“I am very sort to inform you, Ambassador Burns, that our esteemed minister of national defense, Li Shangfu, will not under any circumstances at this time have a dialogue with Lloyd Austin. It has come to our attention that Lloyd Austin is not a real defense secretary, and his superior, Joseph Biden, is apparently not a real president of the United States of America. We have learned Lloyd Austin speaks for only a portion of your country’s armed forces and that Joseph Biden isn’t in control of your country’s nuclear weapons. This is an alarming revelation—your house is not in...