Social commonplaces can be understood in metaphoric, rather than literal terms. For example, “How are you?” (between strangers in the Post Office line) really means, “Initiation of ritual greeting,” and “I’m fine today. How are you?” means “Ritual response to greeting. Openness to additional exchange.”
“Isn’t my grandson beautiful?” means “Affirm my joy in being a grandparent.” It does not mean, “I want to know what you really think about how my grandson looks.”
Most people who have been normally socialized understand these things without being specifically told. Those with less-than-average social perception, like my Patrick, need to have the inputs and outputs codified for them.
A real set of instructions: “When a random adult at camp asks, ‘How do you like being on camp staff?’ you must give a positive response, such as ‘It’s okay,’ or ‘I’m having fun,’ because he is really saying, ‘I want affirmation that the staff have a positive attitude.’ If you have a real problem, find your supervisor and explain the problem. If you can’t explain the problem to your supervisor, ask him to call me.”
Thank you for your excellent post!
I have another example for people who may not understand the Scotch-Irish culture. When someone apologizes, the appropriate response is, “There’s nothing to forgive.” It means all necessary apology obligations are satisfied and the apology is accepted. It is not correct to follow up by protesting, “No I really was wrong and I want to hear you say that you forgive me.”
Now when some Yankee apologizes, you must look into the eyes and say, “Yes I accept your apology, and I fully, freely, and frankly forgive you and I promise I will with God’s help never speak of it again.” You may go on like that for a while and it may help to say that you have never heard such a gracious, humble, and Christian-like apology and you will have greater respect and eternal admiration because of it.
...Wait a minute.
...Did I just say,
“...Yankee apologizes?!”