He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it

Chicago Sun-Times ^ | June 15, 2003 | Mary Mitchell

[Mister Magoo]

He's celibate until marriage, and dates won't tolerate it

June 15, 2003

BY MARY MITCHELL SUN-TIMES COLUMNIST

Ten years ago, Darren Washington, 33, made a dramatic lifestyle change. He decided to abstain from sex until he got married. It is a choice that makes sense in a world where sex can literally kill you. But the fear of sexually transmitted diseases was not the only thing that motivated Washington to try celibacy. Given the pain sexual relationships can cause, he wanted to be part of the solution--not part of the problem.

On Saturday, June 21, he will be one of the panelists for "What Men Don't Like To Talk About" at Being Single Magazine's 5th Annual Bachelor Breakfast.

Washington, director of external affairs for SBC Indiana, says his celibacy has frustrated some women.

"A lot of women wanted to be sexually active," he said. "And you have so many people fronting. What I found out is that women wanted a man who was going to be faithful to her because a lot of men are juggling different women, having sex with different women, and so women thought it would be OK if I was only having sex with them."

Some women backed away after realizing Washington took abstinence seriously.

"I told one woman I just wanted to be friends and she said she already had enough friends," he said.

Then, there's the hurry-up-and-get-on-with-it sister.

"I dated a very intelligent woman, an attorney, who was OK with celibacy," Washington said. "But after six months, she wanted me to make a commitment. She felt if she knew we were going to marry then she could abstain. I couldn't make that promise."

Washington, a state-certified HIV/AIDS counselor, regularly speaks out about abstinence. He says he does so because it is the best alternative, particularly for African-American couples.

"I think a lot of people--men and women--don't understand the emotional and psychological effects that premarital sex cause besides teenage pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

"When you give your body, you open an area to them that is really sacred. You exchange spirits with that person and that is how you end up with heartaches, pain and jealousy. There are women out here who are cheating just like men. You can't blame one [gender] more than the other. If men stood up and took the initiative and treated women with more respect and respected their bodies, women would want their bodies respected."

Sex shouldn't be part of a dating relationship, Washington said.

"You really truly have to be patient and wait for the right man to come into your life," he said. "There are a lot of men out here who have their pick of the litter. They date a lot of women and they know they are a good catch. They are financially together and a lot of these men are having sex with a lot of different women."

In the abstinence world, a date is a date.

"There are certain things that are off limits if you are not willing to be married," he said. "I can go out with different people to have fun, but I don't expect sex and I don't expect them to take their clothes off."

But for a lot of men, sex is seen as their reward for showing his date a good time.

""I don't expect a woman to have sex with me because I took her out to dinner and spent $100," Washington counters. "That should be normal if I am trying to win her hand and to prove to her I'm the man of her dreams.

On the other side, women who do not have romantic feelings for a man may get involved with him sexually because he is financially solid and drives a nice car, Washington pointed out.

"We have to stop using each other," he said. "One way to do that is to abstain."

Of course, the real question is whether Washington is really one of those brothers on the down-low. He chuckled when I asked, but admitted it wasn't the first time he's been asked about his sexuality.

"People live an alternative lifestyle for sexual liberation, not sexual resignation," he said. "Right now, a lot of people are looking for a cure to AIDS. My issue is, yes, we need drugs that will stop the spread of AIDS, but what about the people who don't have it. They need to abstain. If you can't put a ring on a woman's finger or you don't want to marry the brother, you shouldn't be out there."

As noted in a recent Sun-Times special report on marriage, African Americans marry at a significantly lower rate than other racial groups in the United States. By age 30, 81 percent of white women and 77 percent of Asians and Hispanics will marry, but only 52 percent of black women will do so, according to the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

After talking to Washington, I recalled something my father used to say when his daughters started dating: "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Of course, we didn't listen. As things have turned out, fathers knew best after all.

For additional information about next Saturday's panel discussion, please call (312) 567-9900.

[TheSpottedOwl]

Is a sexual betrayal of trust more serious than another betrayal of trust? Isn't it the loss of trust, by whatever means the problem?

It's a character flaw. If you can't be honest enough to stay faithful in a serious relationship, not including marriage, you can't be trusted period. I know what I'm talking about here.

[FourPeas]

I'm right with you until #9 or #10. We don't know that he didn't talk about their future. And, we don't know that he said he thought everything was just fine and he didn't want it to ever change. Six months is just not that long. Perhaps he said he considered their relationship very promising and that he believed that their courtship should last a year. Perhaps they were still talking about the issue of children. Perhaps he still had concerns over their life goals. Perhaps.... The point is, we don't know. We weren't there. All we know is two short sentences. Making assumptions about this dude being a bad guy based on two sentences is pointless. We just don't know.

