I’ve talked to priests in my parish, and didn’t really feel any better.
Am I missing something? I was never much on Chinese riddles, and vague answers to questions don’t help.
I'd recommended starting with the
Westminster Confession of Faith; you'll find reference links to proof texts from the Bible.
One will come to understand, with careful study, that the Bible (and life) is not a simple a,b,c recipe. There are numerous aspects to Biblical doctrine that apply to life situations.
There will be "highs" and "lows" while you study until you get to a certain point.
But you needn't worry ! If you will be converted, saved, one day before you die, then God knew you from before the foundations of the world and you have your appointed place among his elect. God never abandons his own.
Jesus Christ, the Son of God, came to serve, not be served. He is the firstborn among many, and it is for the believer to continually try to be ever more Christ-like.
I respect your Presbyterian/Calvinist background; I am not as Calvinist as I had been earlier in my Christian life, but some of the rough edges were knocked off by a realization that God isn’t limited to time, and can frame-in free will without negating it or its consequences or His power to rule over the overall sweep of eternity. Perhaps as though space-time were a large canvas curved around the Lord whose details He can fill out in any logical sequence He chooses as long as He does not reveal His work falsely to any creature at any point the creature is made aware of, which would make Him a liar or not self consistent. The bible does not depend on such an explanation, and other possible explanations may exist, but it is, as it were, an illustration that such an explanation can exist.