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Fake testicles say more about your boyfriend than dog: Limbaugh: "Neuticles are just plain neat!"
Cambridge Chronicle - Ask the Dog Lady ^ | Rachel

Posted on 01/07/2005 8:43:52 AM PST by rface

Dear Dog Lady,

For almost six months, I've been dating Monty. I thought I was falling in love with him until he presented my dog and me with an inappropriate Christmas present. Now, I'm not sure. The gift was a pair of NeuticlesOriginal, fake testicles for dogs. My dog, Magic, was intrigued by them and tried to chew them and then tried to play with them. My dog rolled the little balls around the floor until Monty took them away and scolded Magic. I just watched stunned as all this was going on. I couldn't have imagined Neuticles until I saw them with my own eyes.

Right before I met Monty, I had brought Magic to the vet to be neutered. Monty says he doesn't believe in altering male dogs and made snide comments about Magic's lack of manhood. I admit I was turned off by the comments, but I never thought he would buy prosthetic testes for my dog. He's also pestering me to make an appointment with my vet to have the Neuticles surgically implanted. When I tell him I don't want to put Magic through this operation, Monty gets miffed and says he already paid $85 for the Neuticles online and doesn't want to return them. Despite being so worried about losing the money, he insists he'll pay the full freight for the surgery at the vet. He thinks Magic will be a happier, more confident dog with fake testicles. I visited the Neuticles Web site, www.neuticles.com, and found such celebrities as Rush Limbaugh have endorsed them. Limbaugh said, "Neuticles are just plain neat!" Maybe they are.

I will admit in my weaker moments, when I want to cling to my relationship with Monty, I wonder what's the harm in getting the harmless Neuticles sewn into Magic. Maybe the dog will be happier with a scrotum. Maybe it will bring Monty and I closer together. What do you think?

Rachel

Rachel, Dog Lady believes in Magic. Your dog doesn't need the fake testicles, nor will they give him any more confidence than he already has. The unnecessary surgery will add stress and scar tissue to your pet's tender area. Dogs don't do manhood the way Rush Limbaugh does. Dogs do Alpha, a status having everything to do with leadership, not the size of sexual organs. Other dogs will not be impressed or deceived by nutty Neuticles. One sniff of the hindquarters will tell a canine colleague that Magic's just another castrato in the pack.

In intact dogs, the male sac emits a hormonal aroma that stokes up other dogs with fascination, confusion or aggression. Plastic Neuticles do not have the odiferous power to stir up anything but your boyfriend Monty's odd insecurities. A Neuticled Magic will not be a dog, but a disfigured dog. Rachel, you did the right thing for Magic by having him neutered in the first place. Don't go there again.

Best you concentrate on whether you want a future with Monty. Dog Lady is not suggesting he should be fixed, but you need to fix your relationship. The gift of Neuticles was utterly inappropriate, even offensive. It's the same as if Monty had stuffed silicone breast implants in your Christmas stocking. If you think for a moment that sewing falsies into your dog will bring you closer to your boyfriend, Dog Lady wonders what other delusions you labor under. A good relationship comes with communication, trust and safety - for you and Magic.

Your dog is not a stand-in for your boyfriend's scrotal issues. You should discuss this straight on with Monty so he understands the boundary. It takes a real man, if you catch my drift, to admit his mistake. If he refuses to understand on a deeper emotional level, Dog Lady thinks his reluctance alone will tell you everything you need to know.


TOPICS: Pets/Animals
KEYWORDS: testicles
maybe we should send a pair to JF Kerry ..... who else could use a pair?....

hmmmmm. Hillary keeps Bill's in her "Lock Box" - I guess we should send a pair to Bill Clinton too. HaHa!

1 posted on 01/07/2005 8:43:52 AM PST by rface
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To: rface

ROFLMAO... I bet Hillary chews on them and plays with them too... just like Magic!!!


2 posted on 01/07/2005 8:47:19 AM PST by Bigturbowski
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To: rface

Bill doesn't need them as badly as John Kerry. You've got to know that Theresa has them locked up. Perhaps she lets Kerry look at them each month when she doles out his allowance money.


3 posted on 01/07/2005 8:49:17 AM PST by redheadtoo
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To: rface

If you want a dog with no balls, you should get a female dog.


4 posted on 01/07/2005 8:50:04 AM PST by Born to Conserve
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To: rface
Neuticles are the ultimate triumph of "symbol over substance".

Or as the authors of scripture might have phrased it, "having a form of manliness, but denying the power thereof... from such, turn away."

