Free Republic

Sleep is a necessary and universal human activity that is essential for physical and mental well-being. However, the history of sleep and the attitudes surrounding sleep are riddled with racist beliefs, practices, and ideas. When you sleep, you cannot work, unless you are participating in a sleep study. White people have more wealth than black people and other races. Therefore, white people can better afford to sleep. This is one way the distribution of sleep is racist and perpetuates racism. There are only so many sleep studies, and black people cannot perform them all. Another way sleep has racist roots...

Ex-Californians Steve and Timpani visit a marriage counselor to solve their Texification problems - but this little gas station called Buc-ee's isn't helping!Episode 1: https://youtu.be/HlDWzN6TW5Y Episode 2: https://youtu.be/3MOy6Z_UP7c Episode 3: https://youtu.be/BJzOZuPgcMc Episode 4: https://youtu.be/WxQVUNPeWnc

In a recent interview with CNN's Jake Tapper, President Biden sat down to assure the nation that while a nuclear war is likely on the way, it will only be "very slight." "Look folks, here's the deal. I don't think there will be a nuclear war with Russia. But if it is, it'll be very a very slight one," said President Joe Biden. "It'll be just a mild armageddon, nothing more." As the broadcast continued, Jake Tapper nodded calmly before staring blankly into the distance, trying to register that the world may or may not be on the brink of...

PALM BEACH, FL — Following the destruction caused by Hurricane Ian, Governor Ron DeSantis has issued a stark warning against all would-be looters hoping to pillage the vulnerable state. This message, however, has not stopped what appears to be a large group of heavily armed looters wearing FBI patches from swooping in and attempting to ransack Mar-A-Lago once again.

BANGOR, ME — Stephen King fans have long been perplexed as to how the man who wrote The Shining, the Dark Tower series, and Misery could possibly be the same guy who logs onto Twitter and tweets like a 7-year-old chimpanzee with anger issues. Well, you can consider this mystery solved: the King estate confirmed today that the famed author actually died when he got hit by that van back in 1999, and they've just been releasing manuscripts they found stuffed in his dresser drawer since then. But what about the insane rants posted on his Twitter account? Enter this...

WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources within the White House, Kamala Harris is once again losing another staff member as her top aide is leaving the administration after taking a new job. Sabrina Singh, Harris' current deputy press secretary and main speechwriter, has been poached by Sesame Street to write speeches for them instead. "I'm at a point in my career where I need to grow and be challenged and that's not going to happen here with Vice President Harris. I want to move into the big leagues and start writing for legends like Big Bird, and Bert and Ernie,"...

The prophets have long whispered of the return of ULTRA-MAGA King Trump. In faith, we know that his return is inevitable and that he will soon reclaim the presidency and set right what has gone awry. Here are the first 12 things Trump will do when he returns to power: Spray Febreze on the Oval Office curtains to get the old man smell out: Step one to draining the swamp is giving it a flowery scent. Make Pelosi wear a sweater on the beach: I mean, really. Welcome back Mike Pence, just to tell him he's fired: It'll be the...

The British parliament has convened for an emergency session to investigate the events of July 4th, 1776 in the colonies across the Atlantic. Sources indicate an illegal insurrection took place there that cost many lives. "Blimey! These cheeky colonists are quite literally — and I'm LITERALLY not exaggerating here — an existential threat to democracy!" said MP Peasley Peckinposh III to a chorus of "hear hears." Prime Minister Boris Johnson has directed the House of Commons and the House of Lords to form a committee that will hold televised hearings on the matter every night for at least 100 fortnights....

PALM BEACH, FL—Former President Donald Trump has declared his very first move after victory in 2024 will be to make himself head of the new Disinformation Governance Board. "Nobody knows disinformation more than do, and we're gonna get rid of it," said Trump. "The moment our great nation finally gets rid of Sleepy Joe—who has done so many terrible things—your favorite President will get right to work getting rid of the FAKE NEWS. And with the power of the Disinformation Governance Board, I will make everyone tell the truth about a certain STOLEN ELECTION!" Sources close to Trump say there...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—In the first step toward a world blossoming with freedom of speech, Elon Musk, the proud new owner of Twitter, ordered the company’s tech team to make all tweets by Bill Gates autocorrect to say “Poopy butt.” “Poopy butt poopy butt, poopy poopy butt butt,” read a subsequent tweet by Bill Gates. “Odd, I could have sworn I typed out a hopeful message on the benefits of global, forced, clandestine sterilization of women,” said a confused Gates, staring at his Windows Phone® while his tailor fitted him for a custom brassiere. “Why does it say, ‘Butt, butt,...

