McDonalds Announces New Line of Hezbollah Happy Meals(Satire)

Counterjab.com ^ | 07/31/2006 | Chris Davis

[writer33]

Oak Brook, IL—In a bold and decisive move, McDonalds is taking the first step in their fight against Israeli aggression right here in the good old United States of America. Beginning August 1, 2006, McDonalds will launch a new line of Happy Meals, calling them their Hezbollah Happy Meals.

Ten percent of all proceeds go directly to support the Hezbollah gorillas in their fight against the invading, Israeli force. Until now, McDonalds has stood on the sidelines, and, according to President Ralph Alvarez, isn’t going to sit around anymore while bloodthirsty Israelis launch an attack on the peace loving people of Palestine.

The decision comes after 18 days of conflict, and the failure of the Pirates of the Caribbean Arch Cards. Ralph Alvarez, President of McDonald’s North America notes that the idea is a gem from the marketing department, and that “the 18-day Israeli aggression should end.”

“We’re an American company, and we just don’t cotton to the idea of nations arbitrarily invading other nations, especially peace loving countries. It happened to America. We’re saying no to Israel and yes to the Hezbollah gorillas. Viva la Hezbollah!”

Mary Dillon, Executive Vice President and Global Chief of Marketing, is the brainchild behind the Hezbollah Happy Meals. Coming from PepsiCo Corporation, Ms. Dillon knows full well what can happen with a bad marketing plan.

“I just don’t want McDonalds to have a Brittney Spears experience,” quipped Ms. Dillon. “I think these new Happy Meals are a winner. If The New York Times is behind Hezbollah, so are we and know the American people are as well. No one is more representing of the American ideals than The New York Times. So you really can’t blame us. This is a real Kroc of an idea!”

The Hezbollah Happy Meals come with four different toys. The meals come for different sexes: a toy for a boy, a toy for a girl, and two different action figures for adults: one male and one female gorilla.

The boy’s toy features a ten-year old boy strapped with dynamite. The girl’s toy features a ten-year old girl strapped with grenades. Adults will each receive a Hezbollah man or woman gorilla, depending on gender, holding an AK-47 while making an obscene gesture with their fingers.

Tuesday, August 1, 2006, many of the New York McDonalds will begin giving out Palestinian and Lebanese flags to the first 1,000 Hezbollah Happy Meal customers as part of the new promotion. Employees have also been instructed to greet customers this way: “Welcome to McDonalds. How about a Hezbollah Happy Meal? They’re only three dollars today.” Anyone purchasing a Hezbollah Happy Meal will receive a handshake from employees and a heart felt thank you: “Thank you for choosing McDonalds and for supporting Hezbollah.”

“It’s about time somebody in the United States did something to support the innocent Hezbollah gorillas,” stated Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-NY. “We’re always hearing Israel this and Israel that…blah, blah, blah. I, for one, am sick and tired of hearing about poor little Israel. As usual, Israel gets the golden boy treatment while women and children are slaughtered. We’ve been pampering those people for far too long. I think McDonalds has a winner. I know I’ll be the first in line to buy a Hezbollah Happy Meal.”

The 1500 protestors that marched across the Brooklyn Bridge, Saturday, July 29, 2006, noted that they would be among many to buy their Hezbollah Happy Meals and receive their Palestinian flag.

“The ball is in your court America,” fired Tina Nachach, a Lebanese woman, “Your tax money is being wasted, your tax dollars being used to destroy the Middle East. Those who are silent, the American tax payers who are silent are guilty, guilty of war crimes, guilty of killing people and destroying the infrastructure of a country. I want to give my full support for McDonalds. It’s high time somebody in America stepped up in support of Lebanon and Palestine!”

David Bloom, who penned the article, also gave a big finger to Israel. “I’m joining my fellow Hezbollah supporters at 1286 First Avenue McDonalds to get my free Palestinian flag. Keep up the great work, McDonalds. We in the media support you and Hezbollah!”

As the conflict in the Middle East rages on, Israel’s bloodthirsty, egocentric invasion has finally reached the pinnacle of human rights violation. Since there’s been no action from the Bush administration, someone had to step up to stop the atrocities. McDonalds has snapped and the fight is on for peace in the Middle East once again.

This time the heavyweights are in the corner of the Hezbollah patriots, and it may all be over for the state of Israel.

[writer33]

Ping!

[writer33]

Ping!

[E.G.C.]

BTTT

[Soaring Feather]

Pong!!Read it.

[EagleUSA]

Yes, it is no joke that Hezzies can come across our "borders" just as easily as any other illegals. And Washington just loves it!! I wonder what the American public is going to do to the open border crowd when the next "9/11" catastrophe detonates??

[EagleUSA]

Oh, yes, I hear McDonalds is including a stick of C4 for all kids in their "Hezzie Meals" that they can strap on and head for thier school yard...

[luvie]

So...will it have a Holy Cow Burger in it?....and Fatwah (sp) Fries?

[Tax-chick]

Funny!

[HopefulPatriot]

Realizing that McDonalds could be trying to coopt the Whopper, I understand that the Jerusalem Burger King has ressponded with a new special for members of Hezbollah, a knuckle sandwich called the Big Whac.

[b4its2late]

If The New York Times is behind Hezbollah, so are we and know the American people are as well.

!!!!

[SouthTexas]

Good one! Back in prime form. :)

[hosepipe]

The New York Times deserves a precision guided bomb on one of the floors(in their building).. as payback for at least a little of this support for murderers using children and women as cannon fodder..

Maybe a few kidnappings and beheadings of various "editors" too..

It is soo obvious what they are doing.. right out in your face..
Support for the most heinous murderers directly in your face.. THAT SHOULD STOP... TODAY.. T..O..D..A..Y

[writer33]

If The New York Times is behind Hezbollah, so are we and know the American people are as well.

It appears that you got the sarcasm.

:-)

[writer33]

Thanks for the bump, E.G.C.

[TigersEye]

Ten percent of all proceeds go directly to support the Hezbollah gorillas ...

I hear they've recruited orangatans too! ;^P

(Sorry, I couldn't pass on that one.)

[Mark]

These kids blow up so fast!

[NYTexan]

McDonalds food has always provided explosive bowel voiding, They should just air drop it all over Lebanon!



Pinging the usual suspects!



(anyone wanting on or off the satire ping list, let me know!)

[A CA Guy]

These days the kids don't even wait to blow up some day like daddy.

[proud_yank]

If The New York Times is behind Hezbollah, so are we and know the American people are as well. No one is more representing of the American ideals than The New York Times.

ROFL! Well worth a read.