5 posted on 01/07/2005 8:51:14 AM PST by Rytwyng (we're here, we're Huguenots, get used to us)
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To: rface

Let's look at this from Monty's point of view ... "Run, Monty, Run!!! She's already done it once!" But if you continue the relationship, just hang on to the neuticles ... I have a feeling you're gonna need them.


6 posted on 01/07/2005 8:52:03 AM PST by NonValueAdded ("We're going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good" HRC 6/28/2004)
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To: rface
Posted yesterday:

Ask Dog Lady: Fake testicles tell more about your boyfriend than your dog (very funny)

7 posted on 01/07/2005 8:52:31 AM PST by HairOfTheDog
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To: rface
who else could use a pair?

The GOP in the Senate?

Shalom.

8 posted on 01/07/2005 8:52:59 AM PST by ArGee (After 517, the abolition of man is complete)
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To: rface

Perfect thread for Friday. "Bring it on!"


9 posted on 01/07/2005 8:53:06 AM PST by Big Digger (If you can keep your head when others are losing theirs, you must be a Republican)
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To: rface; jjbrouwer

This article is dog bollocks....


10 posted on 01/07/2005 8:54:01 AM PST by Cogadh na Sith (--Scots Gaelic: 'War or Peace'--)
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To: rface

What do you want to bet that Dog Lady likes her men to be like her dogs?


11 posted on 01/07/2005 8:54:25 AM PST by Eagle Eye (3/5 Got theirs. And then some.)
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To: rface

Personal opinion: I wouldn't be going out with a chick who cut off her dog's sack. That's how Lorena Bobbitt got started.


12 posted on 01/07/2005 8:55:42 AM PST by You Dirty Rats
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To: Big Digger

I'm quite certain that if this dog worked for the City of San Francisco, his insurance would pick up the tab.


13 posted on 01/07/2005 8:56:03 AM PST by midnightson
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To: Born to Conserve
If you want a dog with no balls, you should get a female dog.

Both should be fixed, unless you are a pro, or your breed's very existance depends on more puppies. We put down far too many good animals every year because people don't spay and neuter their family pets..

14 posted on 01/07/2005 8:56:11 AM PST by HairOfTheDog
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To: rface
Somewhere, some teenagers with way too much time on their hands are having a chuckle-fest.

I have heard of many really stupid women, even met a couple, but this story does not pass the smell test, if you'll pardon the expression...

One hundred percent phony.

15 posted on 01/07/2005 8:56:28 AM PST by Publius6961 (The most abundant things in the universe are hydrogen, ignorance and stupidity.)
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To: ArGee
ArGee, these are artifical testicles, for display purposes only. Lott and Frist don't need these. In fact, they were part of the research study and received two of the first pairs of not-balls to be implanted.
16 posted on 01/07/2005 8:56:37 AM PST by Uncle Fud
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To: HairOfTheDog

This thread was a waste of bandwidth yesterday as well.


17 posted on 01/07/2005 8:57:19 AM PST by AxelPaulsenJr (Pray Daily For Our Troops and President Bush)
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To: You Dirty Rats
Personal opinion: I wouldn't be going out with a chick who cut off her dog's sack. That's how Lorena Bobbitt got started.

If she did it herself with kitchen utensils, you'd have a point.

18 posted on 01/07/2005 8:57:35 AM PST by HairOfTheDog
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To: Rytwyng

Dog gone that's funny. :)


19 posted on 01/07/2005 8:58:27 AM PST by Earthdweller (US descendant of French Protestants)
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To: AxelPaulsenJr

No meeting of good people for fun and conversation is a waste.


20 posted on 01/07/2005 8:58:52 AM PST by HairOfTheDog
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To: rface

I wonder if Bob Barker recommends Neuticles.


21 posted on 01/07/2005 8:59:03 AM PST by beezdotcom (I'm usually either right or wrong...)
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To: HairOfTheDog

shoot! I ALMOST alway check too.......


22 posted on 01/07/2005 8:59:09 AM PST by rface (Ashland, Missouri - Monthly Donor / Bad Speller)
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To: rface

One would have to sell a lot of fake dog nuts to pay for a personal endorsement by Rush Limbaugh. Something tells me they took a Rush quote out of context.


23 posted on 01/07/2005 8:59:11 AM PST by whereasandsoforth
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To: rface

I read this the first time and the most amusing part is when Magic discovers the Neuticles and thinks they're toys.


24 posted on 01/07/2005 8:59:13 AM PST by RichInOC (Catch!)
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To: rface

And I suppose you figured... "what are the odds anyone has ever heard a story like this before?"

You underestimate, or overestimate, FReepers!


25 posted on 01/07/2005 9:00:23 AM PST by HairOfTheDog
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To: rface
My dog, Magic, was intrigued by them and tried to chew them and then tried to play with them.

I don't know why the BF was so upset about this. That's pretty much what the dog would have done to his natural pair - with the addition of licking.
26 posted on 01/07/2005 9:01:32 AM PST by beezdotcom (I'm usually either right or wrong...)
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To: rface

27 posted on 01/07/2005 9:02:09 AM PST by KidGlock (W-1)
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To: rface

Kerry needs a magic spine too. Ha ha ha He always said what he thought the latest polls wanted him to say.


28 posted on 01/07/2005 9:02:59 AM PST by buffyt (~ God Bless Jim Robinson, Sheila Robinson, their sons, and Freepers Everywhere! ~ Happy 2005! ~)
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To: rface

You have to admit, it took a lot of balls for Monty to give those to his girlfriend.


29 posted on 01/07/2005 9:03:17 AM PST by Airborne1986
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To: rface

idiot liberals --- well, in this case just the elf.alf.peta/aspca idiots.


30 posted on 01/07/2005 9:03:46 AM PST by steplock (http://www.outoftimeradio.org)
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To: HairOfTheDog

I missed it yesterday and I am THANKFUL that is is posted here TODAY!


31 posted on 01/07/2005 9:03:48 AM PST by buffyt (~ God Bless Jim Robinson, Sheila Robinson, their sons, and Freepers Everywhere! ~ Happy 2005! ~)
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To: HairOfTheDog

?


32 posted on 01/07/2005 9:04:33 AM PST by AxelPaulsenJr (Pray Daily For Our Troops and President Bush)
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To: AxelPaulsenJr

?

??

You said it was a waste of bandwidth... I said a fun thread is not a waste.


33 posted on 01/07/2005 9:06:16 AM PST by HairOfTheDog
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To: HairOfTheDog

Cool, I will then leave you to your fun.


34 posted on 01/07/2005 9:11:21 AM PST by AxelPaulsenJr (Pray Daily For Our Troops and President Bush)
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To: rface

Monty probably drives a Hummer and would bristle at the mere thought of going off road or towing anything with it.


35 posted on 01/07/2005 9:24:07 AM PST by newgeezer (Just my opinion, of course. Your mileage may vary.)
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To: AxelPaulsenJr; lindor
This thread was a waste of bandwidth yesterday as well.

Ahem, over here...we gotta another one to add to the list. Banjodude isn't the only one. LOL!

36 posted on 01/07/2005 9:45:47 AM PST by MotleyGirl70
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To: MotleyGirl70
We could always start a "Who's feeling grouchy today" thread. LOL We KNOW who they are.

"a Waste of ban space" ROFL

37 posted on 01/07/2005 11:47:32 AM PST by lindor (If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of Progress?)
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To: lindor

We shall call it Operation Grouch!


38 posted on 01/07/2005 12:07:26 PM PST by MotleyGirl70
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To: Bigturbowski

My guess if she had, there may have never been a Monica.


39 posted on 01/07/2005 12:08:01 PM PST by KimmyJaye (Susan Estrich: A face for radio and a voice for pantomime.)
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To: KimmyJaye

Obviously from a woman who knows what she is talking about... I agree!!!! ;)


40 posted on 01/07/2005 12:11:13 PM PST by Bigturbowski
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To: whereasandsoforth

More than likely Rush said "Neuticles were just plain NUTS".

Sorry.


41 posted on 01/07/2005 12:14:07 PM PST by KimmyJaye (Susan Estrich: A face for radio and a voice for pantomime.)
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To: HairOfTheDog

Not to mention that unneutered male dogs are aggressive, and account for the vast majority of dog-inflicted serious injuries and fatalities.


42 posted on 01/07/2005 1:42:34 PM PST by GovernmentShrinker
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To: NonValueAdded

I was thinkin' the same... beware of women with neutered male dogs.


43 posted on 01/08/2005 9:25:35 AM PST by thoughtomator (Flush twice, it's a long way to France)
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To: rface

Putting the Neuticles in will disfigure him, but taking the real ones out didn't.
????
I probably don't understand since I don't have a dog.


44 posted on 01/08/2005 9:42:58 AM PST by OldEagle (Haven't been wrong since 1947, except about Hillary.)
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