Just in time for Mother’s Day: the Little Bag of MOO Essentials

Michelle Obama's Mirror ^ | 5-9-2014 | MOTUS

[NOBO2012]

It’s Friday again. Already. And because we’re all weary of the week’s *wretch-ed* news we’re going to do something different today. Since I was unable to attend the Second Annual Friends of MOTUS Flyover Fest ™(FFF) in Galveston last month, they sent me a commemorative goodie bag just like the one given to all the lucky attendees. My bag finally arrived (compliments of the US Postal service) so I’m taking the opportunity to catalogue all the swag contained therein.

First (and long gone), RobinH made professional, homemade sugar cookies shaped like sandcastles, complete with a flag flying atop! At first I thought it a subtle reference to BO’s red line in the sand, his manipulative response to Hurricane Sandy or the fact that the Republicans drove the car off the road and into the sand, leaving Big Guy to clean up the mess.

Then I realized it was just a non-cynical reference to Galveston’s beautiful beaches. Since I immediately scarfed it down without a thought about posterity, perhaps Robin can post a picture for us.

Janna (in addition to providing the group with the giant rolling tea trolley) spiced up the goodie bag with jars of Hatch Salsa, dip mix, chip bag clip, American Eagle shot glass and various promotional items from the Jade Painting Company – all the  way from Hawaii! The alleged birth state of you-know-who.

JLHann contributed inspirational and fun themed book marks made from her beautiful combination of hand calligraphy and artwork. You can use them to mark your place in any of Lady M’s garden books or Big Guy’s multiple autobiographies.

And Creeper had the official canvas Swag Bags made up with the official Second Annual FFF logo:

She also provided everyone with several cedar balls (not quite as telling as Captain Queeg’s steel balls, butt they smell better) and a bar/kitchen towel. Creeper didn’t elaborate on the significance of these items, so I leave it up to your fertile imaginations.

I understand that the original swag bags also contained bags of Bucky Nuts. Butt since there were only enough for the actual attendees I’m guessing here again: they may have been a tribute to all the squirrels unleashed from the Big White. That would explain the cedar balls too.

And then, there was a very special  “little bag of MO essentials” created and assembled by MathMom. I’m turning the rest of the post over to her to explain its contents. Take it away MM:

Thanks MOTUS!

Since the FFF came into being to gather FOMs, MOLs and MODs, I thought it would be appropriate to have as the theme for my little offering the reason for the blog – Her Mooness, FLATUS, our very own Bossy First Lady.

I thought since Moo thinks she can tell us new things, like that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, and that no one understood what the military does until she came along, and since no way will any of us peons ever be able to sport the “fabulously toned arms” of our FLATUS, we could at least take a page or two out of her style book and go for Her Look.

I made little gift bags that commemorate her style and fashion, uh, statements…and put in them things that will help us be the best we can be. Or if that fails, we can get a subsidy from someone else.

The bags:

Each of these little bags commemorates a Special Moo Look.

This first bag commemorates Inauguration Day 2009, back to when we had no freaking idea of how bad it was going to be.

Come on, really! Is that a mustard-colored jacket and dress, with a baby-poop yellow, I don’t know,
sweater(??) underneath, tied with an organza ribbon, and olive drab leather gloves? (FOUR textures
and counting…) How is it possible even to find such colors, unless they were accidentally washed with
your brand-new jeans and a dark brown towel? And this should have warned us…the first appearance
of the Goose Poop Green pumps. Which match precisely nothing that she’s wearing. Since these colors
are not actually on any color wheel, this gift bag had to suffice. And, Grrrl, you walk like a Clydesdale.
But Clydesdales look right when they walk that way. Because they are horses.

Then, Her Mooness went to Copenhagen, and brought out her Reynolds Wrap dress in gold. It was
another hint, and we should all have just drunk the cyanide-laced Kool-Aid back then. It would have
been less painful.

