Free Republic

KNOXVILLE, TN—A southern man was immediately rushed to the hospital yesterday after being served unsweetened tea, believing it to be sweet tea. The ambulance arrived at Litton’s restaurant at approximately 2:15pm after being called by another restaurant patron. The man was found completely unresponsive due to an immense shock to his senses. According to others having lunch at the time, the man seemed to be perfectly normal and healthy, until he took a small sip of his drink. “He was just sitting there enjoying his meal, until all of a sudden he just violently collapsed onto the floor, spilling food...

U.S.—For some unknown reason, several outlets are reporting a strong spike in internet searches for "Who is Neil Young?" With little information about this unknown character available, and with all memory of the man's existence having been erased from America's collective memory for decades, many are still being left guessing. "Your guess is as good as mine," said one analyst. "I've never heard of the guy in my life. Suddenly his name started popping up in the news so I googled his name. Even Google couldn't tell me, which is weird. I even get results when I type in my...

RED ALERT: this is not a joke. Elon Musk sat down with Babylon Bee CEO Seth Dillon, EIC Kyle Mann, and Creative Director Ethan Nicolle for an in-depth interview on wokeness, Elizabeth Warren, taxing the rich, the Metaverse, which superhero Elon would be, and how the left is killing comedy. This version contains the full interview with 45 additional minutes of content.

RED ALERT: this is not a joke. Elon Musk sat down with Babylon Bee CEO Seth Dillon, EIC Kyle Mann, and Creative Director Ethan Nicolle for an in-depth interview on wokeness, Elizabeth Warren, taxing the rich, the Metaverse, which superhero Elon would be, and how the left is killing comedy.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a catastrophic blow to democracy with disastrous consequences sure to ripple throughout the free world, a majority of democratically-elected representatives decided against legislation proposed by other democratically-elected representatives. “This is the end of democracy as we know it,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, for the 486th time since 2016. “It’s unfathomable that the American people would allow such egregious destruction of our country’s democratic foundations by allowing the majority of elected representatives to represent them through legislative action.” President Biden, responding to the subversive circumvention of democracy by following the proven process outlined in the U.S. Constitution, said,...

ATLANTA, GA—According to an anonymous source within the organization, CNN has quietly reset their counter that measures the days since one of their employees committed a sex crime back to zero. "I don't think we've ever made it past one day," said the source. "Well, I take that back—I think we made it for two days sometime last spring." This seems to confirm what many on the outside have come to suspect—that CNN is a roiling cauldron of disgusting sexual abuse that would make the residents of Sodom and Gomorrah blush. Efforts have been made to decrease the number of...

CALIFORNIA—Beto O'Rourke has surged to the front of the Texas gubernatorial race according to a recent poll of Californians. O'Rourke is polling at the front of the pack, being an incredibly popular candidate to become governor of Texas. Not, of course, among people who live in Texas, but he's very well liked in California. While he'd be at the back of the pack in Texas, over 60% of Californians say they would vote for him as governor of Texas if they lived in Texas. "This is great news for Beto," said one CNN anchor. "I mean, it would be. If...

So, um, some people did something, and now CNN's Primetime slot is empty! Oh no! While we are extremely sad to see the brilliant and legendary Chris Cuomo go, there are a ton of great candidates out there who would do a great job filling his shoes! Here are the top ten possible replacements for Chris Cuomo: #1) Jussie Smollett: He has vast experience using fake news to gin up racial hatred. A perfect fit! #2) Ghislaine Maxwell: For her skill in protecting serial sex predators. #3) Luigi from Super Mario Brothers: The Primetime slot has been traditionally filled by...

U.S.—New documents recently uncovered by Smithsonian historians confirmed that the group of pilgrims and Indians who gathered for the first Thanksgiving argued vehemently about politics throughout the course of the meal. The newly discovered journal seems to indicate that just after giving thanks for the meal, one Pilgrim from England drank too much mead and began to rant about “making the colonies great again,” kicking off several hours of hostile glances, passive-aggressive remarks, and flat-out argumentation. “Apparently, Uncle Charles was asked to eat at the kids’ table after a tirade about how real patriots need to support King James I,...

The headline that appeared at the top of the following tweet from the Washington Post, about the massacre in Waukesha, Wisconsin, appeared to have been written by the Babylon Bee. What you see is a screen grab saved by a blogger who writes under the title "Dan from Squirrel Hills' Blog" because the WaPo is still (barely) capable of shame and took it down.

"Here's what we know so far on the sequence of events that led to the Waukesha tragedy caused by [an] SUV," the paper tweeted. "A quarter-mile from the rotary building, at 4:39 p.m., an officer told a dispatcher a maroon Ford Escape ‘just blew by [him]’ at White Rock and Hartwell avenues, the intersection where barricades blocking traffic to the parade were removed just a minute before, according to police audio and time codes provided by Broadcastify," the Post wrote in the report published Tuesday. "A few moments later, the SUV rammed through the parade participants, killing five and injuring...

