Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

VANITY--The chili contest: (Warning--extremely funny!)
e-mailed story | 8-17-05

Posted on 08/18/2005 11:21:44 AM PDT by meandog

Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then you need to develop a sense of humor.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park.

The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2-- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2-- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t faced from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 ---- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I ripped ass and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?


TOPICS: Humor
KEYWORDS: chili; funny; laughter; texas
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first 1-5051-100 next last
...apologies to those who have previously seen this...
1 posted on 08/18/2005 11:21:45 AM PDT by meandog
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: meandog
Here's another version posted back in 2001:

Texas Chili Cook Off (Humor - Warning: Rough Language)

2 posted on 08/18/2005 11:26:35 AM PDT by snowsislander
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog

Seen it before, but it's funnier than ever [still giggling]


3 posted on 08/18/2005 11:27:28 AM PDT by Lekker 1 ("Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"- Harry M. Warner, Warner Bros., 1927)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog

LOL!


4 posted on 08/18/2005 11:28:05 AM PDT by TheBigB (Gum would be perfection!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog

LoL


5 posted on 08/18/2005 11:28:11 AM PDT by nuconvert (No More Axis of Evil by Christmas ! TLR) [there's a lot of bad people in the pistachio business])
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog

I've laughed so hard I have tears in my eyes. Thanks for the funniest story I've read in a very long time.


6 posted on 08/18/2005 11:28:47 AM PDT by sarasota
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog; Owl_Eagle; Sam's Army; Lazamataz; Darksheare; pissant; Dashing Dasher; najida; ...
Humor Ping!!

You may have already read it, if so sorry!

7 posted on 08/18/2005 11:29:21 AM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: lightingguy

Snowcone ping!


8 posted on 08/18/2005 11:30:58 AM PDT by agrace (Where were you when I founded the earth? Tell me if you know so much. Job 38:4)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog
I've seen this before. I love this part:

"You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth."
9 posted on 08/18/2005 11:32:45 AM PDT by Jaysun (Democrats: We must become more effective at fooling people.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog
ROTFLOL Tears rolling down my face. Laughing so hard {GASP!!!} I can hardly breathe
10 posted on 08/18/2005 11:33:04 AM PDT by SandRat (Duty, Honor, Country. What else needs to be said?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog

LOL! I'm with Frank--my chili doesn't even have any cayenne pepper in it, just cumin. I realize most people wouldn't even call it chili.


11 posted on 08/18/2005 11:33:32 AM PDT by American Quilter
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog

OMG, ROTFLMAO.


12 posted on 08/18/2005 11:34:57 AM PDT by JimWforBush (Alcohol - For the best times you'll never remember)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog
...apologies to those who have previously seen this...

I've seen it a few times, but not in quite a while. All those within the cubicle farm were wondering why I was laughing like a fool...Thanks for the re-post.

13 posted on 08/18/2005 11:35:33 AM PDT by Living Free in NH
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick

When I got to the 6th chili, I had to put my hand over my mouth so no one could hear my laughing.


14 posted on 08/18/2005 11:36:16 AM PDT by JimWforBush (Alcohol - For the best times you'll never remember)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 7 | View Replies]

To: meandog; cyborg; fortunecookie; arasina; Miss Behave; GipperGal; martin_fierro; Constitution Day; ..
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.

LOLROFLMAOAPIMPRFI must read!

15 posted on 08/18/2005 11:36:34 AM PDT by Petronski (I love Cyborg!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog

Oh my Lord. By chili #3, I couldn't breathe anymore! Husband came in to see what in the world I was crying about. Now he's on the couch in hysterics. Thanks for the laugh!!


16 posted on 08/18/2005 11:37:10 AM PDT by used2BDem (Navy Vet (Navy Mom))
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog

Official seal of *FUNNY* approval.


17 posted on 08/18/2005 11:37:49 AM PDT by Codename - Ron Benjamin (I'm gonna sing the doom song now!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog


Countdown to someone getting the reference....
18 posted on 08/18/2005 11:38:06 AM PDT by flashbunny (Always remember to bring a towel!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog

Hey, I had 3 tours of duty in Texas. So what's the big deal?

Seriously - ROTFLOL!!! The original version is even funnier as I'm sure you know but the mod would never allow it. Thanks for today's laugh.


19 posted on 08/18/2005 11:38:31 AM PDT by tgusa (USN A-6 pilot)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog; glock rocks; GRRRRR; don-o; carlo3b; Eaker; Squantos

Too funny!

Smoldering yankee lips ping


20 posted on 08/18/2005 11:39:49 AM PDT by ChefKeith (If Diplomacy worked, then we would be sitting here talking.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Junior

I had tears streaming down my face.


21 posted on 08/18/2005 11:41:36 AM PDT by cjshapi
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog

Mmmmmm, chili.

BTW, Tabasco is the ONLY hot sauce. Forget all the rest, they are just posers. Tabasco, Tabasco, Tabasco.


22 posted on 08/18/2005 11:42:17 AM PDT by advance_copy (Stand for life, or nothing at all)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: JimWforBush

Its OK your co-workers already know you are crazy!!


23 posted on 08/18/2005 11:42:33 AM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: meandog

Thanks!!!

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time.


24 posted on 08/18/2005 11:43:49 AM PDT by digger48
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog

The only problem is there is NEVER EVER any beans in real Texas chili!


25 posted on 08/18/2005 11:45:03 AM PDT by Pirogue Captain
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ChefKeith

Thanks for a good midafternoon laugh!


26 posted on 08/18/2005 11:46:11 AM PDT by don-o (Don't be a Freeploader. Do the right thing and become a Monthly Donor!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 20 | View Replies]

To: meandog

Is it Friday yet?? ...almost


27 posted on 08/18/2005 11:46:17 AM PDT by TexasCajun
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick

It gets funnier every time I read it!

