Traveler: I opt out.
TSA agent: OK, we'll have to give you a full pat down, including both thighs up to the groin.
Traveler: sigh if you must. But in the interests of full disclosure, you need to know that due to some unpleasant events in my past, which I neither want to discuss nor even think about, I'm told that the I beat the last guy who touched my crotch into a bloody pulp. Mind you, I have no recollection of actually doing this, and I think I can control it if I can brace myself for the unwanted contact. Still, I want you to know that I have the highest respect for you and admire the difficult job you do, so if I have a full psychotic break and injure you, it's nothing personal, and I have no conscious control over it.
(pause)
Traveler: Your move.
Or tell him you have genital warts and his gloves are only 98% effective in preventing them of exposure.
Just say, “I have lots of crabs. Really big ones, mind you.”
Last week a friend of mine (flaming, flaming gay) flew cross country. He went through the scanner and the scanner detected something metallic that was attached to his thing (I’ll keep this PG-13). So he had to get felt up. He told the TSA guy that he is “very gay” and if he started touching him there, he would get aroused and something might happen. The TSA guy let him go through; no pat down.
LOL. That was great!