Obama Names New GM Board of Directors (satire... sort of)

The Powers That Be ^ | 4-1-09 | Doug Powers

[WrightOnTarget]

Having already unveiled a new logo for the company, President Obama said his administration would now play a key role in naming a new Board of Directors for General Motors, and he has followed through on that promise.

At a press conference earlier today, Obama announced the new GM Board of Directors:

Here's each Board member and President Obama's rationale behind the choice:

1-- Lindsay Lohan: Years of acting experience along with expertise in driving a small, fuel efficient car on a movie set were the determining factors in the Lohan choice. "Finding a skilled actor who can star in our commercials and trick the American public into believing that the government can make a car that actually works was the first piece of the puzzle we had to find. Plus Lindsay's time in 'Herbie Fully Loaded' -- both figuratively and literally -- gave her vast experience in the auto industry," said the president.

2-- Albert Gore, Jr.: Insiders say Obama chose Al Gore for the GM Board because he was impressed with a business acumen that can turn a $2 million net worth into over $100 million based on nothing but fear mongering and highly gullible world leaders. "That's the kind of innovator we're going to need to make this thing work," said Obama.

3-- William Ayers: A White House spokesperson said that Ayers will head up GM's new "Public Transportation" sector, specializing in GM's coming push to sell hybrid school buses that will take children to Obama High every morning. "Nobody knows the underside of a bus better than Mr. Ayers, who, by the way, President Obama has never met," according to the spokesperson.

4-- Barney Frank and those two other guys: "Barney Frank has proven time and time again that nobody knows how to get a square peg out of a round hole like he does," said Obama in a statement released by the White House. "His work in Congress with America's banks is more than enough proof that he deserves to have his skill sets used elsewhere. As you know, the new GM will be moving away from automatic transmissions for global warming reasons, and the Congressman assures me that those two other guys really know their way around a stick, so I have the utmost confidence in Rep. Frank to do to the auto industry what he's done to the banking industry -- and those two other guys for that matter."

5-- Michael Bloomberg: The New York Mayor will oversee production of all "Blow & Go" devices that will be mandatory on all new government-made GM cars. According to Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood, "Mayor Bloomberg will monitor the manufacturing and installation of these safety devices, called 'The Bloomie,' which will disable a car's ignition if the micro-chip detects any hint of trans-fats, salt or smoke on the driver's breath."

6-- Dr. Emmett Brown: Finding environmentally friendly ways to power automobiles will be the number one job of the new GM, and insiders say President Obama was so impressed with Brown's "Mr. Fusion" that he wanted him on the Board. Joe Biden's office said that the Vice President plans to inform President Obama that Dr. Brown isn't a real guy just as soon as the veep gets back from his overseas trip where he's seeking new trade partnerships with any ethnic groups and nationalities he hasn't yet offended.

7-- Gary Coleman: According to Obama, "Damn I liked that Diff'rent Strokes show!" When reached for comment, Coleman said he had no idea why he was made a GM Board member, but he hopes he doesn't let down the president, who according to Coleman, made him say "What'chu talkin' 'bout Prez?" at least a dozen times during the five-minute phone conversation. Coleman gladly accepted Obama's challenge of designing and installing brake pads shaped like the silhouette of Conrad Bain.

8-- Nancy Pelosi: "The Speaker flies everywhere on your dime, often using Air Force planes," the president said, "So the fact that she rarely uses cars and opts for taxpayer-funded private jets makes her the perfect choice to be unbiased when it comes to choosing the best land-based transportation for peasants -- I mean, taxpaying Americans."

9-- Jimmy Carter: Everybody who works in business knows there are frequent disagreements. Former President Carter will mediate all inter-company disputes from his GM office at PLO headquarters in Ramallah. According to Carter's spokesperson, the former president accepted Obama's Board invitation after the administration agreed that the first car they manufacture will be called the "Yassir Aurorafat." Carter says his first order of Board business will be to lobby Congress to have the decal that shows Calvin pissing on a Chevy logo considered a "hate crime."

10-- Wile E. Coyote: "I know this is a cartoon character," said Obama, "But we were looking for a good representation of insane perserverence and mentally-challenged ingenuity in the face of daunting odds and frustrating circumstances, and nothing we came up with symbolized the kind of government-operated business I'm trying to put together like Mr. Coyote."

11-- Teleprompter: "We just couldn't get this massive undertaking off the ground without him," Obama's teleprompter spelled out for the president at the press conference this morning.

Insiders say former President Clinton was offered a Board seat but declined after being informed that they already had somebody to run the Hummer division.