, and for many more banquets!

5. Needless to say, President Bush was furious with the United Nations, which he had long supported as if it were a needy relative. He called Kofi Annan and told him explicitly, “If you persist in keeping silent at a time like this, relief and deliverance will come from some other place, while you and your house of lies will perish.”

6. Next, in preparing to make some difficult decisions, President Bush, a man of strong faith, offered up a prayer for success in his coming mission. “I pray for guidance and wisdom and strength,” the President explained when asked how his faith was guiding him through these deliberations, “and I pray for peace.”

7. In preparing the world for war, President Bush delivered a National Address. “The United Nations Security Council has not lived up to its responsibilities,” he announced defiantly, “so we will rise to ours.” The President explained the need for war, when he stated, “There is a certain people abroad, whose laws are different from our own Democratic ways, a rogue regime directed by lawless men, who construct poison factories and torture chambers.” In closing, he promised the people of Iraq that, ”the day of your liberation is near.”

8. On the first night of a US led war on Iraq, a 21,000-pound MOAB bomb penetrated the bunker where Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein was hiding, killing him, along with sons Uday and Kusay. Befittingly, the MOAB, which stands for Massive Ordinance Air Blast, also symbolizes another brutal dictator, Balak son of Zippor, who, as king of Moab, tried unsuccessfully to coordinate the destruction of the Jewish people.

9. “In every province, and in every city, where news of Iraq’s liberation reached, the populace had gladness and joy, a feast and a holiday!”

10. In the direct aftermath of the war, which lasted approximately forty-two minutes, the markets rebounded and the recession receded. A short time thereafter, Al Qaida was defeated.

Here's another one:

THE ONLINE MEGILLA

And it was in the days of Achashveirosh, that is, Achashveirosh who was the administrator of 127 SITES, from www.hodu.com to www.kush.com. In the 3rd year of his administration, Achashveirosh made a feast for AOL. Those on his BUDDY LIST he wined and dined with every luxury. His wife, Vashti, made a feast as well, @ which time her hubby commanded her to come show off her beauty to all his drunk cronies. She refused, and lost her for it. Soon after, Achashveirosh regretted killing his wife, and forwarded e-mails and BROWSED ISO-sites worldwide in search of the prettiest maiden for him to marry. At long last, Esther was found and crowned. Naturally, they posted their picture on onlysimchas.

Mordechai, Esther's uncle, got hold of the FAX that Bigson and Seresh, two malicious HACKERS, were AIMing a VIRUS at Achashveirosh's SERVER. Esther immediately alerted Achashveirosh, and the episode was SAVED and ARCHIVED.

At this time, Haman the anti-Semite was given a raise, and everyone had to bow down to him. Only Mordechai refused to do so, because Haman wore an ICON around his neck; this angered Haman and made him want to RAM all the Jews’ heads in! Haman convince Achashveirosh to BACK him UP by offering him some CACHE and by telling him, "C D Jews are disloyal citizens" yada yada; so Achashveirosh gave Haman his PASSWORD and told him to use his administrative privileges as he saw fit. Haman was so excited ("YAHOO!") that he LOGGED IN right away and e-mailed everyone he knew, telling them kDOS uk'din to DELETE every last Jew on the INTERFACE of this earth. He even set aside a specific DATA kill them.

Mordechai the JUNO-d what was going on, so he put on his torn BOOTs, rags, and ashes, and called a fast day of prayer (of course, telling them to make sure to say each WORDPERFECTly). He also told the Jews to NETWORK for the next three days and concentrate on arousing Hashem's pity. Last, he sent an INSTANT MESSENGER to tell Esther to beg Achashveirosh to reconsider his decision.

So Esther went to Achashveirosh and gave him and Haman a BUDDY CHAT INVITATION. At the party, Achashveirosh offered her up to half his administration, but Esther simply invited him to another party the following day to chap arein another few BYTES.

That night, Haman built a gallows on which to hang Mordechai, because he was so annoyed that the latter didn’t bow down to him.

Simultaneously, Achashveirosh realized he just SCAN’t sleep, so he asked his servants to DOWNLOAD all his ARCHIVES and see if anyone that deserved a reward didn’t get it. They noticed Mordechai’s HOME PAGE, and Achashveirosh resolved to take action that very night.

Well, Haman was at the door then to get PERMISSIONS SET to hang Mordechai, so Achashveirosh asked him what to do to honor someone. Haman, thinking it was surely himself being referred to, said that the person in question should be led through the streets on Achashveirosh’s TROJAN HORSE- wearing Achashveirosh's best garments. Achashveirosh, without even bLINKING, said, ".COM on, hurry up and do ctrl-alt-delete that for Mordechai!” Needless to say, Haman FROZE.

So Haman had no choice but to go ahead with it, and while he was leading Mordechai through the streets, his daughter thought that it was Mordechai leading her father so she dumped the RECYCLE BIN out the WINDOWS on Haman’s head. When he got home and repeated all this to his wife, she told him “Since that acCURSORed Mordechai is a Jew, UNIXed it. Your downfall has just begun.”

Haman didn’t even have time to elaborate because he was summoned to Esther’s party, stinKEY as he was from the whole ordeal. And Esther had in the PALM of her hands: she told Achashveirosh that Haman was planning to kill her and her whole nation. Achashveirosh got so mad that he ordered Haman and his ten sons to be hung on the tree that Haman had prepared for Mordechai. The Jews were SAVED, and Achashveirosh even allowed the Jews to kill whoever tried to kill them on the date that Haman set aside.

So the Jews lived happily ever after; what the Jews XPected to be a tragedy turned into a day of great joy.

So every year we try to UPGRADE all jews MISSING RAM and FORWARD THIS EMAIL TO EVERYONE IN YOU ADDRESS BOOK!

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