How do you survive a male mid-life crisis? (Vanity)

[ScubieNuc]

Midlife Conundrum

How does it happen? You marry your High School sweetheart, get a dependable job, do all the “right things”, and you still get a nagging feeling that something about you is dieing?

I shouldn’t feel this way. I am blessed beyond what I deserve. I have smart, beautiful, healthy kids. I have a wife that loves me. I am a respected member of my community, and yet I feel in a rut.

Two thoughts come to mind….First one is call the “Whaaaambulance”, suck it up, and quit whining. Problem with that is that the "dieing in a rut" feeling doesn’t go away, it gets worse.

Second thought is to tell my wife about this. Problem with that is that she has lost her self confidence and will regress into a belief that she has failed me, and shut down in a “woe is me” fit.

Obviously, there are many reasons for this growing impasse. Some of my problems are tied to the fact that I am not a romantic cuss. I hate Valentines day, I don’t get excited about mine or others birthdays, I don’t memorize anniversary details, I laugh during sappy movies, and I believe in practical gifts instead of sappy gifts.

I figured that substance over flash would win out, but I am finding out that is not always the case. While I’m trying to do more flash, it seems fake. I’m sure that there is more that I’m missing about my faults, but my main point is that I know that I have things to work on to improve our relationship.

I know that one of our problems centers around…..Gasp, sex. I always have to instigate. It is beginning to feel as though I’m her slave. I put my feelings out there to get them shot down at least 60% of the time. Since she doesn’t instigate, it feels as though she doesn’t get excited by me. She thinks instigating is facing me in bed, or a longer kiss at bed time. Those are just signals that she is interested, but it definitely isn’t pursuing me. We have talked about this but nothing has changed. The problem now is that I am becoming less and less interested in instigating, which means less and less sex. Less sex has lowered her self esteem, which means even a lower chance of her instigating. I am beginning to see a seriously bad downward spiral.

The main reason I putting this out there is that maybe talking about it, will help me find some tools or encouragement to save my marriage. I am being drawn toward the allure of something more exciting, but I don’t want to ruin what I have or what my wife and kids have. I truly love my wife and kids, but I yearn deeply to have that newlywed excitement again and to feel desired. I don’t want to do what is wrong. Help!

[bikepacker67]

Buy yourself a 'vette.

Seriously though:

She thinks instigating is facing me in bed, or a longer kiss at bed time. Those are just signals that she is interested, but it definitely isn’t pursuing me.

If she 'gets into it' does it really matter who 'instigates'? (I think you meant 'initiates' ;-)

[ShadowDancer]

Jesus, isn't anything private anymore?

[1FASTGLOCK45]

1: You need a family vacation or a getaway for just you and her.

2: By the Vette like the other guy mentioned.

3: Start a business/hobby you enjoy.

4: Join the US military and get free food and ammo and blow up some terrorists.

5: Join politics, tear some demorat bungholes (options 4,5 will make you feel great !)

6: Same as #3 above but do one that you can involve your family and you'll all enjoy doing together.

7: Suck it up, you got it going on, like you said, you got kids and wife you love. It doesn't get better than that.

8: Talking about is good, talking will help work it out of your system.

[ScubieNuc]

"...does it really matter who 'instigates'?"

For the first 18 years of marriage, it didn't seem to matter to me, but lately it matters. Sex should be about feeling desired, not just some physical exercise.

[muir_redwoods]

Here's what worked for me. Outlive your wife at 53 and continue on alone raising your three kids. It's amazing but I just don't have time for a mid-life crisis any more.

Suck it up!

[ScubieNuc]

"Jesus, isn't anything private anymore?"

I'm still anonymous. Plus, I think this should be talked about. With the divorce rate in America so high, I'm sure that I am not the only person to go through this.

Sorry if I grossed you out, but I am serious about looking for insight.

Sincerely

[bikepacker67]

For the first 18 years of marriage, it didn't seem to matter to me, but lately it matters.

OK, but all of a sudden you expect her to do a 180 after 18 years? Your wife sounds like she's a bit shy about initiating. Maybe 'being the pursuer' makes her feel dirty - who knows what's going on in her head... DO YOU?

[Michael Goldsberry]

Talk more about this with your wife. Never, ever keep any secrets between you.

Tell her just what you've told us here. In fact, print this thread and give it to her.