So our Gold Foil Bag commemorates the Gold Foil Dress that was cut to fit like the dress on a Betsy Wetsy doll. This had to be as far off the charts as it was possible to get, right???

Well, Moo evidently fell in a vat of glitter.

We were starting to see a trend. Strange, colorless or clashing cardigans, or cardigans worn backwards… cardigans worn with everything, bling, bling and more bling, outfits made of gold foil WITH GLITTER, because gold foil alone is too understated. I guess. And let’s don’t even talk about all the shiny high heels and sneakers.

I need to breathe into a bag for a few moments. There. That’s better.

So? What’s in the bags?

Let’s just say that Moo’s look has (*cough*)evolved (*cough*) so the items will help you evolve, too. I present: The Idolizing Moo’s Fashion Sense Makeup Bags!

 

Is it RuPaul or MooPaul? Who cares! With these false eyelashes, people can wonder if you are a tranny, too!

If you are not frightening enough in your native state, you can use the Sharpie marker to give yourself MooBrows! (Sorry, I didn’t put in lip liner and gloss – if you want Anus Lips you will have to go shopping yourself.)

How much worse could it be? Dare I say “Pop o’ Color???”

Again, it is impossible to find nail polish colors in nature or anywhere else, for that matter, that are more heinous that the ones that Moo uses, then allows herself to be photographed in and put in high resolution on our computer monitors. But each bag has a Michelle Obama Signature “Pop o’ Color” bottle of nail polish, so that you can try to make your feet look like this. But why?

Because you have a mean streak, that is why. And Halloween just doesn’t come often enough?

Well, that just about finishes the contents of the bags. So here is Moo to wish us buh-bye, and thank us for funding her exceptionally extravagant and tasteless lifestyle!

You want to be able to wave buh-bye to Moo someday too, don’t you? I mean, how can we miss her if she won’t go away? But what if your hands won’t cooperate? What if your hands do this:

(yes, I miss you very much, President Bush)

Or this…

PLEASE!!! NOOOoooooo!!!! It seems like you have lived in Our House FOR. EV. ER. already, and you have freaking prospered enough on the taxpayers’ dime!!!

So, the final item in the bag:

Rubber bands to give you Michelle Obama Buh-Bye Hands!

Now, Moo, take a hint. Buh-BYE!!!

So let’s all give MathMom a big air smooch and a round of applause – being careful to keep those 3 fingers together - for  her expert cataloguing of the Essence of MOO. And likewise for Creeper and Lady Bikki (aka Janna) who did all of the heavy lifting and organizing required to pull off the Second Annual FFF!  Wish I could have joined you, butt I’ve been vicariously enjoying the event through the contents of my first ever Swag Bag.

And BTW, if you’re too cool for the rubber band version of the Buh-BYE Hands™ I found this little bauble on the George Jensen site that should do the trick, with a lot more panache. It’s an ingenious double ring from the North Star Collection that will hold those wandering digits together like glue for only €3,780 or $5,230 dollars. 

The inspiration for North Star was the glowing astral body of the northern pole star. [ed. That’s code for “Lady M”]

The double ring is to be worn on two fingers. It comes in 4 sizes each of which covers two ring sizes to allow for different finger sizes on the hand. Materials: 18 kt white gold with pavé set brilliant cut diamonds, total 1.55 ct.

They were originally going to make this a three-fer and call it the “Lady M Triple Finger Ring” butt apparently you can’t legally sell a triple finger ring because that would technically be classified as brass knuckles.

I think this would make the perfect Mother’s Day gift for Mom!

Posted from: Michelle Obama’s Mirror 

[Mercat]

OK pretty good and the key is how horribly she uses cardigans but I do like the goose poop pumps and the blue nail polish. I have been using blue nail polish on my toes for at least 12 years. I don’t wear pumps (only at weddings and funerals) but do like these. I don’t think colors have to match but if they are in the same color palette they have to. And hadn’t thought about texture but yes, only two allowed, maybe three if one of them is dark wash jeans which are sort of neutral in every outfit. But I guess the FLOTUS can’t wear dark wash jeans to a state function.

[Liz]

This is the tinfoil/duct tape dress Moo-bama bombed in at the year before last's Oscars when they beamed her in from the WH surrounded by military guards (like she was Evita).

The buzz was those in the seats heaved a collective groan when she appeared on a wrap-around screen over Jack Nicholson's head. (She was dressed for entertaining in the WH at the time).

Even more pointedly, post-Oscar stories left her out of "who wore what" red carpet reports---she used the same designer as one starlet but print and media reports omitted any mention of Moosh, or her glitzy dress

LOYAL DEMOCRATS LIKE DONNY DEUTSCH WEIGHED IN: "As far as I'm concerned, she was an uninvited guest. Now what I mean by that is (as an advert guru), you have to give the consumer, the viewer, the ultimate respect. They tuned in to watch movie stars, to watch movies. And all of a sudden, politics is thrown at them."

"If I want to watch her on Jimmy Fallon, that's okay. But, (the Awards)---that was an intrusion, and I have a feeling that three out of four Americans -- Democrat or Republican -- don't want to see the First Lady (there).....the tone of it, it was almost a monarch quality.....an elitist flavor. I was going, 'huh?' and I'm a Democrat," Deutsch told host Piers Morgan. "I just thought it was very very tone deaf and I was really surprised they did it," Deutsch concluded.

[Thommas]

..if you want Anus Lips..

Well, that about says it all.

[Liz]

The Obamas are itinerant luxury-loving parasites, living high, greedily sucking at the public teat......(prolly wire- transferring a bundle offshore for a cushy retirement and to finance Mrs O's political ambitions).

NRO tallied what taxpayers are paying for M/M O to live large on the taxpayers' dime: a grand total of $1.4 billion per year: Air Force One ($181,757 per hour), executive chef ($100,000 per year), three full-time White House calligraphers ($277,050 per year for the trio), chief of staff to the president’s dog ($102,000 per year), Ohaha's royal motorcade ($2.2 million). $100 million alone for the African apology tour.

==========================================

$1.4 BILLION is the current annual cost of the White House — just in household expenses, not including US policy operations for which the WH exists-- administered by some 900 parasites--- policy staff recruited by Ohaha.

There's the $100 million trip to Africa not including the foreign aid billions O handed out to these oil-rich satraps. There's serial Ohaha vacations costing taxpayers millions---- (the low estimate Hawaii vacays is $4 million each, but is probably five times that); the pricey Martha's Vineyard stays; Mrs O's costly trip to elite Marbella w/ an entourage of 30. Mrs O's $3900 PER NIGHT in Ireland PLUS 30 more rooms for her entourage. And the pricey China trip.

=======================================

TAXPAYERS SUFFERED RUINOUS HEALTHCARE CANCELLATIONS--BUT THEY PAY $7 MILLION FOR THE OBAMAS HEALTHCARE---NRO found the first family’s yearly health-care costs Americans $7 million; the reason why only Boobamba himself was (ahem) "enrolled" --and not his family.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend on hubby's govt salary.

Mrs O wore another collection of pricey diamond bangles (bought on a govt salary?) at a DNC fund-raiser, attended by "tolerant and compassionate" Dems....raised big bucks to keep Mr O in office so he could work for "the poor." Her diamond Gothic cuff priced at $15,350 set with 2.17 carats in diamonds and the Quatrefoil bracelet at $11,800 set with 1.73 carats in diamonds. (Excerpt) Read more at houston.culturemap.com.

Mrs O wowed all the "tolerant and compassionate" Dems who hate the rich and support endless tax-paid programs "for the poor."

Mrs O has 24 assistants (that she admits to) at her beck and call.

[ronnie raygun]

He looks good in a dress dont ya think