Posted on 08/22/2015 7:43:13 PM PDT by PROCON
I am sorry. To all you moms out there who can’t go out to eat because your kid screams and ruins your dinner, I am so sorry. Until now, I’ve been incredibly spoiled and I may have even thought it was your fault that your kid was screaming during dinner. (I may have judged you a little.) My first two children–girls–were what we called white-tablecloth babies. We could take them to the best upscale restaurant on the Magnificent Mile and they wouldn’t make a peep. They would eat their dinner and play with a toy and everyone would smile at them and compliment me. I thought I was soooooo good at this mothering thing. What a fool I was.
My darling son just turned one. This is the one who already got me yelled at on a plane (another first). He has one volume: LOUD. He screams if his food isn’t in front of him quickly enough, when he runs out of zucchini and hot dogs, when he’s thirsty, tired, angry, happy, sticky, uncomfortable, bored, or just having fun. He has one mode of communication: screaming. This is not a discipline issue. He can’t be “disciplined” yet. He’s a baby. (The first person to say “spank him” in the comments section loses. You don’t spank a baby.) You can’t even really speak harshly to a baby. It makes the screaming worse! The only thing you can do is hurry up and leave the restaurant, change his scenery, play peek-a-boo, give him your keys, your necklace, the ten different toys in the baby bag, your wallet, your dignity and pray it stops. My God, it’s horrible!
Don’t get me wrong. I adore this kid, but I’ve never heard so much screaming this side of Hell. I’m sure it will lessen when he can talk and communicate with us, but as it is, we are drowning in shrieking over here. I hesitate to say, “I can’t wait for this stage to be over” because the next one that comes is the whining stage and that one’s no picnic either. What the heck happened to my quiet baby who nursed half the day and slept the rest of the time? Why do I feel like I’ve never done this before and most importantly, will I ever eat out with my family again?
Not only does he scream, but he misses his mouth most of the time (see “Why My Kitchen Floor is Always Disgusting“) and the whole floor around him is peppered with bits of half-chewed food. It’s so embarrassing. Mr. Fox and I had an emergency meeting about the dining-out behavior tonight. We are about to go out of town for two days and we’ve decided we should bring food and just eat in our room. It’s that bad. And I’m a veteran mother! This is number three! If I am not doing well, how much worse is it for you first timers? I’m so sorry! I feel you, sister!
So here’s my best advice if you’re facing a similar problem:
1.It’s not your fault.
2.Vodka is your friend.
3.If you must go out to eat, go to the next town to the loudest place you can find (where no one knows you) and leave a big tip.
4.Leave him with a babysitter until he’s 10.
Above all, the days are long, but the years are short, so it will end sooner than you think it will. Until then, you’ll find me slinking out of public places with a shrieking baby, trying not to be recognized.
It was difficult with my son. He would start screaming immediately and keep screaming until his face turned blue, with his fists and butt cheeks clenched. Only once his entire lung was empty of air would he breath in for another breath.
My daughter was easy. She would start to inhale and keep inhaling until her lungs were bursting full. It would give me time to exit the restaurant or store before she would scream.
Good times...
Cook for your kids. Let, no make the kids help. It builds character. While you are at it, cut the cord on the headphones, and talk. Kids are born retarded but can recover.
Thread winner snick :)
Another few minutes and I gave them the hairy eyeball.
Finally, I got fed up and mentioned to them that "somebody needs a spanking".
THAT sent the "mother" into hysterics.
How dare I tell THEM how to handle their child.
I then calmly told her, that it wasn't the child that needed the beating, but her.
That got dad all suddenly big and brave. He decides to get out of the booth to confront me.
I then advised him that he didn't have the balls to handle his own 4 year old child, that he most definitely didn't have the balls to handle me. And that if was smart, that he'd sit back down and shut up, while he was still able.
To which, the wife grabbed the pants back and announced that they didn't have to take this and that they were leaving.
They stopped at the front and talked to the manager, who seemed to apologize and tell them there was nothing he could do. So they huffily left.
The manager then came by and apologized and took my check. He then brought us out dessert, which we never ordered.
Some people have really good hearing and the best way to describe it is we can't distinguish real well sounds in the distance and sounds near by. I'm not a control freak. It's just that darn kid, sounds like it's at my table screaming in my ear.
That crying baby? Maybe doesn't like eating in those unfamiliar environments. Stubborn, independent infant? Avoid restaurants or eat early before there are many people there.
Born Retarded,,,
Great Rock group!
Get his hearing checked.
Can anybody say saltiness crackers while strapped in a car seat while the rest of the family eats yummy take-out in front of the screamer?
Screaming stops, they share. Otherwise, enjoy the saltines.
Argh! That’s so depressing what you say. :(
Thank you for that photo of Ms. Fox. Not that I’d forgotten how attractive she is, but it’s always nice to be reminded.
Don't be too sure of that.
2.Vodka is your friend.
No it isn't.
3.If you must go out to eat, go to the next town to the loudest place you can find (where no one knows you) and leave a big tip.
The baby doesn't need more examples of how acceptable loudness is -- and I suspect he's already had one significant example.
4.Leave him with a babysitter until he’s 10.
Back at #2 I was going to say, "Get help," and I knew I was saving it for something even more extreme than the vodka endorsement. Get help.
Memories are great, but nothing like living it. Kids are all graduated from college and off getting good careers started, so we are very happy for them and are blessed they are all doing well. It’s just a fact of life as the author said: Days are long, years are short. Make the most of every day the Lord blessed you with.
For thousands of years humans managed to exist without taking screaming offspring to restaurants.
When the behavior gets out of hand in public, I will usually say “somebody needs a nap”. Which is most likely the problem. I believe too many kids are shuffled around here and there at all hours of the day and night. They’re on mom’s schedule when really, the child needs to be home napping, or tucked in for the night.
This was never a problem. If you set clear and reasonable expectations everything falls into place. My kids never knew any different.
I have an eight-year-old daughter and it just makes me sad thinking about her growing up!
Much of Mrs. Fox’s article is satire along with her outpouring of misery.
Agree. When our children were young we made the decision that we would not inflect them on people trying to enjoy a dinner out and only took them to fast food joints. Worked well. By the time we figured they were trained enough to enjoy a meal in a restaurant with civilized people, they were all three out of high school and really were pretty well mannered. Except for only one or two occasions.
I am aware that she is making light of it, when her child has a serious problem about which she seems to be incurious. Satire ought to be amusing; this is appalling.
“For thousands of years humans managed to exist without taking screaming offspring to restaurants.”
You make an excellent point! I’ll add to it that for thousands of years, there were times that a screaming child could quite literally mean death to the mother and child, and/or others also in the vicinity of the screamer.
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