HOW DO COURT REPORTERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????

Coach is Right ^ | 8/12/15 | CiR

[Oldpuppymax]

The remarkable dialogues which follow are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that experienced the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

Enjoy ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar...

[Old Sarge]

Ah, an oldie but a goodie!

[Responsibility2nd]

Formatting. It ain't that hard. Really.

 

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And finally:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Gamecock]

Probably entertaining, but formatting makes it not worth the read.

[Gaffer]

Go read them all. That’s some pretty funny sh!t right there!

[Wiser now]

Court reporters? How do judges keep straight faces. much less order in the courtroom?? How do jurors manage?

[Robert Teesdale]

Great fun.

I frequently use a captioning service, and it occasionally produces moments of unintended hilarity. And since the captions lag slightly behind the speaker, it can be challenging to explain.

The captioner, sitting next to me, often will hit me to get me to stop guffawing at her mistake. It's great fun if I can infect her with laughter as well, which she knows full well I'm trying to do.

I got her once and when people looked at us in puzzlement I barely managed to point to the big screen above the assembled people where it said in big letters, "THE VAGINA ROBBERY WENT WELL."

Laughter's a good thing.

[jocon307]

“No, this is how I dress when I go to work.”

LOL, I love silly stuff like this!

[Cats Pajamas]

Can you share formatting secret Yoda?

[Cats Pajamas]

By the way those are wicked funny.

[jonno]

“Oral”

Literally?

[Sergio]

bkmk

[Responsibility2nd]

Glad to.

Easy. And FREE!

http://html-color-codes.info/html-editor/

[DFG]

BOOKMARK

[Larry Lucido]

(Excerpt) Read more at coachisright.com ...

Going back decades for material to use to whore out your blog now, huh?

[Cats Pajamas]

Thanks Yoda. Now I just need about three years school to figure out how to use it.

[Cats Pajamas]

Is it cool to that web page access my clipboard? What if my computer gets an s*xually transmitted disease? I be scared.

[Responsibility2nd]

That is a very good point. Never thought of that. I would hope that this plain ordinary site would be innocous and scam free. But I don't know.

 

Can your computer get a virus from your clipboard?

[Oldpuppymax]

As a matter of fact they are formatted on the CiR website. Unfortunately Free Republic uses its own sort of “style.”

[Oldpuppymax]

Apparently you didn’t put forth the extraordinary effort to go to the CiR site. You know, down at the bottom of the page there is a place to CLICK! Everything there is formatted, perhaps even to your satisfaction.