False advertising is a stain on the fabric of our society. In order to thoroughly bleach this fabric and make it soft with extra fabric softener, we have assembled honest company slogans that we now demand all businesses to switch to.NO EXCEPTIONS!Nike: Slavery: just do it.Walmart: We clean the bathrooms sometimes!Doritos: Better go ahead and buy two bags, fatty.Applebee's: Eatin' Food In A Place.Subway: Eat…something?!United Airlines: We just said the skies are friendly. We made no promises about what happens inside the plane.Spirit Airlines: You're poor, aren't you? The American Federation Of Teachers: We care. About ourselves.Google: Don't Be Evil.Twitter:...

(2007-10-12) — In the midst of a push by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, D-CA, to pass a resolution labeling the Ottoman (Turk) Empire genocidal for the death of 1.5 million Armenians in 1915, House Republicans have introduced a bill condemning the Roman Empire for “the wholesale slaughter and domination of most of the known world from about 41 B.C. to 476 A.D.” Rep. Pelosi, who often refers to her Italian heritage, called the GOP move “nothing short of a hate crime” and “a cynical effort by Republicans to overshadow what could be the first significant accomplishment of the Democrat Congressional...

The Miami Herald slammed Gov. Ron DeSantis, R-Fla., for working with a "fake news site" on Tuesday, after the governor’s campaign committee spent thousands of dollars on fundraising help from the popular conservative political satire site The Babylon Bee. In the April 5 piece headlined, "DeSantis calls out ‘fake news,’ but his campaign used fake news site to raise cash," The Herald attempted to point out the alleged hypocrisy of the DeSantis administration opposing fake news while endorsing a website that writes joke headlines and articles to make satirical points..... While The Herald explained that campaign committees paying advocacy groups...

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—Liberals at Twitter were outraged this morning upon finding out almost 10% of their company is now owned by an African-American. Several have threatened walk-outs to protest the news. "Elon's foreigner ways aren't welcome here," said Twitter Programming Director Xerxie Vamoosixx, (xe/xir.) "I watched a TikTok video about a Salon article about a tweet from a journalist that said Elon is 'based,' which is another word for transphobic. I have literally not stopped shaking and throwing up on my desk since I found out." Several unnamed sources from within the company expressed worry that the African immigrant will...

Mr. Musk asked his 80 million Twitter followers in March 24-26 tweets about the platform’s commitment to transparency and free-speech principles, concluding with the questions, “What should be done?” and “Is a new platform needed?” “I wouldn’t suggest that The Babylon Bee is the sole reason Musk decided to take action,” said Mr. Dillon. “Censorship is pervasive on the platform, and he‘s been concerned about it for some time. But I do think the absurdity of his favorite satire site getting suspended factored into his decision. Perhaps it was the last straw.” It’s no secret that the world’s richest person...

RAT LAND—A rat colony underneath Washington, D.C. recently became aware of a surface world with blue skies, warm sunlight, and abundant garbage. The colony, ruled by a council of noble volunteers, was planning a great move to the "land of plenty" until it was discovered to be infested with hundreds of politicians. "Ewww! No wonder our ancestors made their home in the bowels of the earth," said Whisker Nosewrangle in ancient Sumerian, the language all rats speak. "Disgusting!" "Rats, it is hereby forbidden to breach the surface," said a representative of the rat council. "The way is shut! We cannot...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson started her Senate confirmation hearings today. She has become known as a judge with a history of giving light sentences to sex offenders and pedophiles, but she's not too worried as she's being questioned by a roomful of sex offenders and pedophiles. "Thank you for being here, and thank you for the light sentence you gave me last year," said 371-year-old Senator and prolific sex offender Dick Durban. "We know you'll be a great addition to the Supreme Court." "Welp! I think we've seen enough! You're in!" he said, slamming his notebook shut....

So The Babylon Bee hilariously named Rachel Levine its "Man of the Year," playing off the fact that USA Today even more hilariously named Levine its "Woman of the Year" despite the fact that Rachel Levine (AKA Richard Levine) is a biological male.Here's the Bee article that got the world's best satire company, and our beloved sister site, booted from Twitter:The Babylon Bee's Man Of The Year Is Rachel Levine

he Biden Admin has announced plans for 500 million new masks which will be shipped out for free to U.S. residents. These masks will have a brand-new design feature: a small mouth hole so that people can easily smoke their government-issued crack pipes. "We are proud of our equity initiative to send out safe crack-smoking kits to people who desperately need them," said Press Secretary Psaki. "Unfortunately, wearing masks can make smoking crack more difficult, which disproportionately affects mask-wearing crack-smokers of color. These new masks are meant to address that problem." The new masks will feature a small mouth hole...

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Biden administration will be providing free crack pipes to crack addicts, but only if they can show valid proof of vaccination against COVID-19. Jen Psaki shared further details regarding Biden's new proposal during her daily press briefing. "The president feels, and we agree, that people are going to smoke crack anyway. We might as well give them safe crack so they can hit a sweet high without fear of overdose. We're doing this to save Black lives." "But only if they're vaccinated."