Free Republic

he Biden Admin has announced plans for 500 million new masks which will be shipped out for free to U.S. residents. These masks will have a brand-new design feature: a small mouth hole so that people can easily smoke their government-issued crack pipes. "We are proud of our equity initiative to send out safe crack-smoking kits to people who desperately need them," said Press Secretary Psaki. "Unfortunately, wearing masks can make smoking crack more difficult, which disproportionately affects mask-wearing crack-smokers of color. These new masks are meant to address that problem." The new masks will feature a small mouth hole...

OTTAWA—Truckers taking part in the Freedom Convoy have had their GoFundMe page reinstated after employing a clever tactic: burning cop cars, trashing minority neighborhoods, and looting Nike Stores to trick GoFundMe into allowing them back on the platform. Smart! "Er -- racial justice or whatever, eh?!" shouted one trucker disguised in a bandana, holding a fist of justice into the air. "We're fightin' for them, you know, them black folks and what-not, I tell you what, eh? "All cops must die!" he added, before quickly adding, "Sorry." After seeing the police cars burning throughout Ottawa, the smoke rising from black...

Funny parody of the FBI and the Jan 6 "insurrection". Only 2 minutes 57 seconds long.

SANTA MONICA, CA—Activision surprised the gaming world with a new game trailer revealing the next game in the popular Call of Duty series. Set to be released any day now, Call of Duty: Rittenhouse lets you defend your home from a horde of bloodthirsty communists. “Developers have toiled this past year without sleep, food, or contact with loved ones, so we could launch this politically poignant and incredibly fulfilling game in time for the Holidays and the jury’s verdict of not guilty,” said Activision CEO, Roberto Activision. Some reviewers with advanced copies have expressed worry about how the game presents...

With former President Bill Clinton released from the hospital after a serious infection, hospital flamethrower crews have arrived on site to disinfect his hotel room. "This is just our standard procedure whenever Bill Clinton visits a hospital, but we've never seen anything like this," said pyro-disinfection Team Leader Chet Cordray. "He had every infection in the book. Three of our staff got chlamydia just walking into the room." "We have no choice but to torch the entire room before the deadly infections spread and threaten the rest of the world's populations." As soon as he finished speaking, an oozing cluster...

KABUL—In a last-ditch effort to halt the advance of Taliban forces rampaging through the capital of Afghanistan, the Biden Administration is sending an elite squad of America's best TikTok influencers. "I'm sorry it has come to this, but I'm left with no other choice," said Biden to a chocolate eclair in the Camp David situation room as beloved TikTok star Benny Drama and others parachuted from a C-130 into Kabul. "If anyone can influence those Gen Z Taliban youth, it's those flamboyant youngsters. Man, I'll bet they smell real good too." According to sources on the ground, Benny Drama was...

NEW YORK CITY, NY—Compassionate progressives across the country are praising New York City Mayor Bill DeBlasio for his "bold, courageous" decision to bring segregation to New York. "Studies show that 65% of black New York residents are unvaccinated, so this will affect them disproportionately, and that's actually a good thing," said DeBlasio in a statement. "We just want everyone to be healthy, and anyone who refuses to get the vaccine should be considered less than human and be excluded from participating in society. It's the compassionate—and scientific—thing to do!" The new "separate, but equal, for public health" policy will take...

To commemorate Biden securing a 16 cent savings on barbecue expenses for every American this year, the U.S. Treasury has announced the minting of a new 16 cent coin featuring Biden's likeness stamped on them. "This will be an eternal symbol of America's gratitude for Biden securing such a life-changing amount of savings for us all," said Treasury Spokesperson Marc Monopoly. "For all time, the memory of our great leader will be immortalized on this really handy 16 cent piece, forever reminding the American people what Joe Biden did for them in the summer of 2021." Now, whenever Americans go...

Some of the new penalties being introduced include: Failure to skip Failure to cuddle after contact Badly coordinated outfit Not enough men on the field Delay of coming out Being Tim Tebow Not enough holding "We recognize that these penalties read like a bunch of bad jokes written by straight men, but this is the fi-- stop laughing! This is the first step towards a more inclusive NFL. Stop laughing!" explained Goodell.

In a rare picture of bipartisanship, Americans from both sides of the aisle say they will continue to wear masks while in the Walmart bathroom. 100% of Democrats and 100% of Republicans both said they would continue wearing the masks whenever they are forced through some cruel twist of fate to enter the Walmart bathroom, no matter what their position on masking is outside the restrooms at America's favorite superstore. "Usually, we find that positions on masking are split roughly along partisan lines," said Dr. Shelby Prior, head of mask research at UC Davis. "But the incredible thing here is...

President Biden is doing a great job getting rid of evil sources of energy like coal and gas, and replacing them with good energy-- like wind, solar, and baby unicorn whispers. Unfortunately, it seems that some of you may have lost your jobs as a result. Never fear! Biden has promised to replace your jobs with much better jobs that don't make Mother Gaia cry. Here are 9 exciting new opportunities for laid-off oil and gas workers: #1 Installing urinals in girls' bathrooms - There are over 120 million buildings in the US. That's 120 million girls' bathrooms that will...