Posted on 08/30/2015 3:41:30 PM PDT by lee martell
My father passed away earlier this month at age 86. I traveled from California to Michigan for the memorial service. My oldest sister took charge in getting all the hard work done. She's always been the responsible one, even now. She wrote the obit, contacted friends, ordered the flowers, and booked a room at a local funeral parlor.
I offered to help her, but being out of town, it was practical that she and my other siblings make the necessary connections. My Dad used to coach boxing, and there were many, many people there, giving heartfelt testimonials. At first, I was consumed in my own grief, then I thought he would want us to welcome those folks who took the time and drove over, ready to talk about his positive influence. Actually, focusing on the many guests, introductions and personal stories helped all of us family members to get through this tribute.
My only regret is that none of the songs my sister chose were from traditional catholic songbooks. We went to a Catholic Grade School, and were used to hearing "Praise to The Lord, The Almighty, or Onward Christian Soldiers. Later we would learn more folky tunes such as "God is Love". All the while, there was a certain reserve and unity in how to sing the songs. Most the music I heard at the memorial sounded like something Whitney Houston would have sung, with a little Areatha Franklin thrown in. Nice performances, but not really Catholic. Of course I knew better than to say anything about it to any family member. People can be extremely sensitive during the big changes, such as weddings, funeral, births and graduations. I didn't want any unnecessary grudges to begin. Not to mention, I was grateful at how well the ceremony turned out. I suppose I should not have been surprised, as many Catholic churches in that area have been sounding more and more Baptist or Gospel like for the last 20 years. It may have something to do with the high population of black christians in the area.
I'm happy that I kept my mouth shut about the music. However, let me share one last bit with you. Earlier this year, I had a feeling that this would be my father's last year in this existence. I thought I should be ready with a good suit. I got a suit, dress shirt and new silk tie. When I was packing my clothes to return to California after the service, I realized something very private: I could never wear that suit again, because of all the grief it had absorbed in the first wearing. I know it sounds crazy, but I related to my clothes in that way. I said nothing to my family, but I threw the suit, dress shirt and silk tie, into the garbage pile. The suit had but one purpose for me, and that purpose had now been fullfulled.
Condolences.
So sorry for your loss. Blessings.
Thank you. The grief comes in waves, like an electric current, or a bolt of lightening. One has to allow it to pass through you. Then it’s over for a while.
Next year it will be ten years since my father passed. It gets a little better with time, but that empty space in my heart will never be filled. I am just thankful I had him for as long as I did.
Condolences.
I’m very sorry about your loss. My father died last November after a long battle with Alzheimers.
If you left your sister in charge and she chose non-Catholic music, that’s just what you get. Funny story, a deacon at our parish in Oklahoma died, and at the service for his viewing, one of our parishioners who had been a Methodist minister and a Gospel singer sang, “How Beautiful,” by Twila Paris.
Later, he got up to talk about the deacon, who had been instrumental in his conversion, and said, “If Lee were able to talk to me right now, he would say, ‘Damn it, Larry! Why couldn’t you sing something Catholic?’!”
I like that story. Sometimes you just have to say what’s on your mind.
lee, I’ve seen your posts over the years and have liked them a lot.
Don’t worry - you did all you could. We had a funeral of a former priest in our cathedral for which my sister, an organist and choir director, had been asked by the family to provide music. This included some of the music that the former priest had loved and had asked his wife (married, obviously, after he left the priesthood) to make sure were sung at his funeral if he predeceased her.
But then the cathedral rector shut it all down, kicked my sister out, and reduced the family celebration to the world’s most awful music hacked out by the ten-left-thumbs music director. The latter did it because he held the chair and wanted the money. But apparently, the rector perceived the deceased’s last request as too conservative and a challenge to him (the rector).
I’m sure neither the deceased’s wife and family nor the organist (my sister) had anything like that in mind, but you can’t control the nuttiness of a parish or pastor.
In short, it’s not your fault, you did what you could, and Our Lord has already got it under control. Blessings.
I threw away the clothes and shoes I wore to my kid’s funeral, too
Understand completely
Condolences, It has been 32 since my father passed, and I still find myself thinking: What would dad say?
Condolences. But look at it this way, you did not have to listen to any Marty Haugen pablum. Haugen is not even Catholic (he’s United Church of Christ, which is dead dead liberal), yet somehow he worked his way into the current Catholic hymnal, along with his colleague Dan Schutte.
I am sorry for your loss.
I am sorry for the lost opportunity for a poor, underemployed, or homeless person to wear the suit that you could not bear to wear again.
You denied yourself a blessing by failing to bless an anonymous stranger.
Sorry for your loss. This reminds me of attending a nice Baptist wedding where we arrived early to get a seat. I picked up the hymnal and scanned the index. Not a single song with the name Mary in it. I thought, how weird, to shun the Virgin Mary but I was Catholic and that is how I think. But it was a nice wedding in any case. It would have been better with Ave Maria.
All of us neglect acts of christian charity from time to time... This human being is grieving... and shared a private thought. Christ commands us to love our neighbor not only in worldly donations but in spiritual charity as well... perhaps you have denied yourself a blessing.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
The Ave Maria was composed by Franz Schubert and is one of my favorite songs when performed by someone with a strong voice. I seem to recall a Christmas album from the 60’s that had Ana Maria Alberghetti singing it. This is a song that sounds convincing in the original german, even if, like me, you are not fluent in german. The German versions seem best when a man’s baritone is used.
Now that you note that, I have only heard wonderful renditions by female singers. Truly great. It would be interesting to hear a male voice. I may look for that. thanks
Is there really such a collection of writings as The Vulgate Bible? Of course Mozart wrote scores of wonderful pieces. One composition I rarely hear is from the play Idomeneo.
The Ave Maria must be sung at Italian weddings. If not, there are persistent doubts about the validity of the marriage. Also it must be sung at Italian funeral masses. You don’t want to know the consequences of a purposeful or even accidental omission.
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