Skip to comments.VANITY--The chili contest: (Warning--extremely funny!)
Posted on 08/18/2005 11:21:44 AM PDT by meandog
Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then you need to develop a sense of humor.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!
Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2-- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t faced from all of the beer...
Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 ---- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I ripped ass and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Seen it before, but it's funnier than ever [still giggling]
I've laughed so hard I have tears in my eyes. Thanks for the funniest story I've read in a very long time.
You may have already read it, if so sorry!
LOL! I'm with Frank--my chili doesn't even have any cayenne pepper in it, just cumin. I realize most people wouldn't even call it chili.
I've seen it a few times, but not in quite a while. All those within the cubicle farm were wondering why I was laughing like a fool...Thanks for the re-post.
When I got to the 6th chili, I had to put my hand over my mouth so no one could hear my laughing.
LOLROFLMAOAPIMPRFI must read!
Oh my Lord. By chili #3, I couldn't breathe anymore! Husband came in to see what in the world I was crying about. Now he's on the couch in hysterics. Thanks for the laugh!!
Official seal of *FUNNY* approval.
Hey, I had 3 tours of duty in Texas. So what's the big deal?
Seriously - ROTFLOL!!! The original version is even funnier as I'm sure you know but the mod would never allow it. Thanks for today's laugh.
Smoldering yankee lips ping
I had tears streaming down my face.
BTW, Tabasco is the ONLY hot sauce. Forget all the rest, they are just posers. Tabasco, Tabasco, Tabasco.
Its OK your co-workers already know you are crazy!!
I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.
The only problem is there is NEVER EVER any beans in real Texas chili!
Thanks for a good midafternoon laugh!
Is it Friday yet?? ...almost
It gets funnier every time I read it!
Snow cones, eh?
I love good hot chili!
I like some chopped Vidalia or Walla Walla onion and some grated sharp Cheddar Cheese on mine. ;)
Me too. I love spicy chili!!
Yep, that about covers it.
Okay, I'm laughing out loud.
OMG, I've never seen this. Too Funny!
but, even though I live in Texas...I would have to admit that I would probably have to admit to being like the #3 judge when it comes to spicy food....LOL
#6 is the true test for good chili. Brrrriittt! Ribbiiiit! Frog sounds all night long. Remember the camp fire scene in that late 1960's Mel Brooks movie? If you are not f*rt'n you're not livin.
Ya can't beat it :)
Sure they do!!
I getting spit balls in the back of the head now
What a HOOT!!!!!
Your Lisandra worships you!
I have sympathy for the guy. I ate what I thought was a "cherry pepper" once, only to find out seconds later that it was a habanero. I blacked out. When I finally woke up I had a full grown beard, I'd lost 40 pounds, and I had to ask some stranger who the President was. It ruined my life.
Lmao. Not all my true stories are true, but that one was =)
I am trying to remember, it has been so long since I have snorted Drano.
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