Snow cones, eh?

I love good hot chili!

I like some chopped Vidalia or Walla Walla onion and some grated sharp Cheddar Cheese on mine. ;)


28 posted on 08/18/2005 11:48:24 AM PDT by blackie (Be Well~Be Armed~Be Safe~Molon Labe!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 7 | View Replies]

To: blackie

Me too. I love spicy chili!!


29 posted on 08/18/2005 11:50:11 AM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 28 | View Replies]

To: meandog

Yep, that about covers it.


30 posted on 08/18/2005 11:51:50 AM PDT by SolidRedState (E Pluribus Funk --- (Latin taglines are sooooo cool! Don't ya think?))
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: meandog

Okay, I'm laughing out loud.


31 posted on 08/18/2005 12:01:32 PM PDT by OldFriend (MERCY TO THE GUILTY IS CRUELTY TO THE INNOCENT ~ Adam Smith)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: flashbunny
"I made you eat your parents............ha ha ha ha ha"
32 posted on 08/18/2005 12:02:57 PM PDT by OXENinFLA
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 18 | View Replies]

To: meandog; Mo1; Howlin; Peach; BeforeISleep; kimmie7; 4integrity; BigSkyFreeper; RandallFlagg; ...

LOL!

OMG, I've never seen this. Too Funny!


33 posted on 08/18/2005 12:04:20 PM PDT by OXENinFLA
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: OXENinFLA

Good laugh---

but, even though I live in Texas...I would have to admit that I would probably have to admit to being like the #3 judge when it comes to spicy food....LOL


34 posted on 08/18/2005 12:11:03 PM PDT by Txsleuth
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 33 | View Replies]

To: meandog
That really was funny. I have to catch my breath and wipe my eyes before i forward this to others.
35 posted on 08/18/2005 12:13:04 PM PDT by It's me
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: OXENinFLA
Toooooo funny ...
36 posted on 08/18/2005 12:15:01 PM PDT by maggief (No 'luffs)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 33 | View Replies]

To: meandog

#6 is the true test for good chili. Brrrriittt! Ribbiiiit! Frog sounds all night long. Remember the camp fire scene in that late 1960's Mel Brooks movie? If you are not f*rt'n you're not livin.


37 posted on 08/18/2005 12:15:14 PM PDT by ex-Texan (Mathew 7:1 through 6)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Jaysun
Okay, this has nothing to do with chili, but one time back in about '89 I was at a neighbors party and I gave a mexican guy a hot pepper.
As soon as he ate it he frantically began saying "Aqua! Aqua!", whereupon I slid over to him a glass of homemade moonshine.
Thinking it was water he chugged down several gulps. After a few moments he realized something was horribly wrong and he started what looked like break dancing around the room.
He got so drunk he was unable to speak english for the rest of the night.
38 posted on 08/18/2005 12:21:23 PM PDT by Manic_Episode (OUT OF ORDER)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 9 | View Replies]

To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick

Ya can't beat it :)


39 posted on 08/18/2005 12:26:43 PM PDT by blackie (Be Well~Be Armed~Be Safe~Molon Labe!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 29 | View Replies]

To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick
uh uh, they worship me ,lol
40 posted on 08/18/2005 12:27:16 PM PDT by JimWforBush (Alcohol - For the best times you'll never remember)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 23 | View Replies]

To: JimWforBush

Sure they do!!


41 posted on 08/18/2005 12:28:25 PM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 40 | View Replies]

To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick
Would I lie?

I getting spit balls in the back of the head now

42 posted on 08/18/2005 12:31:21 PM PDT by JimWforBush (Alcohol - For the best times you'll never remember)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 41 | View Replies]

To: meandog

What a HOOT!!!!!


43 posted on 08/18/2005 12:32:51 PM PDT by ghostcat
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: JimWforBush

Your Lisandra worships you!


44 posted on 08/18/2005 12:33:49 PM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 42 | View Replies]

To: Jersey Republican Biker Chick
My mother,s chili was so hot it had to be stored under water.
However, Mom's chili and fried bread sticks on a cold day were a hard combination to beat.
45 posted on 08/18/2005 12:35:21 PM PDT by dearolddad
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 29 | View Replies]

To: Manic_Episode

I have sympathy for the guy. I ate what I thought was a "cherry pepper" once, only to find out seconds later that it was a habanero. I blacked out. When I finally woke up I had a full grown beard, I'd lost 40 pounds, and I had to ask some stranger who the President was. It ruined my life.


46 posted on 08/18/2005 12:36:32 PM PDT by Jaysun (Democrats: We must become more effective at fooling people.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 38 | View Replies]

To: dearolddad

Sounds wonderful.


47 posted on 08/18/2005 12:37:12 PM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 45 | View Replies]

To: blackie; JimWforBush; Jersey Republican Biker Chick
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano

Don't ya just hate that feeling??
48 posted on 08/18/2005 12:39:17 PM PDT by PaulaB (Lead with your own unique style)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 39 | View Replies]

To: Jaysun

Lmao. Not all my true stories are true, but that one was =)


49 posted on 08/18/2005 12:41:48 PM PDT by Manic_Episode (OUT OF ORDER)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 46 | View Replies]

To: PaulaB; blackie; JimWforBush
"Don't ya just hate that feeling??"

I am trying to remember, it has been so long since I have snorted Drano.

50 posted on 08/18/2005 12:43:15 PM PDT by Jersey Republican Biker Chick (People too weak to follow their own dreams, will always find a way to discourage yours.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 48 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first 1-5051-100 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
General/Chat
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson