Oh, BTW, I handed mine in about an hour ago....
Gawd yes. I’m a low-level cog, but the “career development tool” wants me to answer questions like I’m a stinkin’ mid-level manager. I’m not going to “drive innovation” or “create followership”. I’m a trained monkey who pushes a button. It’s a damned joke. But if you knew as many HR people like I have, you would understand exactly how it got that way.
My advice: Use Access and Excel to make way cool graphs and charts. Make them pretty.
Worked for me.
oh and p.s. you can do a sarcastic one, just hang it on your frig (providing the boss never comes over) it will make you feel better!! The real “office space” one goes to your boss.
I am in the same situation. Not a good time (with the job market what it is) to make waves. I have been writing the same basic performance review for years and have accumulated a nice library of comments. Mix and match new ones every year and when you get a new boss, you can recycle complete reviews.
Professional Development. Get some “alphabet soup” behind your name.
Cletus D. Yokel, CHMM, CECM
Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible
I loathe that corporate crap. What I’m seeing is, they’re even starting to make the contract workers (like me) participate in this bs. That used to be one of the perks of BEING contract.....not having to put up with the bs. Things change.
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You asked for thoughts. First, could I ask how old you are, and if you need the job?
If you are over 40, and you need the job, you are a stupid moron for putting anything sarcastic in something that may not be read immediately, but will go into your little file for ready reference later if need be. And I understand that stupid, smart @ss morons usually get fired first. Odd thing that.
If you are under 40, and you don't need the job, best of luck to ya. Sarcasm has always seemed to work out real well for me in the corporate world. /sarc
I am a (retired) human resoruces executive and hated this crap with all of my being. The problem is that common sense, good will and trust has been replaced by management theory, political correctness and social engineering.
I am a (retired) human resoruces executive and hated this crap with all of my being. The problem is that common sense, good will and trust has been replaced by management theory, political correctness and social engineering.
First, watch “Office Space” again, then..............
Just play the game and make yourself sound like you hung the moon. It’s just an exercise in keeping the yahoos in the H.R. department employed.
I wouldn’t be sarcastic, and yes I have to do these every year too. The only one I can really give advice on is the human/capital issue. For this one, I generally list any workshops/courses/conferences I would like to attend provided there are funds(with specifics such as how they would help me, cost). Up until this year, I got at least one paid for per year. At the most you have it documented that you are paying attention to what needs to be done for improvement.
I try to put off writing them as long as possible, one year I was able to not write them at all until it came time for my assessment. You are pretty much certain to achieve goals that are written after the fact. LOL
Google "Smart Goals" and try to find all of the buzzwords these types like to see. One year I had a list of about 50 of them and I made it a point to use each and every one at least once.
Other than that be vague when writing them and positive when doing your assessment. Some spin is probably expected so don't be afraid to blow your own horn within reason.
You better hope your manager doesn’t read Free Republic
Use action words whenever possible: created, directed, managed, supported, improved, facilitated, etc. Be specific and use metrics - numerical measurements - wherever possible to demonstrate achievement. Example: don't just say you "led a project" - say you "directed a dedicated team in support of a key management initiative" resulting in the reduction of processing times by an average of "y" minutes or in increase in sales of "x" dollars.
Treat your goals for next year in the same spirit - but make sure you choose ones that are achievable, for which success can be clearly defined. It's always a good idea to talk to your manager beforehand to gauge what they are looking for. Take notes during the meeting and when you do, write down the actual verbs and nouns they use - and use the same ones in describing your goals. Be sure to use a few industry buzzwords - but be careful not to overdo it - two or three will suffice.
Oh, it's BS - but it's good BS. And that's how you get by in Corporate America.
I'd strongly advise against that. Put something positive down, get additional education/qualifications on your own if the company won't pay for it, and keep your resume up to date. Make yourself valuable, stay positive, be prepared for new opportunities and always remember it is your career, not the company's career.
Don't ever allow poor management to ruin your attitude and if you find yourself surrounded by negative people, run away because negativism is highly contagious and the single biggest career killer.
Just my humble advice.
I counsel you to take this as seriously as you can. At the very least it is a hoop that you must successfully jump thru in order to keep your job. Potentially your management could be taking it very seriously and may be using it as a means to weed out the clowns and keep the people that can align themselves with the organization’s goals.
Quality: you’ve got that one figured out already. I’ve been a Computer Programmer before (that’s what they called Software Developers in the old days) and I know that quality code is better than poor code in every way. Moreover it is something that can be measured. So, making a SMART Objective around that is a cinch.
Growth: how do you help the company grow? It can grow in market share, employees, profitability, install base... and as a Software Developer you can affect each of these in some way. Do you know a good Software Developer looking for a job? Have an Objective that says “help the company find good staff”. Pass his CV along to HR. BANG! That objective has been met. The other three objectives you can meet by building good quality, innovative product that is better than your competitors. Does a competitor’s product do something yours doesn’t, or does it do it better? Find out, and then develop that functionality for your own product. BANG! Another objective met: you won’t be losing market share for want of that functionality...
Profitability: As you are a software developer you are in the “production” side of the business. Making better product at a lower cost will make your company more profitable, automatically — it must. So there are two “levers” you can pull: “better product” and “lower cost”. You can surely figure out ways to do that. Therefore, building a SMART Objective around those two levers should also be a cinch.
Human Capital/Development: That involves more than just having the company send you on courses at their expense. You are a Professional and it is your responsbility to remain current. And in this job climate you’d be silly not to be investing in yourself, particularly if your company won’t. So, find a course or two you can take, enroll, and pay for it all yourself, then write up a briefing note on the course for your boss, and put a review up on your company’s intranet: that’s an easy SMART Objective. Take a few new books out of the library. Read them. Write a briefing note for your boss, and put your reviews up on your company’s intranet. Another SMART Objective, no sweat. But what about your team’s development — particularly the less experienced software developers? Can you “adopt” one and mentor them? If so, there’s another easy SMART Objective you can do — with the added bonus that it makes you a team player and thus more indespensible.
If I were you I wouldn’t be sarcastic or do anything other than your very best job on this: you’ve been at this for 30 years and getting a replacement job at your age may be more difficult than you might care to imagine.
Speaking personally, if one of my subordinates got sarcastic on an important task such as setting their Performance Goals I would be most annoyed and would probably discipline him, or at the very least give him HEAPS and then set his goals for him, seeing as he had proven himself incapable of setting them himself. He certainly wouldn’t do it twice!
(I see this as being the huge yawning trap that you risk stumbling into. BEWARE, my FRiend!)