By Marni Soupcoff
AQABA, Jordan -- At a milestone summit capping a two-day visit to the area by President Bush, the Prime Ministers of Israel and the Palestinian Authority stated Wednesday that they had found one matter upon which they could agree completely: Martha Stewart.
Both leaders stated without reservation that they were of one mind about the appropriateness of an American grand jury's indictement of Martha Stewart on insider trading charges.
"That cold-hearted kitchen Nazi had it coming," Sharon said.
"I couldn't have said it better myself," Abbas agreed. "And I hate her asparagus panzanella."
"You too?" Sharon exclaimed, obviously pleased to find a further area of common ground.
The two prime ministers' announcement disappointed some observers, who had hoped for agreement on more relevant issues, such as whether Israel should uproot unauthorized settlements in the West Bank,or whether the Palestinians should vow to end terrorist attacks on Israeli civilians.
However, the leaders themselves appeared optimistic. And President Bush called the summit a "new opportunity of hope" between Israelis and Palestinians. "Discovering a shared irrational hatred of Martha Stewart and her cooking could be just what was needed to bring these divided peoples together."
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HILLARY THOUGHT KILLING BILL MIGHT HURT HER SENATE BID
By Scott Ott
NEW YORK CITY-- Former First Lady Hillary Clinton's new book claims she wanted to "wring Bill's neck" when she learned her husband had lied to her about "inappropriate intimacy" with a White House intern. However, she decided not to murder the President of the United States, because it might distract from her long-term plans to run for the Senate.
Courtesy Scrappleface, © Copyright 2003 Scrappleface. All rights reserved.
OZZY OSBOURNE SPEAKS OUT AGAINST THE U.S. INVASION OF GRENADA
By Marni-Rebecca Malarkey
NEW YORK -- Rocker and reality television icon Ozzy Osbourne has joined the ranks of celebrity foreign policy analysts with passionate comments he made today criticizing the US invasion of Grenada. Osbourne told an "Entertainment Tonight" correspondent that the President was "overstepping his boundaries" by using the alleged threat to US students on the Caribbean island as an excuse to eliminate Grenada's Marxist regime. "The lives of 19 US soldiers were not worth toppling that government, even if it did have strong ties to Cuba," said Osbourne.
Informed that "the President" in question has not been in office for 15 years, that the current president is George W. Bush, that there have been "a few wars" since the intervention in Grenada and that said intervention took place some 20 years ago, Osbourne commented that "Ah wworrent acken bleuurrenn very good newszzinc dane and time".....
