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Dear Diary,
Just moved to Yuma! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol’ Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now; $225,000 house and I can’t even go inside. Lomita was the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:
Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:
If another wiseass cracks, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass and baked cat.

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do crap for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can’t live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? “Hot enough for you today?” My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Arizona . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

The flip side...

Dear Diary:

Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Minnesota. It is so beautiful
here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a
beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see
the change in the seasons. This is truly God’s Country.

Oct. 14 - Minnesota is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the
real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude
of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and
yellows, they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the
beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so
graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on
Earth. This must be paradise.

Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can’t imagine why anyone
would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very
symbol of peace and tranquility here in Minnesota. I hope it snows
soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful
sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak
tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and
swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp,
clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the
snowplow came down the street. He must have gotten too close to
the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the
driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I
love it here!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute
little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love
it here!

Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to
work in time. I’m exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that
snowplow!

Dec. 21 - More of that white shit coming down. I’ve got blisters
on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow
driver waits around the corner until I’m done shoveling the
driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin’ snow. If I ever get my
hands on the sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I’ll
castrate him. And why don’t they use more salt on these roads to
melt this crap??

Dec. 28 - It hasn’t stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been
inside since then, except of course when that SOB “Snowplow Harry”
comes by. Can’t go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows.
Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea
how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??

Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it’s coming down it won’t melt
until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and
the shit head actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a
shovel! I told him I’d broken 6 already this season.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get
some food and a goddamn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit
the bastard. It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts
ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you
ask me.

Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the
snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak
tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have
cut that old piece of shit into fireplace wood when I had the
chance.

May 23 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the
whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn
salt they dump on the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of
rusted cow shit.

May 10 - Sold the car, the house, and moved to Georgia. I can’t
imagine why anyone in their freakin’ mind would ever want to live
in the God forsaken State of Minnesota.

YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN. . . .

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?!”

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk. Ah, what a place to call home.