Posted on 02/27/2002 4:20:00 AM PST by Pharmboy
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
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Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hi, George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"
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Understanding Engineers - Take Four
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.
In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. Finally, at the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and said, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1; Knowing where to put it $49,999. It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.
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Understanding Engineers - Take Five
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.
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Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
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Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." --Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle
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Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they asked.
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
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Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over,picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
Oh....like this one you posted under Philosophy? Fresh News.
Regards
alfa6 ;>}
Mama Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Engineers(Words by Harrison Bergeron, © 1999)
(Sung to the familiar Willy Nelson tune about Cowboys)Mama don't let your babies grow up to be engineers
Don't let them fix radars for middle class bucks
Make 'em be cowboys and bikers and such
Mama don't let your babies grow up to be engineers
They'll work overtime and they'll never be home
Not even with someone they loveEngineers ain't easy to love and they're harder to hold
They'd rather give you Dolby Surround than diamonds or gold
Palm pilot on belt loop and high water pants
Every day goes the same way
And if you don't annoy him and he don't complain
He'll probably rewire the house(Repeat Chorus)
An engineer loves sweaty computer shows and new sci fi movies
Microprocessors and robots and socks that are white
Them that don't know him won't like him and them that do
Sometimes won't know how to take him
He's not weird he's just different and his pride won't let him
Ever be anything other than right
Yes, IR12.
One day he found his assistant frantically preparing a huge report. They had ordered a gold-plated mirror and the purchasing dept. demanded a justification--saying the gold-plating was an unneccessary luxury. Equations and paragraphs flew. Von Braun stopped him and threw it all out. "Tell them that we ordered a gold-plated mirror because a solid-gold mirror would be too expensive."
They got the mirror.
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What we call "Fourth-of-July sparklers" are known in Germany as "Christmas sparklers." Von Braun ordered 100 in June for rocket ignition tests.
"Why did you buy Christmas sparklers in June?" came a question from on high.
"For experiments." This was the complete text of Von Braun's reply.
A short interval passed.
"What kind of experiments?" was the next question.
"Secret experiments."
End of matter.
--Boris
I'm NOT an engineer, but a friend of mine is. I'm going to have to send these along...
An engineer was scheduled to be executed during the French Revolution. He was strapped into the guillotine, and the blade was raised, up, and up, and up, and at the top the executioner pulled the string. Down fell the blade, stopping six inches from the exposed neck of the victim.
"Sacre bleu! Let him up," said the executioner. The engineer got up, examined the track, and exclaimed "oh, here - I've found the problem..."
Actually, this joke is based on a true story. Steinmetz pulled this on Henry Ford back in the early years of the 20th century.
The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards, but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio.
"Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and vanishes for good.
"Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either."
"What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two of you, that was a perfect shot!"
(*) How they knew it was a deer:
The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it must be a deer.
The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it to a previously solved problem.
The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.
FReegards,
Max (i = physicist)
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