Now where did you ever get that idea?
Posted on 10/23/2018 1:14:07 PM PDT by Gamecock
For many years people have asked whether I still agree with my book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. In addition to this question, some readers have told me the book harmed them.
Two years ago I began a process of re-evaluating the book. This included inviting people to share their stories with me on my website, personal phone calls with readers, an in-depth study of issues surrounding my book overseen by one of my graduate school professors, and finally, creating a documentary film that captured the conversations with people who were reshaping my thinking.
For me, it’s been important for this process of reevaluation to engage other people and other voices. It has been drawn out because I did not want to be superficial in my response, and I have made it public because I think my reevaluation should be commensurate to the public reach of my book.
For those who would like to hear how my thinking has changed, the documentary I Survived I Kissed Dating Goodbye shares that story. The production company has communicated that the film will be released for free online sometime in early 2019.
While I stand by my book’s call to sincerely love others, my thinking has changed significantly in the past twenty years. I no longer agree with its central idea that dating should be avoided. I now think dating can be a healthy part of a person developing relationally and learning the qualities that matter most in a partner. I recommend books like Boundaries in Dating by Dr. Henry Cloud and True Love Dates by Debra Fileta, which encourage healthy dating.
There are other weaknesses too: in an effort to set a high standard, the book emphasized practices (not dating, not kissing before marriage) and concepts (giving your heart away) that are not in the Bible. In trying to warn people of the potential pitfalls of dating, it instilled fear for some—fear of making mistakes or having their heart broken. The book also gave some the impression that a certain methodology of relationships would deliver a happy ever-after ending—a great marriage, a great sex life—even though this is not promised by scripture.
To those who read my book and were misdirected or unhelpfully influenced by it, I am sincerely sorry. I never intended to hurt you. I know this apology doesn’t change anything for you and it’s coming too late, but I want you to hear that I regret any way that my ideas restricted you, hurt you, or gave you a less-than-biblical view of yourself, your sexuality, your relationships, and God.
And to those of you who benefitted from my book, I am so grateful that something I wrote helped you. The fact that a flawed man could write a flawed book and somehow that could help some people is amazing to me. But, to borrow an analogy from the automotive industry, if a car serves some people but a flaw in its design causes damage to others, good intentions by the carmaker and even the endorsement of other customers don’t override the problem. I cannot recall all the copies of my book that have been published. However, my public critique in written and documentary form, and the numerous media interviews I’ve done in the past two years, are my attempt to both apologize and spread the word of about the problems I see in it.
In light of the flaws I now see in I Kissed Dating Goodbye, I think it’s best to discontinue its publication, as well other supplemental resources tied to it (this includes the two books I wrote after it whose content is similar). My publisher, whose encouragement in this process has been deeply meaningful to me, supports this decision and will not reprint the books after the current copies in their inventory are sold.
Whether you agree or disagree, I hope you’ll think for yourself and be compassionate toward those whose experience has been different than yours.
Thanks for reading. I wish you all the best on your journey.
— Josh
Josh got sucked back into the gynocentric matrix. Hes gonna be so screwed.
Genesis 29 10 And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother’s brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother’s brother, that Jacob went near, and rolled the stone from the well’s mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother’s brother. 11 And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept.
Another view written long before Josh’s book, and at 73, I still believe everything I felt led to write then.....no, it’s not perfect, and it is very out-dated......
But my approach was totally different from Josh’s, as my goal was to present God’s original plan in creating Male and Female, and a small part is showing the damaging results of dating, while nowhere stating Christian’s should not date.
Please forgive if you see this is self-promoting - I am not promotingmyself, but God, His ways, His kingdom and His glory.....
And, BTW, the book was applauded by Elisabeth Elliot......
http://www.el-shaddai.org/mandf-home.php
I can’t find any connection between Gothard and Harris. Are you possibly confusing Josh Harris with Josh Duggar? The Duggars are Gothard adherents.
No confusion. Peas in q pod.
