(-:(-:(-:THE OFFICIAL FRIDAY SILLINESS THREAD:-):-):-)

About retirement…

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree’s bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What’s the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don’t retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who continues to work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break
.
Question: What’s the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one can call your parents.

Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Question: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday to Friday; Nothing, Saturday & Sunday I rest.

Dear Diary,
Just moved to Yuma! Now this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It is beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:
Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:
The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least, it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:
Fell asleep by the community pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:
I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol’ Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:
The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:
Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now; $225,000 house and I can’t even go inside. Lomita was the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:
Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:
If another wiseass cracks, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:
Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire. My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass and baked cat.

Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do crap for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can’t live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:
Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he asked me??? “Hot enough for you today?” My sister had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Arizona . What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?? Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

The flip side...

Dear Diary:

Aug. 12 - Moved into our new home in Minnesota. It is so beautiful
here. The hills and river valleys are so picturesque. I have a
beautiful old oak tree in my front yard. Can hardly wait to see
the change in the seasons. This is truly God’s Country.

Oct. 14 - Minnesota is such a gorgeous place to live, one of the
real special places on Earth. The leaves are turning a multitude
of different colors. I love all of the shades of reds, oranges and
yellows, they are so bright. I want to walk through all of the
beautiful hills and spot some white tail deer. They are so
graceful, certainly they must be the most peaceful creatures on
Earth. This must be paradise.

Nov. 11 - Deer season opens this week. I can’t imagine why anyone
would want to shoot these elegant animals. They are the very
symbol of peace and tranquility here in Minnesota. I hope it snows
soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. I woke to the usual wonderful
sight: everything covered in a beautiful blanket of white. The oak
tree is magnificent. It looks like a postcard. We went out and
swept the snow from the steps and driveway. The air is so crisp,
clean and refreshing. We had a snowball fight. I won, and the
snowplow came down the street. He must have gotten too close to
the driveway because we had to go out and shovel the end of the
driveway again. What a beautiful place. Nature in harmony. I
love it here!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it! The plow did his cute
little trick again. What a rascal. A winter wonderland. I love
it here!

Dec. 19 - More snow - couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to
work in time. I’m exhausted from all of the shoveling. And that
snowplow!

Dec. 21 - More of that white shit coming down. I’ve got blisters
on my hands and a kink in my back. I think that the snowplow
driver waits around the corner until I’m done shoveling the
driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 - White Christmas? More freakin’ snow. If I ever get my
hands on the sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I’ll
castrate him. And why don’t they use more salt on these roads to
melt this crap??

Dec. 28 - It hasn’t stopped snowing since Christmas. I have been
inside since then, except of course when that SOB “Snowplow Harry”
comes by. Can’t go anywhere, cars are buried up to the windows.
Weather man says to expect another 10 inches. Do you have any idea
how many shovelfuls 10 inches is??

Jan. 1 - Happy New Year? The way it’s coming down it won’t melt
until the 4th of July! The snowplow got stuck down the road and
the shit head actually had the balls to come and ask to borrow a
shovel! I told him I’d broken 6 already this season.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house. We went to the store to get
some food and a goddamn deer ran out in front of my car and I hit
the bastard. It did $3,000 in damage to the car. Those beasts
ought to be killed. The hunters should have a longer season if you
ask me.

Jan. 27 - Warmed up a little and rained today. The rain turned the
snow into ice and the weight of it broke the main limb of the oak
tree in the front yard and it went through the roof. I should have
cut that old piece of shit into fireplace wood when I had the
chance.

May 23 - Took my car to the local garage. Would you believe the
whole underside of the car is rusted away from all of that damn
salt they dump on the road? Car looks like a bashed up, heap of
rusted cow shit.

May 10 - Sold the car, the house, and moved to Georgia. I can’t
imagine why anyone in their freakin’ mind would ever want to live
in the God forsaken State of Minnesota.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting.

Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this “all-girls” trip.

It will be my first one, - and I can’t wait!

DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 2,600 lives.

Twice

Top tip: if you’re camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it’s so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it’s not necessarily an invitation to casual sex. Wish me luck.....I appear in court next Monday.

A fat girl served me food in McDonald’s at lunch time. She said, ‘sorry about the wait.’ I said, ‘don’t worry, you’re bound to lose it eventually.’

I was behind a rather large woman at the checkout. She had on a pair of jeans that said, ‘Guess.’ I said, “I don’t know........maybe 350 pounds.”

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself “fat chance with a face like that!”

Years ago it was suggested ‘that an apple a day kept the doctor away.’ But since many doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works best.

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