BTW, there are other assumptions you're making that we just don't know. We don't know that she finds his abstinance an attractive quality. Perhaps she thought she could change his mind. Perhaps she thought it was a ploy, a line.

Frankly, I find a woman who says something to effect that she can abstain if she knew they were going to marry to be less than ideal. It sounds to me more like she's not willing to wait for the one she loves. She knows she can get sex other places and if he's not going to come through, then she'll go elsewhere. Afterall, if she really loved him, shouldn't she be willing to wait? My grandmother's aunt waited for her soldier to return from WWI. She had a promise of marriage from him. He never returned. She loved him and waited for him. She never married.

Far from faulting Mr. Washington, I'd say it was in HIS best interest that their relationship is no longer.

[~EagleNebula~]

That's silly. There is a difference in risk between sleeping with every crackwhore to come down the pyke, and sleeping with a steady girlfriend who you know well.

Really? How do you figure? For every person you are sexually active with, you are actually sleeping with 10 or more other people?? For every one person you sleep with it increases exponentially. Each person they slept with before you, and each one that each of those slept with, and so on and on. So the risk is only with a drug user, or whor? I don't think so.... Think about how many people you have been sexually intimate with, and then figure they were the same with that number of people..... and then each of those that person slept with..... Kinda scary, eh? Then I ask myself about the risk, the emotional damage when the relationship breaks up, and everything else that goes with it. Abstinence til after marriage seems a very smart thing to do. (Fighting passion is hard, but considering the alternatives.... AIDS, STDs, emotional wreckage.... I'll take abstinence.)

[~EagleNebula~]

PING!

[TheSpottedOwl]

My future son in law spent a bundle on my daughter's engagement and wedding rings. They had better jobs on the East Coast, however. They are ready to have children, though.

He's a nice guy, wedding rings aside. I like him and will silently work to convert him from Democrat to Republican, but never so much as to hurt their relationship....

[strela]

Why wouldn't she get married except for the fact that her brilliance probably intimidates men, keeping them away from her like a force field?

For the longest time, I simply refused to accept the possibility that some Freeper men were capable of being intimidated by intelligent, strong women. Surely, I thought, the idea of an everyday, intimate relationship with a first-class mind (especially when combined with a first-class body) just has to be every man's idea of the ideal relationship. No more begging on the Internet for a good chess partner, no more explaining for hours on end the rules of bridge, no more having to play Go against the computer yet again. And as for the idea that men are vulnerable in such a relationship, well, love by its very nature is an exercise in vulnerability anyway, isn't it?

Then, I started reading the Annika Sorenstam threads and the scales fell from my eyes.

[Nowhere Man]

Ohhhhh. They were my FAVORITE books when I was a little girl. In fact don't tell anyone but the cartoon "Anne of Green Gables" is on Sunday mornings before church. Never miss it with my waffle. One of the few things I will watch on TV. LOL I have been to Novia Scotia but really want to walk down memory lane on Prince Edward Island.

Sometimes I catch the cartoon when I can as well. I also read many of the books on my PDA too, they're in public domain and I just load them in and off I go. B-)

And your a guy?????? :)

I know we may sound very rare, but there are a lot of us out there, more than many would think. B-)

[laredo44]

Statistics show that celibate people have very low (ie, zero) rates of sexual disease, illegitimacy, abortion, child abuse, and rape.

Hmmm. I'm not celibate and I also have no sexual disease, illegitimacy, etc.

[DearAbby]

Why is wrong to be celibate at 33? That is the way it should be according to God's Holy Word.
I applaud men and women who can control themselves till they find the right person to marry and be intimate with. God's word says that when we marry we become one spirit.

Your way of thinking is secular and without moral fiber

[TheSpottedOwl]

You are merely talking about degree. The act itself, whether wanton and frequent, or "discrete" and infrequent spring from the same lack of morality.

Excuse me, I've been celibate for 5 years and it's getting old. God help a burglar at this point. I do have enough respect for myself and my kids not to run around and behave like a jackass.

Stealing a quarter and stealing a million dollars are morally equivilant -- it is transferring something that belongs to someone else to you. The morality behind sexual activity, which adults should understand, is simple: Sex withing marriage only. This makes sense from a socioligical and pratical perspective as well (amazing how morals work that way!).

Are you telling me that I can never have a relationship with a man ever again unless I'm married to him? BAH! I've had all the kids I'm going to have. I have a granddaughter for pete's sake. It's time for me to move on, if certain people would let me. Heck even my 15 yr old son told me I should think about dating again. He probably wants to get me out of the house so he can party ;-)

I am speaking of something called principles here. These are missing in the USA and in your arguments (assuming you are making arguments here and not just whining). This is not an attack -- I am merely pointing out that your activities are part of the milleu from which sprang Bill Clinton and provide cover for Hillary.

