Skip to comments.Fake testicles say more about your boyfriend than dog: Limbaugh: "Neuticles are just plain neat!"
Posted on 01/07/2005 8:43:52 AM PST by rface
Dear Dog Lady,
For almost six months, I've been dating Monty. I thought I was falling in love with him until he presented my dog and me with an inappropriate Christmas present. Now, I'm not sure. The gift was a pair of NeuticlesOriginal, fake testicles for dogs. My dog, Magic, was intrigued by them and tried to chew them and then tried to play with them. My dog rolled the little balls around the floor until Monty took them away and scolded Magic. I just watched stunned as all this was going on. I couldn't have imagined Neuticles until I saw them with my own eyes.
Right before I met Monty, I had brought Magic to the vet to be neutered. Monty says he doesn't believe in altering male dogs and made snide comments about Magic's lack of manhood. I admit I was turned off by the comments, but I never thought he would buy prosthetic testes for my dog. He's also pestering me to make an appointment with my vet to have the Neuticles surgically implanted. When I tell him I don't want to put Magic through this operation, Monty gets miffed and says he already paid $85 for the Neuticles online and doesn't want to return them. Despite being so worried about losing the money, he insists he'll pay the full freight for the surgery at the vet. He thinks Magic will be a happier, more confident dog with fake testicles. I visited the Neuticles Web site, www.neuticles.com, and found such celebrities as Rush Limbaugh have endorsed them. Limbaugh said, "Neuticles are just plain neat!" Maybe they are.
I will admit in my weaker moments, when I want to cling to my relationship with Monty, I wonder what's the harm in getting the harmless Neuticles sewn into Magic. Maybe the dog will be happier with a scrotum. Maybe it will bring Monty and I closer together. What do you think?
Rachel, Dog Lady believes in Magic. Your dog doesn't need the fake testicles, nor will they give him any more confidence than he already has. The unnecessary surgery will add stress and scar tissue to your pet's tender area. Dogs don't do manhood the way Rush Limbaugh does. Dogs do Alpha, a status having everything to do with leadership, not the size of sexual organs. Other dogs will not be impressed or deceived by nutty Neuticles. One sniff of the hindquarters will tell a canine colleague that Magic's just another castrato in the pack.
In intact dogs, the male sac emits a hormonal aroma that stokes up other dogs with fascination, confusion or aggression. Plastic Neuticles do not have the odiferous power to stir up anything but your boyfriend Monty's odd insecurities. A Neuticled Magic will not be a dog, but a disfigured dog. Rachel, you did the right thing for Magic by having him neutered in the first place. Don't go there again.
Best you concentrate on whether you want a future with Monty. Dog Lady is not suggesting he should be fixed, but you need to fix your relationship. The gift of Neuticles was utterly inappropriate, even offensive. It's the same as if Monty had stuffed silicone breast implants in your Christmas stocking. If you think for a moment that sewing falsies into your dog will bring you closer to your boyfriend, Dog Lady wonders what other delusions you labor under. A good relationship comes with communication, trust and safety - for you and Magic.
Your dog is not a stand-in for your boyfriend's scrotal issues. You should discuss this straight on with Monty so he understands the boundary. It takes a real man, if you catch my drift, to admit his mistake. If he refuses to understand on a deeper emotional level, Dog Lady thinks his reluctance alone will tell you everything you need to know.
hmmmmm. Hillary keeps Bill's in her "Lock Box" - I guess we should send a pair to Bill Clinton too. HaHa!
ROFLMAO... I bet Hillary chews on them and plays with them too... just like Magic!!!
Bill doesn't need them as badly as John Kerry. You've got to know that Theresa has them locked up. Perhaps she lets Kerry look at them each month when she doles out his allowance money.
If you want a dog with no balls, you should get a female dog.
Or as the authors of scripture might have phrased it, "having a form of manliness, but denying the power thereof... from such, turn away."
Let's look at this from Monty's point of view ... "Run, Monty, Run!!! She's already done it once!" But if you continue the relationship, just hang on to the neuticles ... I have a feeling you're gonna need them.
The GOP in the Senate?
Perfect thread for Friday. "Bring it on!"
This article is dog bollocks....
What do you want to bet that Dog Lady likes her men to be like her dogs?
Personal opinion: I wouldn't be going out with a chick who cut off her dog's sack. That's how Lorena Bobbitt got started.
I'm quite certain that if this dog worked for the City of San Francisco, his insurance would pick up the tab.
Both should be fixed, unless you are a pro, or your breed's very existance depends on more puppies. We put down far too many good animals every year because people don't spay and neuter their family pets..
I have heard of many really stupid women, even met a couple, but this story does not pass the smell test, if you'll pardon the expression...
One hundred percent phony.
This thread was a waste of bandwidth yesterday as well.
If she did it herself with kitchen utensils, you'd have a point.
Dog gone that's funny. :)
No meeting of good people for fun and conversation is a waste.
I wonder if Bob Barker recommends Neuticles.
shoot! I ALMOST alway check too.......
One would have to sell a lot of fake dog nuts to pay for a personal endorsement by Rush Limbaugh. Something tells me they took a Rush quote out of context.
I read this the first time and the most amusing part is when Magic discovers the Neuticles and thinks they're toys.
And I suppose you figured... "what are the odds anyone has ever heard a story like this before?"
You underestimate, or overestimate, FReepers!
Kerry needs a magic spine too. Ha ha ha He always said what he thought the latest polls wanted him to say.
You have to admit, it took a lot of balls for Monty to give those to his girlfriend.
idiot liberals --- well, in this case just the elf.alf.peta/aspca idiots.
I missed it yesterday and I am THANKFUL that is is posted here TODAY!
You said it was a waste of bandwidth... I said a fun thread is not a waste.
Cool, I will then leave you to your fun.
Monty probably drives a Hummer and would bristle at the mere thought of going off road or towing anything with it.
Ahem, over here...we gotta another one to add to the list. Banjodude isn't the only one. LOL!
"a Waste of ban space" ROFL
We shall call it Operation Grouch!
My guess if she had, there may have never been a Monica.
Obviously from a woman who knows what she is talking about... I agree!!!! ;)
More than likely Rush said "Neuticles were just plain NUTS".
Not to mention that unneutered male dogs are aggressive, and account for the vast majority of dog-inflicted serious injuries and fatalities.
I was thinkin' the same... beware of women with neutered male dogs.
Putting the Neuticles in will disfigure him, but taking the real ones out didn't.
I probably don't understand since I don't have a dog.
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