She'll either jump you right then or kill you. Either way, problem solved.

[ShadowDancer]

You have no qualms about asking 100,000 complete strangers about your marital problems when you haven't even discussed it with your wife. Gee, you think you might have missed a step in the process?

And then there's this:

Problem with that is that she has lost her self confidence and will regress into a belief that she has failed me, and shut down in a “woe is me” fit.

If this is the normal way that you treat/speak to your wife, count your blessings that you have gotten any in the last 18 years.

[Darkwolf377]

The deadliest thing for a relationship is keeping secrets. Even if she doesn't knwo WHAT the secret is, she knows there IS a secret, and that's poisonous.

Tell her.

[ShadowDancer]

Unless she is completely insane, it's definitely going to be the latter of the two.

[backhoe]

Well, free advice is usually worth about what you paid for it, but...

1)- talk to your wife. Don't let barriers grow between you.
2)- do something different. Sounds like you both are in a rut. The 'Vette isn't a bad idea, just get her something, too.

And remember this- we never pass this way again, and there is a clock running out on all of us. I buried my first wife at age 31. If you need to say, or do something, do it now.

[ScubieNuc]

1: You need a family vacation or a getaway for just you and her.

Good idea.

2: By the Vette like the other guy mentioned.

Not a finacial option. Besides, things don't desire you.

3: Start a business/hobby you enjoy.

My hobby of running/exercising takes time away from her and the family. I still do some, but it creates a negative effect. Starting a business is not an option I can pursue at this time.

4: Join the US military and get free food and ammo and blow up some terrorists.

I would love to re-up if I could be guaranteed to go over to Iraq/Afganistan. However, I believe my time has past. It's more important for me to train up my kids, then to leave them to obtain personal satisfaction.

5: Join politics, tear some demorat bungholes (options 4,5 will make you feel great !)

I am a regular "letter to the editor" writter. Attacking Liberals is fun for me, but my wife gets annoyed and imbarassed when I do it. She would rather I just leave the idiots alone.

6: Same as #3 above but do one that you can involve your family and you'll all enjoy doing together.

7: Suck it up, you got it going on, like you said, you got kids and wife you love. It doesn't get better than that.

I believe that to be true, but the action/adventure side of me is not going away. In fact the more I get into a safe routine, the more I desire for adventure. It's like I know what is right, but my body and soul are still seaking adventure.

8: Talking about is good, talking will help work it out of your system.

That's why I posted it. Hopefully, I can find my way out of this valley, without harming those I love.

Thanks for your input.

[ScubieNuc]

"Maybe 'being the pursuer' makes her feel dirty - who knows what's going on in her head... DO YOU?"

I think that you are on to something. I have tried talking with her about it, but she gets quiet, and doesn't elaborate. I think it does make her feel dirty. I have tried to figure out what she is thinking, but that is a mystery she has not completely revealed to me.

[ScubieNuc]

"She'll either jump you right then or kill you. Either way, problem solved."

I can guarantee you that she would not "jump me right then." She would feel very angry and exposed, even though no one knows who I am or who she is. Problem would not be solved. Problem would be exaserbated!

[ScubieNuc]

You have no qualms about asking 100,000 complete strangers about your marital problems when you haven't even discussed it with your wife."

I have discussed the "bedroom issues" with her, but have gotten no where.

Do you honestly think I should tell her that I have been feeling like pursueing people that have shown interest in me? Two of her friends are going through, and finishing up divorses. She is overweight and can't seem to lose it. If I told her something like that, she would always assume, whenever I was late fishing or coming home, or whatever, that I was out pursueing. That would be a loss of trust that would be on her mind forever. I would rather "talk" to anonymous people and get it off of my chest, and retain her trust.

[ScubieNuc]

Does your wife know ALL of your secrets?

[ScubieNuc]

"And remember this- we never pass this way again, and there is a clock running out on all of us. I buried my first wife at age 31. If you need to say, or do something, do it now. "

Thank you for your advice. I am sorry for your loss.

[wildcatf4f3]

Get really drunk and stay that way everyday for three years thereby losing your job, your standing in the community, your house, your kids and your wife. Then when you emerge from the Salvation Army rehab clinic and when the diner accepts your application for the dishwashing job you may once again feel that contact with the Lord which is our true knowledge of peace.

or buy a vette.