I have principles. I don't whine. Don't compare me to Bill and Hill, because those are fighting words....

Judge not lest ye be judged yourself.

[laredo44]

Well, yes...but quite often, despite the honest intention to pursue alternative methods of sex, sooner or later people ends up doing the traditional thing, and le voila, there is a pregnancy. in fact, it especially happens when people are trying alternative methods because they expect to use the alternative and aren't armed with birth control for that reason. Believe me on this.

I'm quite certain you are correct. On the other hand, celibate people, particularly teenagers, with every good intention to remain so end up in pretty much the same prediciment

[~EagleNebula~]

making sure you are sexually compatible is as important as making sure you agree on children and handling money.

Hmmm. I wonder if God took that into consideration. /sarcasm/. I hear this excuse, even from guys who want a piece of me. To be looked at like a piece of meat to be tested I find revolting. (No, I am not that good looking.) For too many the prevailing line of thought, if it would be considered thought, is the piece of *ss is more important than the person it contains. Shouldn't it be something that is experienced and worth waiting for after marriage? If 2 people are that compatible on all other levels, how could it not be possible sexually? Or that they couldn't work it out sexually after? That line seems to me to be an excuse to make it ok, when you believe it to be against how you were brought up, or against your own morals, IMHO.

[Lonesome in Massachussets]

It's that 0.1% that give the other 99.9% of us a bad name.

[TheSpottedOwl]

I think Condi does intimidate men, and that's too bad. She'd be a great mom...but since she isn't married or a mom, maybe she'd make a great president in 2008 :)

No matter how hard the tabloids try, Oprah conducts herself like a lady. There is nothing they can say about her except her weight, which is a mean thing to do. This has been the point I've been trying to make about older folks who choose to have a discreet non-marriage arrangement. Oprah is a decent woman.

[BenR2]

Just where exactly does it say that?
He could have been a widower, or even have just left a nagging wife at home.

/////
And you could have offered an intelligent reply.

[~EagleNebula~]

If you don't love her enought to marry her you don't love her enough to have sex with her.

Touche'

[BenR2]

Well, there is a school of thought that believes that Jesus was married, possibly to Mary Magdalene.

//////
Right. LOL.

[L.N. Smithee]

And you're right about [Palmeiro's] wife.

There ain't too many ballplayers around with bow-wows as wives. I have been a baseball fan for thirty years, and a rule of thumb is that if an all-star athlete's wife blends in with the crowd, she's on the way out. Within a few years, an eye-popping former, current, or wannabe model will take her place.

The only exception to this rule I have ever witnessed is Kurt Warner, whose wife is not unattractive, but has the look of an Arena Football League QB's spouse rather than that an NFL MVP with a Super Bowl ring. Warner is a born-again guy who was just happy to be sitting on the bench when fate intervened. In coming years, we will see if success changes him -- I hope not.

I wonder how [Palmeiro's wife] feels about him doing these Viagra ads. Surely he doesn't need the money.

Who "needs" the kind of money ballplayers make? Come on. I would hope that for all the ribbing that Raffie takes, his pay for being the face of impotence would bring him to within a few mill of what his fellow Rangers infielder Alex Rodriguez makes.

Palmeiro's only got a few years left on the diamond, but he's going to be the Viagra poster boy for years to come, especially if he makes it to the Hall of Fame. Look at the way Nolan Ryan's still plugging Advil years after his retirement, and how much play Joe DiMaggio got out of Mr. Coffee ads well into his sixties. And George Foreman is making tons more money with that grill than he made getting punched in the face for a living.

I've been waiting for someone to say it, and so far, no one has, so here goes:

---

Sammy Sosa, in his latest apology, said he doesn't understand why everyone is so angry about the cork incident. "I don't see anybody getting mad about Rafael Palmeiro corking his bat!"

---

Thanks, everybody, I'm here all week.

[L.N. Smithee]

Oprah is a decent woman.

Decent? Probably. Self-absorbed beyond belief? Definitely.

[L.N. Smithee]

This has been the point I've been trying to make about older folks who choose to have a discreet non-marriage arrangement.

Why "non-marriage"? Why not marriage? I ain't a shrink, but to me, it's common sense: If people who claim they are dedicated to each other refuse to make it official, they are afraid of how the official designation will change either their bedmate or themselves.

If marriage is "only a piece of paper", what is the deadly fear of it? That's actually a reason to GET married, not to refuse to marry.