[sappy]

“I’m not a vegetarian cause I love animals. It’s just that I hate plants”

Steven Wright

[stevecmd]

I like my dental hygenist so much, I ate a box of Oreo cookies before my appointment.

[wilco200]

It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature.

[newfreep]

As a kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.

[antiRepublicrat]

He had one where he said he had a light switch in his house that did nothing. He flipped it on and off during the day, until one day a lady called him from Germany telling him to cut it out.

For some reason I love that one. Very surreal.

BTW, is the HBO special the one where he pulled a box of dehydrated water out of the cupboard?

[discostu]

King of the surreal one liners. OK there probably isn’t much competition in that market, but if there was he’d still be king.

[Jack of all Trades]

Someone stole all the furniture in my house, and replaced it with exact replicas.

[albie]

The sign said “eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.
— Steven Wright

[TexasPatriot1]

Didn’t he invent the cordless extension cord?

[Snickering Hound]

[fhayek]

I put instant coffee in the microwave - I went back in time.

[autumnraine]

I used to get him and the lead singer from the Scorpions mixed up.

[muir_redwoods]

“I broke both of my legs and they took me to a walk-in clinic”

[kerosene]

"My girlfriend's pretty. No, she's kind-of pretty. No, she just looks pretty."

--from The Appointments of Dennis Jennings

[plain talk]

He also spoke of a guy that had sideburns ... behind the ears.

[SirLurkedalot]

I lost one of my socks...called information and the operator said “It’s behind the couch”

[al_c]

I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It’s fun to call him. “Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!” He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

[Hatteras]

Sometimes I like to turn off the lights when I’m in the shower and pretend I’m in a submarine that’s been hit.

[vladimir998]

Man, I remember his appearance on the Tonight Show.

Ah, the 80s.

[GSWarrior]

I enjoy your trips down memory lane.