The Washington Post said the Waukesha massacre was “caused by a SUV”The Washington Post said the Waukesha massacre was “caused by a SUV.”The original tweet has been deleted. This is the link where it originally was:https://twitter.com/washingtonpost/status/1463686399123730443Fortunately, the internet archive has a copy of the tweet at this link:https://web.archive.org/web/20211125033742/https://twitter.com/washingtonpost/status/1463686399123730443The tweet says:“Here’s what we know so far on the sequence of events that led to the Waukesha tragedy caused by a SUV.”Here’s a screenshot taken from the archive:Also, since “SUV” is pronounced as “ess yoo vee,” the correct article is “an,” not “a.” At least, that’s what I remember being taught when...

KENOSHA, WI—As the prosecution rests its case in the Kyle Rittenhouse trial, state officials expressed regret over hiring lawyer Lionel Hutz to lead the prosecution. "We were told he was one of the best," said the mayor of Kenosha, Bob Kenosha. "Some guy down at Moe's Tavern told us he was the man for the job. I'm feeling pretty disappointed right now." According to sources, Hutz brought in video evidence of Rittenhouse's innocence and coached his witnesses to testify that they pointed a gun at the defendant first. "Apparently, Lionel Hutz thought he was on the defense team," said Mayor...

U.S.—Under its Playskool Friends line of toys, Hasbro has released an exciting new Elmo doll: Vaccinate Me Elmo. When you jab the new doll with the included plastic syringe, he starts having heart palpitations and cries from the pain, for a more realistic experience. He vibrates and shakes from the side effects, and kids will love watching him writhe on the ground complaining of arm and chest pain. "We hope this toy encourages young children to get the vaccine," said Hasbro founder and CEO Bob Hasbro. "They'll have so much fun poking Elmo in the arm and watching as he...

RICHMOND, VA—In a blistering concession speech after losing the race for Virginia Governor, Terry McAuliffe vowed that he would return and that he would get everyone's children if it's the last thing he ever does. "You haven't seen the last of me!" said McAuliffe, angrily shaking his fist. "I'll have my revenge! I'll come back and I'll get your kids! We'll brainwash them and there's nothing you can do about it! There's no escape! MUAAA HAHAHAHAHAHA!" The failed candidate then threw a smoke bomb and disappeared from the stage in a cloud of purple smoke. Experts warn that McAuliffe is...

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—A KKK member posing outside Glenn Youngkin's bus, ostensibly to support the gubernatorial candidate, has turned out to actually just be Governor Ralph Northam in his trusty Klan hood. "We're all in for Glenn! We're all in for Glenn!" the man in the white hood chanted as Youngkin's bus pulled into a campaign stop in Charlottesville. "We racists love Glenn. Vote for Glenn! We are not associated with the Democratic Party whatsoever, despite the white robe and hood! Go, Republicans!" One group of curious youths, who had arrived there in a van, was determined to get to the bottom...

MENLO PARK, CA—Genius billionaire and totally human Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced he is building a brand new virtual reality world for everyone to live in, which he calls the "Metaverse." To help everyone plug in and get completely immersed in the virtual world, Facebook Meta has introduced high-tech virtual reality pods. "Our Meta-Pods are state of the art," said Zuckerberg in his classic warm and fully-human way. "You will submerge yourself in this gooey clear jelly for maximum comfort, and simply plug this giant cable into your head! And the pods are very energy efficient since they use...

CACTUS HILL, AZ—Pastor Fred Wilkinson, a King James-only pastor in a rural Arizona town, reportedly leads his congregation in a chant every Sunday morning, wanting to join in on the 'F--- Joe Biden' chant trend sweeping through sports games, concerts, and churches across the country. But his chant is slightly different, opting for the proper King James phrase "Knoweth Joe Biden!" instead. "Let us all standeth and joineth together in the traditional chant," Wilkinson (thee/thou) said as the organist played "Softly and Tenderly". "Knoweth Joe Biden! Knoweth Joe Biden!" Some church members complained about the crassness of the word "knoweth,"...

There is an Atlantic article this month that chronicles author Emma Green’s interview with Kyle Mann, the managing editor of the Babylon Bee. The title, The Christians Who Mock Wokeness for a Living, explains to Ms. Green’s audience what the article is intended to do: chastise America’s new newspaper of record for being rather un-Christian. What it actually does is prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that the left has absolutely no sense of humor… “Everything that we see is a shadow cast by that which we do not see.” – Martin Luther King…at least when the joke is...

@mxsgl McAuliffe touts @BillKristol endorsement, calls him "the leading conservative in America." Clip...