Terrorist Group Peeved That Coronavirus Wreaking More Havoc
And Causing More Damage Than Fundamentalist Sleeper Cells
KABUL -- Members of al-Qaida have declared a holy war on SARS, saying the contagious respiratory illness is stealing their thunder by posing a more serious terror threat to the United States than al-Qaida strikes.
The jihad, issued Thursday by senior members of al-Qaida who say they'd currently get more attention coughing in crowded subway cars than they would bombing embassies, is aimed at eliminating SARS and turning the West's attention back to the threat of dying at the hands of Islamofascists rather than of a rare and virulent pneumonia.
Details of exactly how al-Qaida will attack SARS remain sketchy, but experts speculate that detonations of enormous "health bombs" (explosives that release mass quantities of antibiotics and antiviral drugs upon their detonation) may be in the works.
Pentagon officials say they are prepared for the imminent attacks and have implemented necessary precautions to protect SARS in North America from al-Qaida's deadly assaults. Meanwhile, scientists at the Center for Disease Control (CDC) say Pentagon officials are "complete idiots."
Marni Soupcoff
SEC HEAD SAYS SOME NIGERIAN INVESTMENTS "NOT ON THE LEVEL"
(Washington, DC) -- In shocking testimony yesterday before the Senate Banking Regulatory Subcommittee, Securities & Exchange Commission Chairman Harlan P. Sattleford III stated that "not all Nigerian investment opportunities are on the level." Mr. Sattleford went on to say that "there have even been cases in which Americans have received personal e-mails from former members of the Nigerian government -- in which, for a small upfront fee, they are promised the opportunity to recover millions of dollars from inactive accounts in Nigerian banks -- only to discover that the actual rate of return was far less than that promised in the prospectus."
The news of potential fraud in the highly-regarded and closely-regulated Nigerian financial planning industry sent shock waves through the Lagos Stock Exchange and led to a selling frenzy. Many Nigerian stockbrokers reported severe cramps in their abacus fingers as they tried to keep up with sell orders.
One Wall Street veteran (who wishes to remain anonymous) told this reporter, "I'm devastated. Nigeria used to be the Switzerland of Africa. You always knew your money was safe in Nigerian hands. I don't know what we'll do now. Thank god there's still Malawi and the Democratic Republic of Congo to rely on for safe investing and rigorous accounting standards."
William Grim, courtesy Broken Newz, © Copyright 2003 Broken Newz.
KERRY TO BLOCK COURT NOMINEES WHO HAD NO ABORTIONS
U.S. Sen. John Kerry, a Vietnam veteran who's also running for president, said today that he believes so strongly in a woman's right to choose, that he will filibuster any future Supreme Court nominees who have not had at least one abortion.
"This nation needs a combination of legal scholarship and practical experience in the highest court," said Sen. Kerry. "I've always said that it's wrong to apply a litmus test to judicial nominees, but I was talking about liberal nominees."
Sen. Kerry said a Supreme Court nominee would have to show some physical evidence or documentation that he or she personally had one or more abortions.
Kate Michelman, president of the National Abortion Rights Action League, applauded the so-called "Democrat frontrunner" in a written statement. "Along with John Kerry, we're fighting to ensure that abortions are legal, cheap and easily accessible," the statement read. "Abortions are a crucial element of a balanced sex life for every American"........