The problem with our society today is that the man is completely relegated to the woman because of the one sided marriage laws imposed by feminism and activist judges. This makes doing it “God’s Way” such a dilemma that I don’t even bother with trying to date anymore.
Brought to you by authors who made a good buck on the gullible.
Such as, Amityville ghost houses
and Alien abduction books.
And giving money advice on very general terms, like Save up.
One of the reviews on Amazon is rather unsettling:
There are better books on Christian relationships than Harris’ book. I was reluctant to write a review until I learned Harris himself is now indirectly involved in a sex scandal that caused him to step down from his pastoral work. I felt some unease about his message, and after I decided one day to google “Josh Harris Sex Scandal”, I now I feel compelled to discourage Christians from buying into what he is selling.
As I read the book, I thought to myself, “this reads like some kid in high school writing stuff down and who can’t think coherently.” Worse, he somehow suggests his courtship model is somehow ordained by God and that if couples follow it, they’re somehow guaranteed a happily-ever-after relationship. I knew it was scam book, and at the time of its publication it was the latest rage in some churches. One zealous loudmouth at church preached it as “God’s way” for everyone. He and his girl friend followed it to the letter, evangelized with it for a while until they got divorced 4 years later.
Should Christians Kiss dating goodbye? The Bible doesn’t give a simple formula for courtship. If anything I’ve been struck by the variety of ways God unites couples, and sometimes its pretty sordid. God had Hosea marry a whore, God killed Ezekiel’s cherished wife, God united Isaac with Rebecca through a miracle, Jacob fell in love with Rachel’s beauty, God had Esther herded into a kings harem, Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines, and Ruth spruced herself up and laid down at Boaz’s feet while he was about to sleep. Godly men like Jeremiah and Daniel did not find wives. The unspoken implication of Harris’ book is that if one is not happily married, one somehow failed to do things God’s way, and God’s way is Harris’ courtship model. The Bible doesn’t really say there is a method, except to say it is ultimately by God’s blessing, and to make decisions wisely and not to be yoked with an unbeliever.
I taught a Bible study to college age students. Ironically by the end of the school year the numbers had risen and I had an abundance of 19-year-old girls attending. I expressed my critical view of Harris’ book and warned them that God doesn’t promise happily ever after. They should simply live a pure life because it pleases God, not because it would land them prince charming (as Harris book insinuates). If they do marry, I told them to choose wisely, and that means asking basic questions like — how many kids do you want, where do you want to live, will you travel for the husband or wife’s career, etc. There is much wiser counsel from other books than Harris’ book.
At the time I wondered if I was doing the right thing by dissuading them form Harris’ book. Now in retrospect, given the divorces of some of his most devoted advocates, I’m glad I suggested other books. This was about 11 years ago before e-harmony came around and Neil Clark Warren had commercialized his work, but Warren’s book listed down all the questions people should ask themselves and each other before getting involved. Ben Young’s “Ten Commandments of Dating” was very sensible, but Warren’s book was the most well conceived based on Warren’s decades of private practice in dealing with couples.
Is he going to return the royalties?
Dating is deceptive.
When you date, you’re on your best behavior, look your best, trying to impress the other person.
It’s not reality, the reality of being seen in real life situations.
I think a healthy blend of courtship and dating is the best.
Get to know the other person well, in situations with their family and watch the family interactions, when they are doing the normal, routine, hum drum activities of real life living that you will be engaged in the rest of your married life.
Your marriage will not be what your dating life was like.
Now where did you ever get that idea?
I love you.
I bet you say that to all the FReepers.
Oh, wait.
http://freerepublic.com/tag/by:lazamataz/index?tab=comments;brevity=full;options=no-change
Never tell them “the tractor story”.
There probably is none. Gothard often "borrows" ideas that can further his legalistic agenda. Harris' book on the subject dovetails right into Gothard's understanding of unmarried people.
Lots of potential for abuse there, and Gothard is a master at exploiting it.
Back in the day you NEVER questioned "Pope Bill's" interpretation of scripture, even when he was demonstrably wrong.
Thank God he went the way of all legalists...hoist on his own petard.
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